My family is being ridiculous

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
6961 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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TwilightRarity :  I’m glad your guilt has diminished as your kids have gotten older. My baby is only 9 months so we’ll see, but I’m a constant worrier so who knows! However, I do know people who always want to be with their kids (no matter their age) and always seem to feel some form of parent guilt when they’re apart or fear for their safety. Every parent is different. But my main point was it’s not so easy as to say “I want parents to have a worry-free evening.” It’s not that easy and it’s disingenuous to use that as your reason to not invite kids to a wedding. Just say you don’t want kids there. It’s okay to say that. 

Post # 32
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My brother trumps any vision I might have, but that’s just me. If anyone told me to leave my 3 month old with a sitter for the better part of a day so I can celebrate “them becoming a family”, I would laugh and decline. I don’t get child free weddings, I don’t get all this vision stuff and I certainly don’t get shunning my brother because they aren’t comfortable getting a sitter. Lots of people don’t use sitters. I don’t. If the grandparents aren’t available (which my guess is, your parents will be at your wedding) we just don’t do it. Lots and lots of people have that opinion.

Have you ever considered they can’t even afford a sitter? Going rate in our area is something absurd like 15-25 an hour! Average wedding is 7 hours? (1 hr ceremony + 1hr cocktail +5 hr reception?) plus drive time (we’ll say 1hr each way?) + 30 minute buffer time so they aren’t late, unless of course you want them in pictures so tack on another 2 hours? We’ll say 12 hours for the wedding. At 20 an hour, that’s $240. That is NOT pocket change to a lot of people and I’m sure you’re still expecting a gift on top of that. Would you pay for his sitter if it was a money thing?

Post # 33
Bee
5287 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ll make no bones about it: you should have let your Maid/Matron of Honor bring her baby. I’ve been to dozens of weddings and children of the immediate family were always invited. Not once has a child misbehaved. Certainly mine never did. And these were not bbq outdoor weddings. They were black tie hellaciously expensive weddings. So i don’t understand the allure of child free when it comes to immediate family. Frankly I’d let your nephew come. The wedding won’t be adversely affected by the presence of one small nephew. It’s certainly not worth the acrimony and hurt feelings it’s causing. 

And I’m well aware that it’s your right to be child-free. But I live in the real world where things like this have repercussions in a family long after everyone has forgotten the wedding. Weighing the pros and cons, unless your nephew is a beast I don’t understand what you’ve gained by excluding him.

As to the singing, laugh in his face. Then say no.

Post # 35
Member
6000 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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futurewife303 :  you’re not being unreasonable. Stick to your plan and have a wonderful wedding! 

Post # 36
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

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futurewife303 :  First and foremost, you are allowed to host whatever type of wedding you want, and if adult-free is what you wish for, then you don’t have to justify it to anyone.

However, I am guessing the fact that you chose this person as your Maid/Matron of Honor suggests they are important to you? Is your child-free wedding more important than having her present on your day? 

In the end, remember that a wedding is just a fancy party and you have to live with all these people long after your “vision” is a distant memory.

By the way, this is directed towards the exclusion your MOH’s 3 month old (and by proxy, potentially your MOH): there is a huge difference between a 3 month old and a 6 year old in terms of how independent they are and I feel less sympathy towards your brother, especially since he is a serial offender given his demand to perform as well.

Post # 37
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

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futurewife303 :  so it’s more important to you to have a “child-free” wedding than it is to have your maid of honor and brother attend? Yoh can’t make an exception for one 6 year old and one 3 month old? You stated you want everyone to drink and party. Clearly that’s not what your brother and maid of honor want to do so just because you’re prohibiting them from bringing their child doesn’t mean they’ll be partying. Tbh it doesn’t sound like you care much about your relationship with these people so yeah go ahead do whatever you want but your actions will have consequences and NO it’s not unreasonable to be upset that your sister doesn’t want her nephew at her wedding and it’s NOT unreasonable for your Maid/Matron of Honor to be upset that you won’t allow her to bring her 3 month old. You said she goes to school 2 x per week an hour away so it’s fair that she doesn’t want to spend another day apart from her baby.

