Post # 1
So my FI and I just got engaged this past weedend. Yay! We have been talking seriously about the idea of getting engaged for about 9 months now, so we have pretty much been engaged for a while, just not with the title/ ring.
We have already started talking wedding planning, and not exactly sure where to start things off, we decided that we should list our family and friends that we would like to invite, so we could have a better idea of setting a budget. We’ve already talked about wanting a small wedding, and only inviting very close friends and family.
After I listed all of my close friends and family (including dates for the single friends/ family members old enough to perhapps want to bring a date, as well as children of my friends), I came to a number of 22. Now, I know my FI comes from a larger extended family than myself, and he also has many more friends than I do, but he came to a number of 100. And while I was looking at his list, I noticed a few people he forgot to put down that I know he will also want there, so I have a feeling his list will grow slightly (110-115 people).
There are many people on the “family” side of his list that I know he isn’t close to.. we have been to several family events over the last couple years, and there are people on there that I have not been introduced to, as neither he nor they went up to one another to say hi and therefore I was never introduced. When I reminded him about us agreeing we wanted a small wedding, he told me that this would still be a small wedding, and that it wouldn’t be fair to invite half of his family, but not the other half.
I guess I just feel (in my personal opinion) that the bride and groom should be surrounded by just the closest of friends and family on their wedding day, not a bunch of people we call “family” because of blood, but that are really nothing more than strangers.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for with this post… perhapps some words of wisdom/ advice?
Post # 2
I don’t have advice but I can relate. FI invited about 70 friends. I have maybe 14.
Post # 3
testeo : I had a similar situation. My family list (nothing past first cousins, who are mostly younger than me.. so would be attending with their parents; my aunts and uncles) was 76. His was 12. He’s an only child and not close to his family. I’m extremely close to my family. It was creating huge problems with our budget because he wanted the traditional reception with a meal/cake/dance etc… we simply couldn’t afford to feed everyone once we added in friends etc to our list. What we did was look at what was most important to us. We agreed to only do things that would directly affect our marriage. Basically no reception, at least not right away. We will have one in a few months when we can afford to have the one we want. We had a small wedding – we gave our parents and closest friends six days notice. It was beautiful and perfect with 30 people there and just as memorable as it would have been with 150 people there. When you stop to ask yourself ‘how will this benefit or contribute to my marriage next year or ten years from now?’, you quickly realize what is most important to you. Then it’s easier to draw the line.
Post # 4
We wanted no more than 100 people so we each got to invite fifty. He had mostly friends; I had mostly family. Worked very well.
Post # 5
I’m in the same position as you. FI and I have been together for 5 years and there are a whole bunch of his family I’ve never met and that he doesn’t speak to.
We decided we’d rather have an awesome wedding (the way WE wanted) and only close people. We have 50 total. FI basically kept it to immediate family and a few close friends.
Let your FI have his guest list for now, and see how that fits into your budget- you’ll find he might want to make cuts after he sees how much of that budget disappears feeding people!
I also feel exactly the same in terms of closeness- I don’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding. Period. Have you communicated this to FI? Obviously there will be one or two people you haven’t met, but telling him about comfort levels etc might help him come round a bit more to the idea of having a smaller wedding.
Post # 7
I’m in the position of your FI; have a lot of my family and friends on the guestlist but very few on my FI’s side. Total people + partners expected comes to about 120 people and 90% of the guestlist is on my side. He has met most of the guestlist at least once but doesn’t know them well, so he sounds like he is in your position.
The majority are my close friends and family + extended family, but there are definitely some who are more courtesy invites/more my parents’ friends than anyone I am close to; just family politics really (and they are not the majority so not too big an issue), but no-one will be there who both of us don’t know. He has a bunch of extended family he has chosen not to invite just because he’s not too fond of them, so it’ll pretty much be just his direct family and some work colleagues.
So yeah, I’m a bit sad he doesn’t have more people he wants to invite, and feel bad that it’s a big-ish wedding because of me, but he has said he wants the people there I want to be there, and that means a lot to me. I understand your FI’s “can’t invite half without the other”, and honestly I do think this is true to some extent, at least with my family, so I can relate – especially if his family is quite close and not inviting half will burn a bunch of bridges.
One idea we heard from someone was to have a ceremony with a smaller guestlist (so your nearest and dearest), but then to celebrate afterwards with everyone else. So this might be a compromise you could run by your FI? We also did discuss eloping/a smaller wedding, but in the end there were just too many people I couldn’t imagine the day without, and my FI was fine with more people on my side so we’re going with that. Anyway, just a bit of insight from someone who’s on the other side. 🙂