(Closed) My Farewell

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

Ugh please, go to the Court house and sign a marriage license. You can always have a wedding two years from now. It’s the paper, the license, that’s what matters. Not the party that comes after. I am a couple of  years older than you and I will ALWAYS have debt. I’m just going to bite the bullet and move forward. I’m sorry you are so sad. I hope everything works out for you.

Post # 4
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think it’s great that you’re communicating so openly with him – it’s important that he knows what you’re feeling, expecting, etc.

Do you plan to combine finances after marriage? Would he/you consider doing it earlier to pay down his debt and move your relationship forward?

As far as not expecting to live debt free, it reminded me of a blog I read just yesterday about debt, http://mirreflections.wordpress.com/2010/08/28/my-name-is-miriam-and-i-am-debt-free/ I don’t know the girl who wrote it very well, but she and her (at the time fiance) said the same thing – “we’ll never be debt free” but now they totally are. I’ve heard a lot of people talk positively about the system thing she mentions in her blog too, so dave rasmey or something. If financial management is a struggle for your boyfriend, maybe he would consider taking a self help type course?

Whatever else and whatever decisions you make, good luck and keep communicating with him – that’s the most crucial thing!

Post # 5
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Me personally, no.  I’d always be bitter about losing the chance at having kids of my own, I’d always blame him no matter how hard I tried not to…  And to enter marriage with that kind of bitterness?  No, can’t do it.  

Post # 7
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My 100% honest, non sugar-coated opinion? I think if he wanted to marry you, he would.  Plain and simple.  His excuses are just that: excuses.  You’re going to be 32 and in the same position you’re in now.  I’ve been there and his actions are textbook avoidance.  You’re both too old for him to be asking you to wait 5+ years for an engagement.  

Also, think about the fact that he’s expecting you to shelve your dreams of having a family because he wants everything to be HIS way before he’ll propose.  Selfish, much? 

Post # 8
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry for you. Not the best situation. I don’t understand the debt argument. I mean couldn’t two people pay down debt better?

I’m with you on the kids thing too. Having kids is my dream and there’s not much I wouldn’t do to have them. But I would want those kids to have a great father too.

Post # 9
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

i agree with lezlers. i know it is really a scary prospect, but that’s my honest opinion.

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Money is not a reason to not get married. You could have a lovely city hall wedding and intimate, meaningful dinner afterwards with some close family/friends for very little. Also, debt is not a fact of life. My Fiance and I are around your age (27 and 33) and we have really strived and sacrificed to pay off all our school debt. We are entering our marriage debt free. BUT, that doesn’t mean that you need to wait for that to happen – it means that you need to tackle it together in a reasonable time frame.

If you want to be married, there isn’t anything stopping you….but him.

 

Post # 12
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You could be wondering if that ring is in the other room for the rest of your life.  I suggest moving out.  That way, you’re not breaking up with him but you’re also clearly communicating that you are not waiting around forever and that this relationship is not totally 100% on his terms, which he seems to believe right now.  You seriously need to stand up for yourself.  Once he pays off his debt is he going to make you wait longer because now he wants to save for a house?  There’s always something to wait for. 

Post # 13
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I hope it’s not just because of kids…I know you said you love him to death so that’s good. Because, on the other hand, you could get married and you won’t be able to have kids (just supposing, I don’t wish that on ANYONE!) then what happens? Anyhow, when I said people cannot be debt free, I meant there will always be something, credit cards, grocery store card, gas card, morgage, car note, anything. Except you live a ‘cash only’ existence. I’m really sorry this is happening to you. However, I really really applaud you for taking a stance and telling your guy what you felt. I wish I were like you. It took me almost two years of stewing before I said a word and by then, bitterness had already started seeping in. It’s never a good position to find yourself, especially us women ‘of a certain age’ Hope the talk with your parents helps you.

Post # 14
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with @bRooklynRocks – what would he say if you suggested tossing the idea of expensive rings and weddings out the window for now?  Is he especially attached to the idea of surprising you with a beautiful engagement ring before you can get married and move on with your lives?  Because if he really wants to be with you, it sounds like it’s time to shelve that.  

Even if you don’t just head straight to the courthouse, you can do something special together, declare yourselves engaged, and plan a small, creative, inexpensive wedding.  Then you can talk about having a bigger party, a diamond ring, etc. later when he feels more financially secure.  My parents did that; they knew they loved each other, they had no money and a lot of debt, they were leaving for graduate school together in a different state, and they knew they had to get married before cohabitation in order to not scandalize her parents.  So they just said, “Hey, we should get married”, and planned a wedding in 3 months.  They’re still together (34 years, I believe), and really happy, even though they didn’t have the traditional engagement and big wedding.  My dad surprised her with a beautiful ring on their 25th anniversary; but aside from that, it was their being married and sharing their whole lives (and having me, of course! 😉 ) that mattered.

Of course, that’s if he really honestly does want to be with you and isn’t using the money trouble as an excuse.  I have to go with @lezlers; if he wants to be with you, he won’t make you give up your life plans just so he can propose at his own pace.  Hugs and good luck – I feel for you!

Post # 15
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

tough call, but I think him putting off marriage because he wants to be debt free is a bunch of bull. Go to the courthouse and get married if he is so worried about spending money.

Sounds like he is just using it as an excuse. Then again, we as readers don’t know the whole story. My best advice would be to not make any “in the moment” sudden decisions. Always take the time to think about things. But when it comes down to it, if he’s not ready to get married and have a family and you are a decision must be made: him or kids.

Post # 16
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I think there is never going to be a perfect time to get married, financially speaking, unless you’re a billionaire.  But you know what, somehow people manage to get married all the time.  I think waiting 2 years for a proposal that is contingent on your boyfriend’s debt is both risky and unfair to you.  Of course it goes without saying that we don’t know everything about your relationship, but it sounds like it may have run its course.  You could be waiting around for a proposal that’s never going to come or you could be meeting someone else who can’t wait to be married to you. 

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