(Closed) My FH does not want to go visit my family…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

If he doesn’t want to go you need to be okay with that.  My husband comes from a dysfunctional an abusive family as well and I don’t go around them for just that reason.  Can you really blame the man that loves you for not wanting to be around people that abused?  He needs to be able to have his own feelings about this and make his own choices.  Honestly, it might be best if he doesn’t go because I know for fact if I were around the people that abused my husband I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut. I would make a huge scene.  I also don’t let them have any access to my children, so if that’s something that you can’t tolerate then you may need to cut your losses now.  Why on earth would he let the people who abused his wife around his children?  I don’t and I feel great about my choice I feel like it makes me a great mom who is protecting her children from evil people.

Post # 4
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@MrsFuzzyFace:  +1. Can you have skype set up so he can meet your grandmother remotely? Assuming she wasn’t one of the people abusing you

Post # 5
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I definitely think its a good idea to give him some time to sort out his feelings. Perhape he could just meet with the people that weren’t involved in the abuse, if that is an aunt or an uncle or grandma.

I also don’t think he absolutely has to meet your family. It would be traditional I guess, but its not absolutely necessary.

I agree with PP that you need to decide what you will do when you have kids, what kind of access you will let them have, etc.

Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d see if you can compromise— see if he’d be willing to make the trip to just meet Grandma, then you can visit with the rest of the family while he does something else or leave your plans loose so he can join you if he changes his mind.

Your husband should be protective of you, and if you were abused as a child, it’s perfectly understandable that he would not want to socialize with those who hurt you.  In fact, I’d be surprised if he felt any other way. You have to allow him to have those feelings and to deal with them as he will.

Post # 8
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

He may not be comfortable and not like your family for what they did, but they did that to you, not him.  I think if YOU feel comfortable with your family and what they have done in the past, he should stand by your side with how you want to deal with them.  And if that means meeting your grandma (who I also assume was not part of the abuse) and celebrating with the others, he should try to face them if you can.  I think meeting your grandma in support of you and he should try to get over it if it means that much to you. How you guys deal with your future children and their exposure and a whole other ordeal.

Post # 11
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@jessiebean:  Unfortunately, you really are going to have to choose.  If my husband  told me today that I had to let the people who abused him see our daughters, my girls and I would be gone before the sun set tonight!  I don’t give a wet rat if they have changed or not the bridge has been burned.  It is knowledge that he can’t simply choose to unknow.

Post # 14
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My husband is one of 4 children and both of his parents are deceased.  He hasn’t spoken to his sister in over 7 years (since their father died), he’s a bit estranged from one brother, and the other brother is disabled due to enchephalitis that he contracted in the early 70s and lives in my husband’s home.  The other brother and sister never even call to check on the disabled brother.

I’ve heard all sorts of stories about the brother and sister…most are bad.  That being said, I’ve told him that I will never say an ill word about either of them.  I don’t know them, have never met them, and neither of them have never done anything to me.  If and when I ever meet them I will be kind and cordial.  He has issues with them.  I do not.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have his back but family is family.  If I start talking bad about them or refuse to meet them it does nothing but hurt him. 

I think your Fiance needs to take your feelings into consideration.  If you want him to meet your dad then he needs to meet your dad.  Your father has admitted he did wrong…that’s a huge, huge thing.  He obviously is seeking forgiveness and you will have problems truly forgiving him if your partner holds out.  I can understand that your Fiance is angered by what happened to you but if you’ve worked your way through or are working your way through it then he needs to do the same.

Post # 15
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so glad you’ve come to a point in your life where you seem to accept what happened, have come to terms with it, and seem to have reached a place of resolution.

However, as an outsider, it may be difficult for your Fiance to understand how you could forgive or even tolerate your abusers because he loves you, and for many people, child abuse is completely unnacceptable and unforgiveable. He hasn’t taken the same journey of healing that you have and can’t imagine the road it took to get you this place of acceptance. He needs to reach his own place of resolution in his own time.

Have you considered, in the meantime, explaining what him being there would mean to you? If I were in your shoes, I think it wouldn’t just be important for them to meet, but rather to have him there for emotional support instead of putting yourself in that situation to deal with it alone. Explain that he needs to be polite but not necessarily friendly, and promise to stay in a hotel so your visits with them are short episodes instead of one long stay. Staying in a hotel also gives you your own space to escape to if a visit becomes too overwhelming.

Also, I think what @MrsFuzzyFace: said about having these people around your children is really important. Why repair or continue these relationships if you feel you may want to cut them out of your lives later? Something to consider.

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