Post # 1
Ok so I have recently got engaged and I am really happy with this guy but he has been married before. I know this was before we met but it bothers me when people say ‘second time lucky’ or ‘are you sure you got it right this time’ Another thing is his mum is really close to his ex wife and treats her like a daughter. It’s not like his mum doesn’t like me. She treats me like family, but his family have all their wedding pictures up and are constantly going on about him and his ex wife and how happy they were and how she is still family. It just really upsets me sometimes. Anyone else in a similar place?
Post # 3
I am a second-time bride and I’m still close to my ex’s family. They’re tremendous people, even if I couldn’t be married to their son. HOWEVER…
they don’t keep wedding photos of us around, and I don’t think they’d do anything to make my ex’s new girlfriend uncomfortable. That’s just rude…we can have a relationship without making things weird, I think.
What does your Fiance say about it? Can’t he speak to his mom and say, “Mom, I respect that you still feel affection for ex-wife, and that is fine, but don’t keep pictures around and quit with the stories about my past marriage. It makes both me and Taryelle uncomfortable.”
And the people making comments about “are you sure you got it right this time” are ill-mannered boors, likely thinking they’re funny. They’re not.
Post # 4
My parents got divorced when I was little but my dad’s family was always very nice to my mother. As a kid I really apreciated that. They always had good things to say about her BUT they didn’t keep up wedding pictures or try to make my step mom feel bad. Maybe the family members are just lazy and haven’t changed out pictures. I’d bet it’s not malicious, just lazy. So be glad that they are so gracious towards the ex but let them know that constant stories make you feel bad. And also remind yourself that there’s a reason she’s an ex. She can be a great person, but not the right person for your fiance!
Post # 5
I’ve brought up the pictures with his mum and sister and they just say they like them and don’t want to take them down. My Fiance has spoken to them and told them not to tell me about the past but everytime I’m with them thy can’t help but talk about her. He split up with her because she cheated on him. That was another thing whn they did split up even though it was because SHE cheated they all went to comfort her NOT him. They have a little girl together and as he works long hours when it is my Fiance half of the week to have her I look after her (which I don’t mind) We told his ex about us getting married and she was really nasty about it and started using his little one against him yet his family just say ‘she was only joking’ and are very protective of her. I don’t have my family around so I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I just don’t know here I stand with his family. They say they love me and I’m family but then it feels like they would prefer to have her around
Post # 6
You can’t control whether or not they still have a relationship, especially if they were together for awhile (I definitely think they should make HIM a priority and not her, however). THey should have enough respect for you to ditch the photos though, that would really upset me. It’s one thing if they see her on their own time, but to constantly remind you about it, that sucks 🙁 I think your Fiance should talk to them, though, since it is his family. No matter how good your intentions are, anything you say might get misconstrued and cause more damage then you intend. Good luck, though!
If it makes you feel better, no matter how many times I’ve thrown away (yes, literally tossed them in the outside garbage bins) somehow pics from my first wedding somehow pop up in my dad’s garage, he DIGS them out of the trash…and not even because he liked the guy. Frankly, I don’t know why he does it. Some parents are just wierd. And FI’s parents don’t have any of his exes to compare me to, and they still just don’t like me…
Post # 7
I do think out of respect for you the pictures of the him and his ex wife should come down. However if they had family portraits at the wedding perhaps those can stay up.
As for her relationship with her, you can’t control it, be happy that you have a good relationship with them too, and don’t allow this to become a bone of contention.
Post # 8
Please Don’t let them control you…. I can totally empathise and understand what your going through I have a similar situation too – but one thing I have learnt is that by letting them see that they upset me or by Fiance saying anything to them or if he was to ask them to take down pictures (yes they still hang on the walls too!!) it would just confirm to them that it upsets us and they would continue the practise more – instead I adpoted the ‘parigdimatic’ approach and now when I visit I make a point to say something ‘nice’ about the picture like it is not even an issue…..
it is hard to do believe me on that one I will not lie to you, but you have to learn at some point to let it go and accept that his Ex will be a part of his families lives for as long as they make her it and that may be the rest of your lives.. you are the one that has to find a way to live with it and therefore coming to peace with it can help.
For us his Ex wife still trys to turn the family against him and me with things she will say and do – but we pay her no attention and NEVER get into a discussion with her or the family about nasty things she says or does, instead we let our actions speak for themselves with them all and over a period of time they have come to realise for themselvs who was ‘making waves’!!!
