(Closed) My FI is broken=hearted….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

smart idea to remove him from the wedding party maybe, but he needs to still feel loved/wanted/included, so I’d advise against NOT inviting him.

think of a task he can do day-of, and see how he responds to being asked. love is the answer… lots of kids go through the pot stage. unless there’s other issues involved (like crime, mental health instability, or harder drugs) he should turn out fine.

 

Post # 4
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I remember your post from before. He needs to know he is still family. Kids go through this stuff and it’s right to be disappointed without overreacting. Excluding him from the family will worsen the situation. Your fi being broken hearted is normal as long as he isn’t taking this personally. As in he has failed in some way. Men tend to look at their sons as extensions of themselves he needs to understand his son is not him. Kids do things that are stupid, their brains are not fully developed. Taking this personally and excluding the kid is the very worst thing you can do. He would be wise to seek the help of a professional to help his own feelings and maybe learn the best way to deal with his son.

Post # 5
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

is he just smoking weed?  i wouldn’t exactly say it’s the end of the world (he is young, BUT I know when i was in grade 8 there were kids doing it then)

I would start really trying to figure out HIS interests and things he wants to do in his life….and move him in that direction….

My Fiance was a chronic most of our relatinship and held down a great job, we bought a house, etc etc etc…..so weed is not necessarily the enemy…and i gotta say, since he quit his OCD is awful and is stunting a lot of things in our relationship…..there’s times when I want to say to him to start again, except the cost is HUGE…

so HOW is this 8th grader affording this habit?

Post # 6
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m confused…because I missed the 1st post…you cut him out of your wedding party because he smokes POT and he just graduated high school? I’m sorry but at this point he is an adult or is almost an adult. I don’t understand why you would punish him like a child–I could see if he was addicted to meth, heroin, or alcohol and could not be trusted to be sober or present for the ceremony. But a  kid in his late teens smoking pot? I see uninviting him to the wedding as a major overreaction and there may be some serious control issues here

@smc28 he’s not an 8th grader–he just graduated HIGH SCHOOL

Post # 8
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@speechgal44:  He is an adult, whether he is being coddled or not. I wouldn’t suggest enabling his behavior by paying his bills. However, I do not understand why you believe he would cause a scene at your wedding. 

I also question the logic of a doctor refusing to medicate his mental disorder unless he stops using pot. I worked at an outpatient rehab where adolescents were diagnosed and medicated–many times before they were willing to give up their drug use. Of course it is ideal to evaluate someone without any outside drugs in their system. But many times people with mental disorders self medicate with drugs and getting them the right medication is the first step in helping them find better coping mechanisms for their problems.

It sounds like he needs a psychiatrist who has experience working with troubled teenagers

Btw the chief treatment for ODD is family therapy–are either of his parents willing to go to counseling with him?

 

If he does indeed have ODD, it makes PERFECT sense why he is using something like pot to calm himself down. Btw ODD is often misdiagnosed as ADHD 

Post # 11
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s heartbreaking to be a parent of someone acting out and doing drugs. The most you can do is just be there for your fi. Maybe you could sit down with his son and talk about expectations regarding the wedding. I hope it all turns out ok.

Post # 13
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@sylvia.riggle:  THIS!!!!!!! and thanks for correcting me on the 8th grader thing…..

I think I would be looking into a different psychiatrist…ODD is very difficult to deal with but the combination of he right meds/therapy can help him try to control it…this is a mental health issue…he does not CHOOSE to be defiant…his brain is hard wired this way…

Not inviting him to your wedding because of the way he behaves due to his mental health issue makes me REALLY REALLY sad…..It would be like not inviting someone with autism because they may do something bizarre at your wedding…..it’s JUST NOT RIGHT…..

Post # 14
Member
2586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you would both DEEPLY regret not including him in the wedding.  If he chooses not to come, that becomes his issue to deal with…but not inviting him would be a mistake.

 

Also, just want to add, as a medical professional who works in rehab, refusing to prescribe a mood stabilizer because of marijuana use makes literally ZERO sense. Please get a second opinion on this.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@mandypop:  I was just thinking this!!!

 

@speechgal44: He’s self medicating, without the weed his behavioral and emotional issues would likely be a whole lot worse (and the urge to try other things greater as well). Get another opinion.

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