(Closed) My FH’s family is catholic, but we are having a non-denominational ceremony

posted 6 years ago in Catholic
Post # 3
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My cousin is having a very initmate (immediate family only) Catholic ceremony before her “public” ceremony. She’s quite religious but she’s always dreamed of a garden ceremony so that was her solution. 

Would you guys consider doing that? That way, you’d be married in the eyes of God before you go to Vegas so maybe his dad would go? If his dad’s a deacon, he would probably marry you for free (or small donation to the church).

Post # 4
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m in a similar situation. I’m not Catholic, but my Fiance was raised Catholic and all his family is too. We decided to have a non-denominational ceremony, because we didn’t want it in a church and we wanted it to reflect our tastes. I know Catholic weddings don’t allow much personalization. I think FI’s parents were shocked at first by our decision, but they said they would both be there. His dad said he could never dream of missing his son’s wedding. I know you haven’t asked your in-laws about it yet, but there’s a good chance they might feel the same way. Even if your Future Father-In-Law missed out on other non-Catholic weddings, he might make an exception for his own son.

Post # 5
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

My FI’s family are very devout Catholics and while he was raised that way he does not practice. I am Seventh-day Adventist and my family is also very religious.

We are having a non-denominational wedding as well based on 1 Corinthians 13 and it will be outside. A few people have mumbled comments about outside and no mass but all in all people have realized it isn’t their wedding, it’s ours.

Post # 7
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Would he come to your big non denominational wedding if you were married in the catholic church first? I mean…he IS a deacon couldn’t he marry you two in the chapel or something? I am catholic ( my friends say I am hella catholic but I don’t think so) and for some catholics it is SUCH a big deal to be married first in the church. It doesn’t have to be anything big at all, it is just the idea of getting married inside a church. Indulge the idea of having a private quick ceremony for his dad maybe but even then…I ask again..would he be willing to come to your um “real” wedding? Personally I was quite appalled at how my church was pretty offensive to a lot of my married friends…also parishinors of the church saying they weren’t “really” married 20 years. lame. And if you get married after you have a ceromony it is a little more complicated to get married in the catholic church…I don’t see what good that would do though since he doesn’t want to come to your wedding now. Sorry, your Fiance dad sounds “hella” catholic lol!

Post # 9
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Setsuna22:  “We would maybe do something like that AFTER our main ceremony we are planning now. But I would have to ask my FH what he thinks.”

I think this is a good solution for you guys. Your Future Father-In-Law would be up in arms if your non-denom ceremony were the ONLY ceremony, but you ought to be able to appease him somewhat with a post-wedding church convalidation ceremony… he won’t be happy, but at least that way he won’t be able to say your marriage isn’t “valid.”

Post # 10
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would do the convalidation/church blessing after if it would make a difference and you’re comfortable with it. 

We are also in pretty much the same situation. I am non-religious, Fiance grew up Catholic but really doesn’t attend so we decided that we would have a secular ceremony on the day of and that at some point we will do a church blessing. Future Mother-In-Law threatened to not come to our ceremony (among other things) but has since changed her mind. I’m not sure what changed her mind exactly, maybe just the fact that she would be missing her youngest son’s wedding?

Post # 11
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Setsuna22:  Advise him to talk to a priest about the situation in the confessional.  There is not guarentee of the advise he’ll be given, but some priests feel that more damage is done to family relationships by not attending.  It can often send the wrong message even though technically speaking Catholics are not lawfully able to enter marriage outside of the Catholic Church.

Post # 12
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I might be the only one to think this, but I wouldn’t recommend doing a convalidation after or a ceremony before.  Neither of you is a practicing Catholic.  Taking part in a religious ceremony when you don’t really believe in it may not be the best idea because I believe it would involve lying for the ceremony.  Do either of you intend to raise your kids Catholic?  Are you open to children the way the Catholic church wants you to be (meaning no birth control beside NFP)?  Do either of you believe it’s a sacrament?  Are you ready to do the pre-cana (that’s basically pre-marriage counseling that you do with the priest and requires a certain amount of prep time)?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it but I do think you should take it very seriously and not do something just to make your FI’s father happy.  Would he want you to have a Catholic ceremony knowing that you don’t believe in it the way he does?  What happens when it comes time to baptize your children, or for them to get first Communion, or Reconciliation, or Confirmation?  Are you going to go through the motions to make him happy?

I’m really not trying to be mean, I’m just trying to give you things to think about.  If those are valid concerns in your opinion, I would talk to him about it.  If he’s a Deacon, he wouldn’t want you to lie just to make him happy either.  Is he aware that your Fiance doesn’t consider himself a practicing Catholic?  I would also appeal to his mother; she may be able to convince him that they can be a better Catholic influence on you as a couple if they stay connected to you rather than denying you as a couple because you didn’t get married in their religion.

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