Post # 1
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
I know mostly it is bees saying they want to keep their own name and I do too….so…here is the situation.
I wanted to hyphenate both our names, like most Spanish people do. HisLastName-MyFather’sLastName.
That way we are both MUTUALLY taking each other’s last name.
My Fiance told me he wants us to keep our original names. He has no interest in me taking his name at all. A part of me is crushed. And the ish is that I don’t even like his last name that much as my name is much more Noble.
But I cannot help but be insulted on principle.
- You don’t want to take my last name
- You don’t want me to take your last name
- You don’t want to hyphenate.
I can’t help feeling regected. I am one sad sad bee.
I am going to try to convince him to hyphenate our last names on our marriage license but we never make the paper work offical.
Thoughts?
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
On the upside, hyphenating is a pain in the ass. I hyphenated and it has caused serious problems with doctors, prescriptions, ticket reservations (plane, train etc) in foreign countries, credit card acceptances online….you get the idea.
I’m sorry you are upset about his reaction, though!
Post # 4
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
Did he give you a reason as to why he doesn’t want you to take his last name?
Post # 5
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
@Sapphire-Dreamer: Has he told you why he doesn’t want you to take his last name? I feel like there has to be more to the story than this…
Post # 6
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
@arsing89: He says he has no connection to it (father-issues). Yet he wouldn’t take my last name (and it is a damn good last name). I would love to hyphenate cause our name would sound awesome and our kids would have the same name as us….
and to be honest on a totally irrelevent topic – he doesn’t know if he wants kids. I don’t know either but the fact that he doesn’t know if he wants kids and he doesn’t want to give me his last name brings up all sorts of insecurity in me. And I am NOT an insecure kind of gal!
Post # 7
Member
3947 posts
Honey bee
@Sapphire-Dreamer: I don’t blame you for being insecure. His uncertainty in these big matters (commitment matters) would also make me question how serious he is about the marriage.
Wish I had better advice, but it is very odd.
Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
@Sapphire-Dreamer: Hmm. That is interesting. I really wish I had some good advice, but I don’t. I thought after hearing his reason a little lightbulb would go off in my head and I would have something fantastic to say 🙁
I guess the best thing you can do is explain to him why it is important for you to hypenate (which I’m sure you have already done…)
Post # 9
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
@Sapphire-Dreamer: You guys sound us. We are keeping our last names. My fiance at first didn’t really care if I took his last name. AT ALL. (weird, right?)
I brought it up and he realized he really didn’t like his last name. He loves his brothers but his parents irritate him to no end, and months before we got engaged he was actually thinking about changing his last name. I don’t think I would have even entertained the idea of not changing my name if he had truly loved and been proud of his name.
I love my last name (or the way it sounds) but I kinda inherited it from an absent and not great dad, so I’d feel bad if he took mine. Plus, in Georgia men can’t even legally do that. Only women get the marriage change discount. Yay, for progress….
My fiance and I aren’t certain if we are having kids or want them yet. So try not to stress about that! It’s totally normal.
I guess, just search his heart? It sounds like he may just have issues with his dad, and if he does that makes sense as to why he would have apprehension towards having children.
I wouldn’t worry about hyphenation. Everyone in my family has different last names and we are very happy! He also may just not know the options regarding name changes, you guys can always create a new name together if you want. Or, just keep your last names,
Post # 10
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
My Darling Husband didn’t want me to take his last name. Honestly, it’s a horrible last name and I was happy to keep my own. He might be doing it because he doesn’t think his name sounds good. I dislike hyphenated names, and wonder what will happen to kids who already have hyphenated names when get they married.
Post # 11
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee
@Sapphire-Dreamer: I think you need to get to the root of the issue and figure out WHY he doesn’t want you to take his name, take your name, or hyphenate. On such a personal issue like changing names, simply trying to convince him over and over again isn’t going to do much good. Maybe you can work with him and find a solution that works with his principles but gives you the result you’re after. Good luck!
Post # 12
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I kept my maiden name when I married the first time
Occasionally my Ex would say
“You (She) have (has) your (her) own name, because you (she) wasn’t good enough to be a ___ “
That message stuck with me. Even if it was meant in gest.
Marriage is about sharing all that you have… and all that you are. For ever and ever.
I would have serious considerations about a man who tells me he doesn’t want to share his name with me
(Not the same as my not wanting to take it as a choice)
But more on the level of my not wanting to share my name with him hyphenated… or his taking mine if it made more sense
Saying NO you cannot have it would bother me immensely. I’d be prone to call that a RED FLAG
It would make me wonder if he really and truly was ALL IN in this relationship
Clearly my Ex wasn’t… hence but one more reason WHY he is an Ex
(( HUGS )) to you.
Post # 13
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
@MrsTVLover: I come from a whole line of Hyphenated names. I can tell you up til both my grandmother’s maiden names and my grandfather’s mother’s maiden name. Normally if you hyphenate (in my family) the father’s name lives on. My name is Firstname MiddleName FathersLastName-Motherslastname. When I get married I wanted to drop my mother’s last name (sorry ma) and have it be Husbandslastname-Fatherslastname.
Post # 14
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee
I kept my name, Darling Husband offered to take my name too but I didn’t want him to, he has a rad last name I just didn’t want to change mine. I think the more serious issue here is him not knowing if he wants kids, you guys need to figure that out before getting married…
Post # 15
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Just to offer the perspective of the flip side. I have 2 friends who could not wait to get married and change their names because they had father issues. For them, they loathed their own last names because of those issues. If either of their partners had suggested hyphenating or taking the last names of my friends, both of my friends would have rejected the idea. Not because they didn’t want to share last names with their partners or rejected their partners in some subtle way, but because they had their own issues with their names.
Post # 16
Member
7230 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@Sapphire-Dreamer: My parents hyphenated. As in, dad took mom’s name, too. It’s sweet but I hated having a hyphenated name and flat out refuse to do it when I get married.
I get why he doesn’t want to hyphenate (for the reasons others have stated) and I get why he would feel weird taking yours (not traditional/he may see it as emasculating). Since he has father issues, I can also kind of see why he doesn’t want you to take his name. Have you thought about combining names? Like LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (his last name was Villar and his wife’s was Raigosa), my cousin’s wife did that with her first husband. Or maybe you could both take his mother’s name?
