(Closed) my father cheats on my mom and has other kids (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What a tough situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully, the separation will be best for all of you in the long run. Hugs!

Post # 4
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am SO sorry that you are going through this.  It must feel like salt in a wound to see all of it so openly.

My only advice is that maybe you could visit with a family counselor?  (yourself)  They may be able to help guide you as you make these hard decisions…  weighing the pros and cons.  They could assist, or at least listen as you discuss the posibility of confronting your father and introducing yourself to your siblings…

All the best during this difficult time!

Post # 5
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

What is there to gain by confronting him? Guys like that, sociopathic liars, won’t ever change. You can show them the cold hard truth, and it doesn’t hit them like it does a normal person, they will twist it to make it their own truth. (Can you tell I know a guy just like him?) The fact that you realize how unhealthy this is, is a really GOOD thing. It has got to be a terrible thing to have such a flawed parent, but you seem to know that it is him, and not you, and not your mother, and that is so huge I don’t know if you even realize.Keep supporting your mother, that woman deserves an award.

I know that it may seem like a good idea to contact his other children, but I think it will just rub salt in a wound. 🙁   (((HUGS)))

Post # 6
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think if it were me, I would have a really difficult time NOT contacting my siblings. 

The fact of the matter is, your father is married to your mother. His other children have to realize that they are not his only children… I bet they wonder about you as well. 

Honestly, if it were me, I would confront my father, and tell him it upsets me what he did, but also inform him that I feel like it’s my right to know my family, and if he doesn’t come clean and introduce you to them, you’re going to contact them yourself. 

Post # 7
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, I could have never put up with that shit for as long as your mother has. I don’t want to make judgements on your mom but I don’t understand how any self respecting woman could stand by and watch her husband do these things and not do anything about it. I get the whole support thing but somethings are more important than that. 

I’m really sorry your family is going through this. I hope you guys sort everything out and do what’s right for you. As someone who has cut ties with an asshole bio father, it’s hard at first but it gets easier. I know I wouldn’t have the great life that I have today if that man was still around. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I guess I should clarify that I probably wouldn’t have animosity towards my half-siblings and would want to know them.

I say this from semi-expeiance seeing my brother. His dad left my mom when she was pregnant, and had 2 daughters with the woman he married after my brother was born. His daughters NEVER knew about my brother until they were adults. 

When they found out, they tracked him down, and now he has a pretty good relationship with them. 

I think you deserve a good relationship with your siblings, even if your dad sucks as a person. 

Post # 10
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you should try not to contact the other siblings, at least for now. The situation is so heated, and well, you’re not sure how they’ll react having you step into their world with this information. I think you should dial down the email evidence and whatnot — you got him, you know what his story is, stop torturing yourself, you know? Be gentle with yourself. Definitely see a counselor. You need an outlet for all of these emotions and to speak with a professional, just to get all this off your chest with someone who can truly give you the right words and motivation. Take care of yourself first. As for confronting him, that can come later, if at all.

Post # 13
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow… this certainly is more to deal with than the normal family issues.

1st I wouldn’t doing ANY confronting of anyone.. mom, other siblings, father, ANYONE. Even if your intentions are genuine, or in the case of your father warrented, they will NOT be received or projected that way. Not with the condition you’re in emotionally.

I would seek some kind of counsel FOR SURE! You have to take care of your heart FIRST!.. There’s a scripture (yes from the bible) that says “be angry but sin not”… NOW anger toward your father is warrented and most certainly to be understood… BUT you confronting him with all that anger in you will NOT get what you’re wanting or needing out of this situation.

I would really really really seek some kind of family counsel… if you go to church you could talk to a pastor, or simply get in the phonebook and start the process of healing for your own behalf.

As for your other siblings… I’m sure they do wonder about you (or if there’s a you) I mean with your fathers with your mother he’s not with them… why wouldn’t they have the same suspicion?…. I mean you did even that young.

So consider that they must be going through the same thing you are… if they know.. and if they don’t then if/when they find out they’re gonna be blindsided with the deciet.

Definitely hold off on doing anything… not because you’re pretending all is well, but because you just are NOT in the place to do it.

I will definitely be praying for you on this… for forgiviness in your heart and peace and comfort in the steps you should take.

Post # 14
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hatemyfather: That is really rough. I would certainly wait until after you sister knows about your half-siblings and the album to contact anybody…. The reason I say this is because it not only affect you, but also her. If you contact your half-sister, and suddenly this girl wants to meet you, it automatically drags your sister into it. 

I was lucky (on some level) growing up that I came from a blended family- my younger sister and I are the only 2 of 5 children to have the same two parents. All 5 of us grew up together in the same house, but divorces and bad relationships for my parents meant they had children when they met. For me, “half sibling” isn’t a word I ever used- they were just my brother and sisters, who happened to have 1 different parent. 

So for me, I have full confidence that a person can have a half-sibling and be just as close to them as a full blood sibling, but it will be much harder in your case because you’re all adults- growing up together makes a lot of difference. 

I think that for now you should wait, and if you and your sister talk about it and agree that you want to know your half-siblings, and not for malicious reasons, then you should try to make contact. 

Post # 16
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would just walk alone… and not because of other people and what they would think if you walked with your mom but b/c where the intent is coming from… it won’t make you feel any better and all it’s going to be is a passive aggressive way to smear your father (which only you and he will know… if not just you)

I don’t think there’s anything with walking alone though.. alot of brides do it these days =)

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