Post # 1
I am so happy to say that I am finally marrying my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 8 years and the man of my dreams in September! He is first-generation Vietnamese-American and I am caucasian. His family is also Catholic, while my parents were hippies and I spent most of my childhood going to metaphysical fairs! lol. My fiance’s father is a Catholic Deacon as well. And while my fiance was raised Catholic and he has parts of the Catholic faith that he loves, he does NOT want a Catholic ceremony! We are both very laid back and fun people and a catholic ceremony is just way too traditional for us. Also, we are getting married in Las Vegas (we are from Denver) and for the venue we want, they don’t offer a catholic ceremony anyway.
So, with that said! My fiance and I are about %95 sure that his father is not going to come to his own son’s wedding because the ceremony isn’t catholic. We know this because he has not come to other members of my fiance’s extended family b/c their ceremonies were not Catholic. My fiance has 6 other brothers and so far 4 of them are married and they all had catholic ceremonies, so we dont have any idea as to whether or not he would not go to one of his son’s weddings. But, he has mentioned on previous occasions that he would not come, so that’s why we are pretty sure he won’t. He has stated that our marriage would not be valid if we didn’t do a catholic ceremony. It also doesn’t help that I am not baptised and he knows that I am not. (he cornered me one day and asked me lol. Otherwise, I would not of indulged that to him) Besides that, we think we have a 50/50 chance of his mother coming. She is religious as well but that sort of thing is not as important to her as it is to his father. She has been known to go to weddings anyway, without him.
For my fiance and I, a wedding should be more about family, not religion. So, we would like him to be there despite the type of ceremony it is! Of course, if he doesnt come, we arent going to disown him or anything, but still, we want him to share this day with us! I don’t know if anyone has had the same situation happen to them but I am wondering if any of you ladies have any advice for me? We want to try to convince him to come but dont know what to say to do it. And like I said, us having a catholic ceremony is not an option for us, especially since we have booked the venue already.
Thanks! I appreciate any advice or similar stories! <3
Post # 3
My cousin is having a very initmate (immediate family only) Catholic ceremony before her “public” ceremony. She’s quite religious but she’s always dreamed of a garden ceremony so that was her solution.
Would you guys consider doing that? That way, you’d be married in the eyes of God before you go to Vegas so maybe his dad would go? If his dad’s a deacon, he would probably marry you for free (or small donation to the church).
Post # 4
I’m in a similar situation. I’m not Catholic, but my Fiance was raised Catholic and all his family is too. We decided to have a non-denominational ceremony, because we didn’t want it in a church and we wanted it to reflect our tastes. I know Catholic weddings don’t allow much personalization. I think FI’s parents were shocked at first by our decision, but they said they would both be there. His dad said he could never dream of missing his son’s wedding. I know you haven’t asked your in-laws about it yet, but there’s a good chance they might feel the same way. Even if your Future Father-In-Law missed out on other non-Catholic weddings, he might make an exception for his own son.
Post # 5
My FI’s family are very devout Catholics and while he was raised that way he does not practice. I am Seventh-day Adventist and my family is also very religious.
We are having a non-denominational wedding as well based on 1 Corinthians 13 and it will be outside. A few people have mumbled comments about outside and no mass but all in all people have realized it isn’t their wedding, it’s ours.
Post # 6
@Mrs.DBee: We would maybe do something like that AFTER our main ceremony we are planning now. But I would have to ask my FH what he thinks.
Post # 7
Would he come to your big non denominational wedding if you were married in the catholic church first? I mean…he IS a deacon couldn’t he marry you two in the chapel or something? I am catholic ( my friends say I am hella catholic but I don’t think so) and for some catholics it is SUCH a big deal to be married first in the church. It doesn’t have to be anything big at all, it is just the idea of getting married inside a church. Indulge the idea of having a private quick ceremony for his dad maybe but even then…I ask again..would he be willing to come to your um “real” wedding? Personally I was quite appalled at how my church was pretty offensive to a lot of my married friends…also parishinors of the church saying they weren’t “really” married 20 years. lame. And if you get married after you have a ceromony it is a little more complicated to get married in the catholic church…I don’t see what good that would do though since he doesn’t want to come to your wedding now. Sorry, your Fiance dad sounds “hella” catholic lol!
Post # 8
@Angelz_love: See actually, I dont think I would be comfortable with doing it prior to the wedding I am planning at the moment. For me, I really want that first moment of us being husband and wife to be shared with my family and friends. It somewhat takes the magic out of it for me if we have already been married for a week or a few days or what have you. So, even though it might be harder or even impossible to do a catholic ceremony afterwards, that is still what I would be more comfortable doing.
Post # 9
@Setsuna22: “We would maybe do something like that AFTER our main ceremony we are planning now. But I would have to ask my FH what he thinks.”
I think this is a good solution for you guys. Your Future Father-In-Law would be up in arms if your non-denom ceremony were the ONLY ceremony, but you ought to be able to appease him somewhat with a post-wedding church convalidation ceremony… he won’t be happy, but at least that way he won’t be able to say your marriage isn’t “valid.”
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would do the convalidation/church blessing after if it would make a difference and you’re comfortable with it.
We are also in pretty much the same situation. I am non-religious, Fiance grew up Catholic but really doesn’t attend so we decided that we would have a secular ceremony on the day of and that at some point we will do a church blessing. Future Mother-In-Law threatened to not come to our ceremony (among other things) but has since changed her mind. I’m not sure what changed her mind exactly, maybe just the fact that she would be missing her youngest son’s wedding?
Post # 11
@Setsuna22: Advise him to talk to a priest about the situation in the confessional. There is not guarentee of the advise he’ll be given, but some priests feel that more damage is done to family relationships by not attending. It can often send the wrong message even though technically speaking Catholics are not lawfully able to enter marriage outside of the Catholic Church.
Post # 12
I might be the only one to think this, but I wouldn’t recommend doing a convalidation after or a ceremony before. Neither of you is a practicing Catholic. Taking part in a religious ceremony when you don’t really believe in it may not be the best idea because I believe it would involve lying for the ceremony. Do either of you intend to raise your kids Catholic? Are you open to children the way the Catholic church wants you to be (meaning no birth control beside NFP)? Do either of you believe it’s a sacrament? Are you ready to do the pre-cana (that’s basically pre-marriage counseling that you do with the priest and requires a certain amount of prep time)?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it but I do think you should take it very seriously and not do something just to make your FI’s father happy. Would he want you to have a Catholic ceremony knowing that you don’t believe in it the way he does? What happens when it comes time to baptize your children, or for them to get first Communion, or Reconciliation, or Confirmation? Are you going to go through the motions to make him happy?
I’m really not trying to be mean, I’m just trying to give you things to think about. If those are valid concerns in your opinion, I would talk to him about it. If he’s a Deacon, he wouldn’t want you to lie just to make him happy either. Is he aware that your Fiance doesn’t consider himself a practicing Catholic? I would also appeal to his mother; she may be able to convince him that they can be a better Catholic influence on you as a couple if they stay connected to you rather than denying you as a couple because you didn’t get married in their religion.