(Closed) my father cheats on my mom and has other kids (long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@hatemyfather: I can see your reasoning behind not wanting him to walk with you, but I have a feeling that when you inform him that you don’t want him walking with you, he’s going to want to know why… and then you’re going to be forced to confront him, at least partially. 

Just prepare for confronting him if you have to- I agree that now might be a good time to talk to a family councilor, who can give you some sound advice on how to handle it when the day comes. 

Post # 20
Member
46 posts
Newbee

wow, what a horrible situation. i am sooo sorry. i agree with the PPs that before you confront anyone or contact his other kids, you see a counselor.  as for walking down the aisle, i think walking alone is best.

Post # 21
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry that you are going through this!  You really need to seek counseling.  If confronting him is going to make you feel better, than I would suggest confronting him.  But if it is not going to do anything for you I would just leave it alone. If I knew that I had siblings out there that may or may not know about me, I would definitely seek them out and let them know what has been going on.  I wish the best for you, your sister, and your mother.  Nobody deserves what he has put you all through!

Post # 22
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@hatemyfather:

This is overwhelming! I am so sorry… my first tendency was to say that I thought maybe telling the truth would be best, but then on thinking about how long your whole family has been in denial over this, I worry about the price you would potentially pay for breaking that rule of not speaking? It’s just heartbreaking really to see the position you’re all in, and I get the point too that it makes it so difficult to negotiate things like having your father walk you down the aisle. I wish I had an answer for that one, for me I think the answer would be in whether I felt capable of making up an excuse for not having him walk me down the aisle and also whether I was willing to do so. I’m glad you’re letting things out to your fellow Bees, I hope it helps some.

Post # 23
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, I understand your reluctance to do counseling, but I think that is the best possible thing you could do for yourself and your family right now. Do you live in a city? Even if not, you should be able to find affordable options. I live in the Bay Area and there are a lot of “pay what you can” places that offer counseling. Even if you can’t find that, you may be able to find a hotline or something. The reason I suggest this is because not only are you dealing with a hugely emotional situation, you are dealing with years and years of dysfunctional relationships and repressed anger and pain. 

I think that you should absolutely confront him! It sounds like your family has gotten to this place because nobody is able or willing to talk to each other! Building healthy communication skills can be painful and difficult, but a relationship without communication of any kind is not a relationship, it’s an emotional crutch. That said, you will need guidance and support if and when you do communicate and you will most likely need help figuring out your own emotions.

I especially think it’s important to seek counseling because it is an investment in your future with your fiance. Regardless of how healthy your relationship is now, confronting your emotionally unhealthy family life will only strengthen it.

Post # 24
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011
Post # 25
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2007

I can understand how you feel. My dad is the same way I always hope it would all work out but it didn’t. I never understud why my mom would never leave him she always blamed it on us. But we are old now and know everything he has done but yet she always took him back no matter what he did. Is a long story but to this day after 25 years of them being merried is still going it almost seems like she like it. I always told her to leave him that I understud since my ex was the same and abuse. But it hasn’t happend all I can do is wish them the best!

I dont know if confronting him will be any help even if you have all the prove in the world they will always denied it. I know this is hard but it is better to let it go don’t let it ruin your life or future marriage. Learn from it and when the time is right it will all work out for the best. Keep your head up and be strong!

Post # 26
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If I were you, I think this is what I’d do..

1. scream and cry- get it out of my system

2. when i was done crying and screaming, confront my father- maybe cry and scream a little more, who cares- he’s a jerk

3. go find a counselor to talk to once a week or once every other week

4. 6mo-1year from now, after at least somewhat accepting the situation more, contact the siblings if yo still want to

 

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I have a f*cked up father too, different reasons but yeah, a horrible man.. I’ve been slowly trying to cut ties with him, its been going pretty well considering I moved to another country. I never want to let him hold my future children, the thought sickens me. sometimes i just want to beat the crap out of him- so i know how you feel (sort of)

Post # 27
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Its YOUR wedding. You want to walk down the isle with your mother then do it! Your dad did not earn that right. My dad up and left my mom for some other woman after 30 years of marriage. She was the sole supporter of our family yet he had no problem sh*tting on everything she did, and he treated this new woman and her daughter better then he even treated his own kids(my brother and i) or my mom. so I didnt want my dad to give me away either. I asked my fiance to walk down the isle with me. Also as a symbol of how we deal with the rest of our life, we address it side by side and together. so why wouldn’t we go together to the alter to get married?? That could be another solution for you, maybe?? Not traditional I know but still means something.

On the ‘freaking on dad” side… I’m SO with you. My situation may not be anywhere near what you are going through but i know the feeling of being in complete disgust with your dad and wanting to chew him a new one repeatedly for hours. The truth is, you can, it wont change who he is or even the situation-thats up to your mom, but it might make you feel like you have said your piece and that might be enough for your own peace of mind. Especially around your own wedding. Also contacting the half siblings is up to you. Tho consider that this knowledge may hurt them as well, like you are hurt now. They are unfortunately stuck in the middle of it all too. It might be best to let that one lie for a bit.

lol these are just my 2bits. I can feel your pain to an extent even though our situations differ. I hope you can find some sort of resolution!!

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