Post # 1
My wonderful fiancé has waited so patiently for my dads appeals to hopefully come back as granted so that we can finally have our wedding day. Well it’s now over 6 years later (4 of them we have been engaged) and we decided that to not wait any longer for several reasons. I’m having a hard time in general with it but specifically trying to decide what to do about the 2 parts my father would play (considering these are the only 2 things i ever thought about for my wedding day & now cannot have them) and need some help. My mom has stated she doesn’t want to walk me down the aisle since she will never “give me away”, I have a younger brother and sister, but not sure I would be comfortable walking down with either of them. I have an uncle/godfather that I’ve kind of grown apart from (not even sure he’s coming to the wedding) & I have an uncle that I’m kind of close to but again not sure if I feel comfortable walking down with either or both of them because my dad is just unavailable and I don’t want to “replace” him but at the same time I’m not sure I will be strong enough to walk by myself. Thoughts? And then how could I incorporate my dad in the ceremony/reception? Should I ask him to write something for ceremony/reception and have someone read it? Not sure what to do for my father/daughter dance either. I know my fiancé wouldn’t mind skipping all the dancing, but I know his mom would really be hurt not to be able to dance with her son and it would break my heart to ask her to give that up too. Thoughts? Thank you in advance for any help!
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear about your dad and u not being able to have him there. Are u close to your fiancées dad? If my dad and brother couldn’t walk me down id have asked my now husbands dad (father in law) as he’s like a dad to me and I love him. Otherwise have u got a maid of honour? Your other bridesmaids could go before u then your maid of honour could walk with you . It’s a shame your mum won’t walk with you , u could tell her it’s not giving you away, it’s gaining a son.Good luck
Post # 4
@SillyGooseJ44: Could you have a female friend, maybe Maid/Matron of Honor walk you down the aisle?
Also (and I know easier said then done) you might start to work on accepting that your father is not going to be in your life like he has been. It sounds like he has been locked up for 6 years now and I am not telling you how to feel but as someone who works w/ “lifers” in a prison it is important for their families to come to terms w/ accepting it “just for today,” rather than having every holiday, wedding, anniversary be so emotional (for both the inmate and the family outside.) If you want I could get you resources for some more support in dealing with this. I also think having him write something that gets read is a great idea.
Feel free to PM me too.
After reading the PP what if the bridal party walked with you, like you leading the pack and have the whole crew right behind you in pairs?
Post # 5
First of all *big hug*, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Seeing how important the roles of the father is for you, this must be extremely tough. I think the letter idea is absolutely fantastic, and I think your dad would love the idea of being able to be part of the day in some way. As for the aisle, would you consider walking down the aisle with your FI? I am Greek, and it is actually in our culture to walk down together as the whole “giving away” premise isn’t practiced in the orthodox faith. You would both be entering this new chapter in your lives as you walk down the aisle. And you could still have the “first look” surprise by doing it seperately while your photographer snaps photos. Maybe something to think about? For the dance, perhaps you could have a “parent dance” and dance with your mother while your Fiance dances with his mom, to a song that captures the moment of parental figures (i.e. you raise me up). I hope this helped, and again, I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Post # 6
@nearlymarriedlass: I am not that close to my father-in-law, but the Maid/Matron of Honor idea might work 🙂
@aliciapd: I definitely want to move in the direction of acceptance bc I don’t like everything being so hard for either of us. How do you suggest I can approach the question of wanting to incorporate him and having him write something? The wedding had been a little bit of a sore subject since we had originally thought we were waiting, the justice system seems to work really slow and I know this is equally hard for him.
@krrmee5: first, thank you, even virtual hugs help 🙂 and great ideas, you’ve given me some options to mull over and it’s very much appreciated!! I might push it even farther to a “family dance” and let us all have a moment together, after all that’s what we are there for to join families, right?
thank you all for your thoughts and support, it really does help! 🙂
Post # 7
I am sorry to hear of your family’s situation!
My H and I walked into our ceremony together, arm in arm. It’s what the Swedes do – it’s very common in Sweden! I loved it. There’s no sense of someone “giving you away,” no fretting to find a replacement person, and you get to hold on tightly to each other as you walk down the aisle. You’re going into marriage together so walking in together seem only natural. I think it was the best way to go and hope more Americans would consider it!
Post # 8
You have have a picture of him that you’re fond of? He could walk you down the aisle in spirit, and if he knows the time/date of the wedding I’m sure I’ll be thinking of you.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I love the idea of walking down the aisle and your Fiance meeting you half way.
As for your dad. I would put his name on the invitations and you could wear something of his as your something blue. You could dedicate a song to him on the day. Im sure youll think of some more personal ideas while your planning.
As for the dancing – Personally I say just skip it. Mother in law will get over it and its not about her anyway.I didnt think mother – son dances were all that popular anyway. If it really is that important to all of you
Post # 10
I know this must be painful for you both, but since it looks like it won’t change soon, I wonder if asking your dad for his input re who should walk you down the aisle, if anyone, might make it hurt less. He might have a favorite person in mind whom he would trust to walk his little girl down the aisle. If not, at least you would be solving it together instead of feeling so separate and I imagine, possibly feeling like its a betrayal on some level ( of occurs it’s not, but love and loyalty pull at the heart). if he is allowed Internet access or teleconferencing, you might be able to live stream the ceremony for him So he can be there as it happens.
Post # 11
I agree with all of these ideas.
For my own wedding, my dad and I are not close at all, so I knew that he wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle. Instead, I’m going to walk about 2/3rds of the way down the aisle and then have Fiance come meet me and we will walk together to the front. I’ve seen this done at a couple weddings before, and it actually looks very sweet and romantic!
If you think that having a mother-son dance will be like rubbing salt into a wound, I say skip it. Have your Mother-In-Law and Fiance pick out a song that would work, and the DJ can play it later in the night. Then they can dance together to that song without it being a formal/announced dance between your Fiance and his mom. It would still give them that special moment together without making you feel upset on your wedding day.
Post # 12
I like the Maid/Matron of Honor idea. Also, what about both your younger brother and sister, one on each side of you? I’m sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like you have a very understanding and supportive fiancé. I hope it turns out to be a beautiful day for the two of you!
Post # 13
@SillyGooseJ44: I don’t have any suggestions for walking down the isle, but for your first dance you could get some pictures together and have a slide show played during the song you would have danced to or you could dance with a sibling. My MOH’s husband danced with is sister at their wedding because his mom died when he was fairly young. Good luck
Post # 14
@SillyGooseJ44: I am really sorry to hear all of what you are going through! 🙁 It’s really tough, I know. My father won’t be able to be at my wedding either due to him being in jail. I LOVE the idea of having him write something for someone to read at your ceremony/reception! And I do like the Maid/Matron of Honor walking you down if you do not feel comfortable walking by yourself. And what a shame that your mom wouldn’t think of you and your feelings and tell you that she won’t walk you down! 🙁 As far as the dance part, I do like what a PP said about calling it a Parent Dance. Could you dance with your mom?
Post # 15
How old is your younger brother? Can he walk you down…? My mom had her brother walk her down, and the letter idea would be a good idea, don’t read it. Have the letter be sent to your brother and at the reception, have your brother read it aloud to everyone.
Post # 16
You could always walk yourself. There’s no shame in that. OR your Fiance could meet you half way and you could walk the last half together.
Also, what if your dad wrote something that one of your siblings could read for him?