(Closed) My family says: “You’re ENGAGED??? Why???” :(

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Hi!  Congratulations on your engagement.  I think they reacted this way because you are very young still (to them).  Statistics are not in a young married couple’s favor and perhaps they want you to have more life experiences first?

I’ll tell you a story that I *hope* might make you feel better by comparison 🙂  My sister was 17 when her boyfriend of 6 months bought her an engagement ring.  He was 23 and they worked together.  My Dad had never even met him!  So she told me, her bestie and lil sis and I said ‘what are you going to tell Mom and Dad?’. 

Well, the next morning, she puts her ring on, hides it behind her back and goes over to my parents who are having breakfast and reading the paper at the table.  She says ‘Mom, Dad……Chuck and I are enaged!!!’ and shows her ring.

My Dad briefly looked up from the newspaper, glanced at her ring and said ‘no you’re not’.  My Mom just started crying.  Very upsetting for my sis!  They did marry and she had my wonderful nephew at age 18 and my beautiful niece at age 23 and they divorced one year later.  He has been MIA and hasn’t paid support since.  Unfortunately they are one of the many statistics 🙁

Post # 4
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you are just young in their eyes.  They probably still think of you as their baby girl.  They will come around though.

Post # 5
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

eugh. Fiance AND I got engaged out of state so when we called to tell his family his mother said, “well, you know how I feel about that.” No congrats, nothing… but we’re cool now 🙂

Post # 6
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Did they expect him to ask them?  Maybe they just feel blind-sided…  But that is weird and disheartening.

Post # 7
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am also 22.

We are not too young to be getting married.

Blow it off, give your fiance a huge kiss, and be happy. 

I’m sorry your family is being so unsupportive. Mine sucks, too, if it makes you feel any better!

Post # 9
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I know someone who did the exact same thing. Sorry to say, the family wasn’t too accepting. They waited until she was done with school and worked a little bit. They had a longer engagement and she got married at 25 instead of 22. They are happy now.

Post # 10
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are young in their eyes. They probably want you to finish school and get established in your career. They probably know marriage stat’s aren’t too forgiving for couples under 25 and want you to wait a bit. Don’t blow them off. Listen to their concerns and go from there. I wish I would have listened to my parents more because they already went through my age. They already know how young people think and process things.

Post # 11
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

People here on weddingbee can be so passive-aggressively hostile towards young couples, and I really don’t know why.  Bitterness?

OP, you’re almost done with undergraduate school or already finished it and have sensible plans for after graduation.  You both will be about just a year short of the national average for marriage age by the time you get married, and you’ve been together for four years.  You certainly don’t seem to be rushing anything.  All this “you need more life experiences before you get married!!!1!” stuff is fluff, totally subjective, and in my mind, total crap.  Are you happy to be engaged, have you talked about all the things engaged couples should have before getting married, and do you feel ready to be married next year? Then that’s really all that matters here.  Your parents will come around when the news settles in and they realize you’re doing a good thing for yourself.

Someone a while back posted a great article that dispelled some of the myths about young marriage divorce rates.  They go dramatically down when the couples has graduated college, has known each other for more than three years, didn’t have a baby together before marriage, and so on.  To almost negligible rates.  I wish I had bookmarked that article.

Post # 12
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@veganglam:

People here on weddingbee can be so passive-aggressively hostile towards young couples, and I really don’t know why.  Bitterness?

I don’t think it’s passive aggressiveness or bitterness. I think most of us have been there where we thought we were in love and wanted to spend our lives with someone only to find out a year later you turn into a different person with different life goals and different wants from a partner. I think most of us are trying to be realistic. Some young couples make it work and that’s great, but a lot of them rush into it thinking all they need is each other and not thinking of anything else because mom and dad have been paying for school expenses, ect. Then they get out on their own and fight about money they  don’t have and end up divorced in less than two years. When people say you should finish school first, ,they are basically saying get out on your own without your parents help, get established in your career, save up, ect.

Post # 13
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

First I want to say “Yeah! I have a date twin!”

Second, I’m sorry your parents aren’t being as supportive as you may have wished, but as it gets closer to the wedding they’ll come around. I think they already have started, considering they were grilling you on an event that 9 months away (TONS of time to plan if you’re planning something small).

Could it also be a money issue? They may plan on helping with the wedding expenses, but your announcement of a wedding so soon has surprised them because they don’t have the money saved that they thought they would by the time you’re 30.

Post # 15
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@AlmostMrsDoc: My mom loves my Fiance, and we’re living with her right now for a few reasons, one is saving money. She is very happy about our wedding, and talks about when we’ll give her grandbabies all the time, but I know at times she is unsupportive of some of my wedding ideas. I listen to her opinions, try to explain why I choose something, and then carry on. I know that she knows we’re adults and capable of making our own decisions. In the end, I know that even though a few things I’ve decided about the wedding have hurt her, but she’ll be there with bells on. She’s walking me down the aisle and cross-stitching my pew markers!

Post # 16
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My parents were supposedly really happy when he asked for my hand but when he actually did it and we rushed over to tell them I had to wait until they were done playing a game and then when I said “I have some really good news!” My mother just said “oh, we already know” and went about whatever she was doing…. SERIOUSLY??? That is all I get? It took forever to convince her that we needed to start planning and even still it feels like pulling teeth sometimes. I am the first for my parents (will be the second to get married in the family as my younger cousin is getting married the month before us) and so maybe she just isn’t ready. I have been living on my own with Fiance for about two years now though… who knows. In the end I know they are happy for me so just keep that in mind with your parents. They are happy for you and will be in tears on your wedding day only this time they will be really happy tears!

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