I really hope you are able to find your ‘peace’ with this situation soon…
Post # 9
My ex’s parents were never close to his ex, but he was with her since he was 14, so they knew if for a long time. She’s also the mother of their grandchildren, so they still see her. Anyway, at one point they had this family tree style picture frame in their living room. (It’s a silver tree where little pictures hang from the branches.) The only wedding picture left from FI’s first marriage was on the bottom branch. I waited a few months, but when it was still there, I turned to Fiance and asked if I could throw it away. he laughed at me and said “yes.” so I took it out of the frame and tore it up and threw it away. No one ever said anything, but the frame disappeared shortly thereafter.
My sister had a worse experience. She went to visit her future in-laws and there was an 11 x 14 portrait of her Fiance with is ex on the fridge from their wedding. She was so angry, she left. She had countless texts, phone calls and e-mails with her new future in laws about how upset she felt seeing that picture, and hwo their reaction made her feel even worse. (Apparently they told her how much they loved her FI’s ex and hwo that day was so speical to them and they love the pictures and on and on and on) anyway… the next time she went over, it was STILL on the fridge. Like, seriously? They couldnt’ even put it away for her visit? She traveled 5 states to see them! So she took it off the fridge, ripped it up, and threw it away. They were SO angry, but they got over it.
Moral of the story: Be proactive. If they want to be inconsiderate to you, then be inconsiderate to them. Do the same thing to those pictures you would do if you found them in an old box in your FI’s stuff. Throw them away. They’ll get the picture then.
Post # 10
It may be because she is the mother of their granddaughter. They are always going to have an attachment to her because of that child, I am sure they are wise enough to know that a good relationship with her means a good one with their grandchild. I do think it is a little rude to keep photos up however I just recently got my exMIL to take down my old wedding photos on fb. It took both myself and my exhusband asking several times before she took them down. I don’t think it is right of them to bring her up when you are around, esp. since they know it makes you uncomfortable.
To me it sounds like they wish he would have worked it out with her(most likely for the child) and are having a hard time coming to terms with that. Not that they don’t like you and they seem to have accepted that you are with him now but maybe not fully accepted that she isn’t, if that makes any sense. Sadly as long as she is the mother of their grandchild then she will always be in the picture but the important thing is your Fiance not his family and he obviously chose you. If they aren’t even supportive of him then it doesn’t sound like a family I want to be a part of anyway.
Post # 11
Thankyou for all the kind words and support/advice. I know he is going to be in the picture and although I love the idea of just ripping the pictures up, it’s not something I would do. I guess I’ll just have to live with them and remind myself that it wa the past and it doesn’t affect how happy me and my Fiance are. I do hope that when me and him get married they do tak them down and put ours up ad they will have his little girl on so they will have no reason to keep them up. I can’t remember if she is on the other pictures as I don’t think she was born then. I know his ex is usually a nice person apart from what was said when we said we were getting married and she has said to me that I’m th best thing to happento him and his daughter (yes, this is from the ex) I think it will just be a matter of dealing with how close they are and as I said as long as our pictures go up and not next to the 1st marriage I will be happy. Otherwise I think I will just have to visit less. Thankyou to everyone xxx
Post # 12
@Taryella: how long have they been divorced? i find that odd that they still have wedding photos up. if they cared about their son’s feelings, they would have removed the pics. not to mention, your feelings about the pictures.
many years ago after i broke up from my first husband, i was going to my parent’s home for thanksgiving. my parents had a lot of wedding pics on the walls. before i got there, my brother went around their house and put a sticker on my ex’s face so that i didn’t have to see him. lol. i still chuckle about that to this day.
perhaps your fil’s can do that with the pics until you can replace them with your wedding pics.
i see your wedding date is still a ways away. i would get an engagement pic done and give a few to your fil’s to replace the outdated wedding pics.
Post # 13
I feel for you. I do agree that it’s different because they have a kid, but, really? Their wedding pictures are still up and they don’t want to take them down? They can’t stop talking about her around you? Ridiculous.
My FI’s mom and stepmom (and a lot of his friends) are still in contact with his ex. They weren’t married, but she cheated on him (and treated him like shit their entire relationship), so he broke up with her a few years ago. FI’s mom sent her a care package when she flew to visit the guy she cheated on him with. A year after they broke up, she met a guy, got pregnant, and they married. She ended up losing that baby and having another, and she sends FI’s mom pictures and cards and invitations to their parties! FI’s mom doesn’t put them on display (I have no idea what she did with the Christmas card I found on the table), and I know she didn’t go to the kid’s birthday party, but it’s possible that she sent a gift. FI’s stepmom still keeps in touch with the ex via Facebook. Stepmom went to give me a bunch of older pictures of Fiance a while back (putting them on a flash drive from her laptop at a wrestling meet while we were there) and ended up finding a few pictures of them together (or just her). I would prefer that they cut her out completely, because IMO, that’s only proper. It might be different if they had a kid, though (although keeping up wedding pictures is some bullshit).