Post # 38
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It’s hard for me to understand not wanting kids so badly at your wedding that you’d rather your best friend and brother just not attend. However, my husband and I saw our wedding as a family celebration and not everyone has that vision for their wedding. If your bridesmaid already spends a lot of time away from her baby than she probably doesn’t feel like taking an extra day away.  Is there travel involved? Maybe if it’s local she can attend the ceremony only.  Since it doesn’t seem to matter to you if either attends then just stick to your guns.  Eta: your family isn’t being ridiculous.  You can decide not to invite kids and people can decline based off that decision.  

Post # 39
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

Futurewife303 :  Don’t feel guilty. The comments about you not loving your nephew are ridiculous! Nothing wrong with a completely child-free wedding. Nothing wrong with standing your ground. Tell your brother you would love him to be there but you respect that it is his choice. Ask for his final decision by your RSVP date. 

Post # 40
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

You can have whatever kind of wedding you like, but I wouldn’t expect a woman in late pregnancy/with a newborn to help plan your wedding.  Especially not if she’s a student as well.  She must be exhausted.

Post # 41
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

Don’t let him sing. Please. 

Post # 42
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

I’d just like to point out that the OP didn’t say she wants the parents to drink and party, she said she wants everyone to enjoy themselves. EVERYONE. That includes the non-parents, who might want to enjoy a fun, relaxing evening without being disturbed by crying babies and out of control toddlers. When babies cry during the ceremony, or toddlers are crawling around under the tables while people eat dinner or throwing a temper tantrum because its 8pm and they’re cranky, it annoys everyone, not just the parents.

If you can’t bear to be away from your precious kids for one night, then send your regrets and stay home. No one is obligated to have kids at their wedding, even if they are family. And breastfeeding babies are not an exception to the no kids rule. I don’t know why people keep saying that like it’s a real thing. The main reason for wanting a kid-free wedding is to avoid babies crying during the ceremony. So why would you make an exception for crying babies? You don’t get to ruin someone else’s wedding just because you’re breastfeeding. Either make childcare arrangements and attend the adults-only wedding, or stay home with your kids. The choice is yours. 

Post # 43
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

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cypresstree85 :  OPs exact words were “I want everyone to drink and party”. Also we are talking about one 6 year old and one baby, not a bunch of toddlers and babies. Nobody would be offended if she made an exception for her NEPHEW and MOH’s baby.

 

The issues is, the OP is calling her family ridiculous for being upset that they can’t bring their child. She has stated that she is “fine” that her Maid/Matron of Honor and brother might not be able to attend. This essentially means she cares more about the vision of a “sophisticated” child free wedding than celebrating with the people most important to her. Now THAT is ridiculous. 

 

Post # 44
Member
782 posts
Busy bee

I hope you don’t let all of these commenters who insist on making you feel guilty for wanting a child free wedding sway your decision. It’s your wedding, you have every right to not invite children and not feel badly about it. 

I am in the camp that thinks any children at a wedding is annoying and changes the dynamic, at least from the kind of wedding we are having. Others feel differently. Not going to make them feel badly, and they shouldn’t do that to you. Especially strangers on the internet applying their own thoughts and experiences to your situation.

Post # 45
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Oy vey! I do have to say, one of the PP’s made a good point. A lot of parents don’t make a big deal out of needing a babysitter (usually free ones, grandparents) when they want a date night, but act as if it’s a terrible atrocity if they are asked to get one for a wedding (hopefully a once in a lifetime event for the couple). I have one family member that does this constantly. No problem when they want to go to Walmart alone, but the once in a blue moon I ask if they can go do something, and they behave as if they need an act of congress to go with me. I digress…. The only exception I might have made is for the infant. However in your most recent response, it sounds as if she is away from her baby on a very regular basis for long periods of time. Thus, kind of invalidating it being a hardship to have a 4 hour block away from him/her. If it were a breastfeeding mother that doesn’t pump and stays at home, I would probably advocate for you to make an exception. As it is, I think, while perhaps a bit unkind, it’s not being completely unreasonable considering the circumstances. I personally am not having a child free wedding but I understand those that do. I grew up with lots of cousins, some little hellions whose parents left them unattended at family events and caused trouble constantly. Not everyone wants their wedding to be marked with tantrums and child issues, and yes, in some families this will just be a fact. While this might not be the case for everyone, some of us DO have this known issue with certain family members. For that reason, I don’t always think a child free wedding is a bad thing. 

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