My FI always blows up at me over nothing, and then blames me for everything

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

Let him.  This behavior will only get worse.  RUN!

 

Post # 3
Member
6674 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Sometimes I can’t believe posts like this are real. But just in case:

OP, this guy is abusive. Why would you even WANT to marry him?

Post # 4
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Please leave him. Your marriage will be so unhappy. I promise there are better guys and you deserve so much more. 

Post # 5
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

Please get away from this person. They are people out there– many, many people – who will not behave like this. Don’t waste another minute of your precious life with this man. 

Post # 6
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Break up immediately after you get all your things out of his place. Abusers often escalate after they lock down their prey, and when they are about to get dumped. 

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

Why are you marrying him?  Run now while it’s easier to get out.  

Post # 8
Member
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Why women put up with behavior like this at your stage, even before marriage, is so far beyond my experience and comprehension. It’s downhill from here, I promise, and he’s already abusive.  If anyone had ever spoken to me that way, even once, I’d have been done. 

Break up with him. Run and do not look back. 

Post # 9
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

loveconfused :  

Bee, it’s so easy to downplay the seriousness of verbal abuse.  So many people broadcast the attitude that abuse has to leave bruises to be real, and so it can be hard to understand within ourselves or find validation from those nearest us that the shouting and cruel words we are receiving from someone is actually abuse and damaging.  When he is treating you like this he is lashing out and taking his own insecurities out on you, making you the recipient of his anger and demands that you “take it” and that you deserve it. This is so damaging to your emotional and psychological health and the anxiety induced by his behavior can and will make you physically ill as well.

This behavior of his will get worse the longer he is with you and the more established the relationship is.  How long before some throwing things or kicking at things gets involved–that’s implied violence and very anxiety inducing.  Also abuse.  There is risk here of things escalating to conventional abuse probably beginning with a shove, tossing your stuff out, shoving you out of a room and shutting the door on you.  I’ve seen it all. 

I saw it with a couple I worked for as a live-in nanny when I was single.  They were both attorneys at a well-respected law firm.  She was a strong woman who, over the nine months I worked there, was brought to cowering and trembling around her angry, raging husband whose tantrums got worse by the day.  He started off sweet and nice when they met, according to her description.  Then he began to show signs of frustration and impatience when they got married which, over the course of five years gave way to displays of anger–first with words, then with throwing things and constant threats of divorce crept in. I walked out after nine months of his abusive behavior.  He hired me and fired me at least once a month over nothing. They had gone through 4 nannies by the time the child was 2. He was in violation of his contract by a mile, so I was financially compensated.  On my way out the door, I made it clear to the wife that I was leaving because of his temper.  I hoped she would too (but I didn’t say that).  She left him a few months later.  I’m so glad to this day that she left for her sake and their son’s sake, who was victimized both by witnessing his father’s violent temper towards his mother (and the nannies) but also he was old enough that his father was beginning to take his temper out on him too.  I don’t know if the effect on the child was ever properly addressed due to the nature of his father’s death a few years later.  His father died aboard one of the planes that crashed into the twin towers in the World Trade Center Attack, so he’s an “untouchable,” a saint who died in a public tragedy.  So I don’t know if his son has ever felt comfortable talking honestly about his father’s awful behavior enough to deal with its effect on him.  but I’m sure it affected him.  He was a neurotic mess already at three before I left.  He was also not his father’s only son.  His father had been married previously.  His wife left him after they had one child together.  I can guess it was for the same behavior.  That son was in the news a few years after the World Trade Center Attack for a public display of violence during a peaceful town commemoration of the 9/11 tragedy and victims.  He was arrested and he made several outrageous, nasty statements during and after his arrest.  Like father, like son.

I hope you can see why on this forum the bees are very quick to identify abuse and are very no-nonsense in their advice to those experiencing it to get out.  That is my advice to you:  get out of this relationship.  Do not marry this man.  You cannot fix him.  Even if he admitted he had a problem and went to individual counseling to work on his temper (couples counseling is not an option with abuse as it makes the abuse worse), it would take years of hard work and it’s doubtful that he would ever truly stop his abusive behavior.  It is deeply ingrained in him.  Like I said, he’s not in control of himself when he does these things, so where is the expectation that he is even capable of stopping himself?  This is how abuse gets so out of hand.  The abuser loses all perspective when they get angry and they lose control of themselves.  There’s no telling what they will do.  Verbal abuse now can and usually does give way to some form of physical abuse.  And remember that strong, intelligent attorney I saw reduced to a cowering, shivering battered wife?  Verbal abuse is plenty to break down a person that way.  He doesn’t have to hit you to do it.  And why is he getting worse now?  The relationship has crossed a miilestone of security–engagement entering into wedding planning. Abusers often succeed in hiding their abusive tendencies until they feel that their person of interest is secured in place.  The real him will show more and more and it turns out that the real him is violent.

Please don’t make excuses for him.  This is why we date, why we take our time getting to know someone before we marry them–to find out if they are a suitable choice to marry.  You have finally had the opportunity to get a glimpse of the real him he was hiding previously under a polite exterior.  He is not a suitable choice for you to marry.   Get out.  Please, please get out.

Post # 10
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

There are people in this world who have all his good qualities and will still respect you when they are angry. You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He doesn’t. Leave, and do it as safely as you can.

Post # 11
Member
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If he’s behaving this way before you are legally tied to him, what is he going to do once you’re married and it’s harder for you to get away? What about after you have children and it’s even harder to get away from him and then you have a tie to him forever? Parenting together (especially when it’s your first time) can be extraordinarily stressful. Are you prepared for him to be screaming at you while you are holding a baby?

I think you should count yourself fortunate that you got this warning BEFORE the wedding and get out of there now. His behavior is not okay and him expecting you to just ignore it because “he didn’t mean it” means he’s not taking responsibility for his impact or for making a different choice and when he escalates further, that won’t be his fault, either.

Post # 12
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

This is emotional abuse. He will not change unless he goes through many years of self reflection and therapy. Been there, done that. RUN.

Post # 13
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

Agreed: this is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may not escalate to physical to be damaging & leave long-lasting effects.

Please look up “love bombing” to armour yourself against his apologies after. Realize that his apologies & loving words are hollow and equally as abusive as the hateful ones.

 

You don’t have to hate him, or label him; it could be conscious or unconscious manipulation (in the way that a toddler does); but regardless DO NOT marry this man. He loves himself, not you. 

Post # 14
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

He’s abusive. Break up now before wasting away your life. 

Post # 15
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

Do NOT marry someone who is obviously worth SO much less than you and your safety and emotional/mental health.

Seriously, leave him. He sounds horrible and no one deserves to be treated this way. 

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