(Closed) My FI doesn't want me to take his name :(

posted 5 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

On the upside, hyphenating is a pain in the ass. I hyphenated and it has caused serious problems with doctors, prescriptions, ticket reservations (plane, train etc) in foreign countries, credit card acceptances online….you get the idea.

I’m sorry you are upset about his reaction, though!

Post # 4
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Did he give you a reason as to why he doesn’t want you to take his last name?

Post # 5
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  Has he told you why he doesn’t want you to take his last name? I feel like there has to be more to the story than this…

Post # 7
Member
3947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Sapphire-Dreamer:   I don’t blame you for being insecure.  His uncertainty in these big matters (commitment matters) would also make me question how serious he is about the marriage. 

Wish I had better advice, but it is very odd.

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  Hmm. That is interesting. I really wish I had some good advice, but I don’t. I thought after hearing his reason a little lightbulb would go off in my head and I would have something fantastic to say 🙁

I guess the best thing you can do is explain to him why it is important for you to hypenate (which I’m sure you have already done…)

Post # 9
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  You guys sound us. We are keeping our last names. My fiance at first didn’t really care if I took his last name. AT ALL. (weird, right?)

 

I brought it up and he realized he really didn’t like his last name. He loves his brothers but his parents irritate him to no end, and months before we got engaged he was actually thinking about changing his last name. I don’t think I would have even entertained the idea of not changing my name if he had truly loved and been proud of his name.

 

I love my last name (or the way it sounds) but I kinda inherited it from an absent and not great dad, so I’d feel bad if he took mine. Plus, in Georgia men can’t even legally do that. Only women get the marriage change discount. Yay, for progress….

 

My fiance and I aren’t certain if we are having kids or want them yet. So try not to stress about that! It’s totally normal.

 

I guess, just search his heart? It sounds like he may just have issues with his dad, and if he does that makes sense as to why he would have apprehension towards having children.

I wouldn’t worry about hyphenation. Everyone in my family has different last names and we are very happy! He also may just not know the options regarding name changes, you guys can always create a new name together if you want. Or, just keep your last names,

 

Post # 10
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My Darling Husband didn’t want me to take his last name.  Honestly, it’s a horrible last name and I was happy to keep my own.  He might be doing it because he doesn’t think his name sounds good.  I dislike hyphenated names, and wonder what will happen to kids who already have hyphenated names when get they married. 

Post # 11
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  I think you need to get to the root of the issue and figure out WHY he doesn’t want you to take his name, take your name, or hyphenate. On such a personal issue like changing names, simply trying to convince him over and over again isn’t going to do much good. Maybe you can work with him and find a solution that works with his principles but gives you the result you’re after. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I kept my maiden name when I married the first time

Occasionally my Ex would say

“You (She) have (has) your (her) own name, because you (she) wasn’t good enough to be a ___ “

 

That message stuck with me.  Even if it was meant in gest.

Marriage is about sharing all that you have… and all that you are.  For ever and ever.

I would have serious considerations about a man who tells me he doesn’t want to share his name with me

(Not the same as my not wanting to take it as a choice)

But more on the level of my not wanting to share my name with him hyphenated… or his taking mine if it made more sense

Saying NO you cannot have it would bother me immensely.  I’d be prone to call that a RED FLAG

It would make me wonder if he really and truly was ALL IN in this relationship

Clearly my Ex wasn’t… hence but one more reason WHY he is an Ex

(( HUGS )) to you.

 

Post # 14
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I kept my name, Darling Husband offered to take my name too but I didn’t want him to, he has a rad last name I just didn’t want to change mine. I think the more serious issue here is him not knowing if he wants kids, you guys need to figure that out before getting married…

Post # 15
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Just to offer the perspective of the flip side. I have 2 friends who could not wait to get married and change their names because they had father issues. For them, they loathed their own last names because of those issues. If either of their partners had suggested hyphenating or taking the last names of my friends, both of my friends would have rejected the idea. Not because they didn’t want to share last names with their partners or rejected their partners in some subtle way, but because they had their own issues with their names.

 

Post # 16
Member
7230 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  My parents hyphenated. As in, dad took mom’s name, too. It’s sweet but I hated having a hyphenated name and flat out refuse to do it when I get married. 

I get why he doesn’t want to hyphenate (for the reasons others have stated) and I get why he would feel weird taking yours (not traditional/he may see it as emasculating). Since he has father issues, I can also kind of see why he doesn’t want you to take his name. Have you thought about combining names? Like LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (his last name was Villar and his wife’s was Raigosa), my cousin’s wife did that with her first husband. Or maybe you could both take his mother’s name? 

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