Post # 1
Hi bees, I know that etiquette says that people in relationships have to be invited as a unit, but I feel so awkward and torn in this situation. I have a friend who I absolutely have to invite to my wedding. The problem is that my FH’s family has serious issues with her long-time boyfriend/now fiance that go years back before my friend and I even met. I feel like it would be a huge insult to his family if I were to invite this guy. But I’m also not sure how I would approach my friend about this. What do I do??
Post # 2
Your fiance’s family will just have to learn how to be mature and settle their differences at the wedding. I’m sure your friend would be put off if her fiance wasn’t invited to the wedding.
Post # 3
I think you have no choice but to invite him. Talk to your friend and your FH’s family about the predicament. Sit everyone on opposite sides of the room from eachother as well. Hopefully everyone can get along for you and your FH if only for the duration of the event.
Post # 4
futuremrssousa : kittytwo :
Thanks for your input. To give you guys some backstory, the reason why there is bad blood in this situation is because this guy allegedly molested a teenage cousin of my FH, so unfortunately I don’t think it’s as simple as telling my future family to just get over it..
Post # 5
I don’t want to seem insensitive, that’s terrible what happened to his cousin. But I just want you to be prepared your friend may not come if her fiance is not invited.
Post # 6
I would not invite someone like that. I’m sure your friend is aware of the allegations (if she isn’t, she needs to be!) and I would just let her know that because it was never resolved, he’s not welcome but you hope she’ll still come. I think that’s the best you can do.
Post # 7
Invite the friend and not the fiance. And then don’t worry about it
Post # 8
normally I would say you’d have to invite him. But in cases of safety and abuse, especially that of a minor, nope. Standard etiquette doesn’t apply here. Etiquette is merely a standard way of treating people well. In this case, your fh’s cousin’s feelings take priority.
Post # 9
We’re worried about ETIQUETTE for a child molester?? Etiquette be damned. No, he cannot come and if your friend cops a tude about it, she can sit her ass home with him. She needs to get accustomed to that if she intends on keeping him.
Post # 10
He raped someone.. so no he doesn’t get invited and your friend can deal or not show up. This is what happens when you date someone who sexually assualts a minor.. sorry those people get no second chances in my books. zero sympathy.
also wtf is your friend doing with him.. what… is he a nice guy now? ha
Post # 11
Thanks for your advice. She is definitely aware of the allegations and I’m hoping she will be understanding.
Thank you, I totally agree. I just can’t in good conscience invite this man and disrespect my FH’s family.
I’m thinking I should still offer her a plus one but ask her not to bring him. Actually, she has another relative that is good friends with my Future Mother-In-Law…
Post # 12
A molester?!?! Fuck etiquette. No way I’d invite him. I wouldn’t even feel comfortable ever being in his presence.
ETA: If you give her a +1, that means she can literally bring whoever she wants. So she’d still probably opt to bring him.
Post # 13
In the case of abuse, I think etiquette can be ignored in favor of good sense and the well-being of a minor. I was molested as a teenager and if I were in your FI’s family, I wouldn’t attend any event where both I and my abuser were invited (I would probably consider ending my relationship with you as well, since I would see your actions supporting him and condoning his behaviour).
Post # 14
Etiquette does not say you should invite child molesters. So no problem there. Your friend might still be upset, but that’s what happens when you date child molesters.
Post # 15
You definitely should not invite him. That would be horrifying for his family and potentially traumatizing for the cousin if she’s coming. Even if she’s older now, having been abused by someone and broken like that, and then watching them just carry on having a normal life without any perceivalbe consequences can be HUGELY damaging and only add to their lack of self worth.
You should be prepared though that they may also take issue with her depending on the details. Still seat them far apart and minimize potential interaction. Does she know that they are the family of the girl he molested, not just that he molested someone? She may feel awkward coming at all if that’s the case. But your family should be protected over someone who feels awkward about dating someone that sexually assaulted a child.