(Closed) My FI is clueless with holidays (venting it's my birthday)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I recommend sitting down and reading the love languages book. Sounds like you speak through gifts and he does not.

Post # 4
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jpalm13:  +1

You guys need to talk about what you expect out of your relationship and that book might actually help, but you need to read it together not jsut you read it and then tell him what you think, read with him and try to understand your languages together.

Post # 5
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you told him how much it would mean to you to get a card/have the gift wrapped?

My Darling Husband didn’t get me cards for the first few years of our relationship and it always upset me a bit. I finally talked to him about how much it would mean to me and so now he tries to remember. Cards were never that important/had much meaning to him so he never thought they’d have meaning for me.

When he does forget a card with a gift (we are still working on wrapping things and I am ok letting that one go), he usually says something like “I didn’t forget the card, it’s still coming.”

He also always wants me to tell him what I want, because that is how he has always done gifts. I think it lacks the fun and surprise, he’s of the mind it means you always get what you want. 

Anyway, happy birthday! Know that just because he doesn’t get a card, wrap the gift, or even think of the gift himself it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. He may just be wired differently when it comes to gifts/sentimental things.

Post # 6
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jpalm13:  +1.

My Fiance and I speak the same love language (physical touch) so surprise gift-giving, or lack thereof, never bothers either of us.  We made a pact a long time ago that we’ll shop together for holiday, birthday and anniversary gifts.  We’re both happy with this arrangement.  He does occasionally surprise me with flowers or I will him with a card but for the most part we’re really not into it.

The five love languages book is wonderful and enlightening.  Since receiving suprise gifts is important to you to feel loved you’ll need to communicate this to your Fiance.  He has his own love language, of course, that’s probably different from yours.  Ask him how he’d feel if you didn’t do the things for him that make him feel loved – to get the message across that your love language includes receiving surprise gifts for special occasions. 

This isn’t a right/wrong situation, it’s more about personal preferences and needs being met.

Post # 7
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Honestly, some guys just suck at giving gifts for two reasons, 1. They dont have a great imagination and the shear thought of buying a woman something without disappointing her is anxiety enough or 2. They are just not into it. One thing I’ve learned is some men need help. As you’re birthday is coming closer, maybe a month before, bring up that your brithday is coming up and you came up with 3 ideas or 3 things you’ve seen recently that have caught your eye and go from there. Also, if you both have iPhone set up a yearly appointment on your phone and send him a calendar invite so that it goes on his calendar. I do this with my fiance because one he works a lot and two he forgets EVERYONE’s birthday so it never bothers me when he forgets any dates. Fortunately, our birthday’s are very very similar. Im April 12, 1987 he is May 12, 1978. What im trying to say is give him a nudge a couple weeks before an event. One day out of the blue say, “Our anniversary this year was kind of boring, eh? Next year we should do something fun and go out and buy each other fancy gifts! It wouldnt hurt to give cards too! ” Guy’s are just not as excited about anniversaries and birthdays as we are. Its not in their DNA to be! lol Just cherish the love he gives you everyday. Cheers!

Post # 8
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smile

Post # 9
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

As much as it sucks to have to ask for things, sometimes you just have to say “Could you get me a birthday card this year? I’d really like that!”

It sounds like you appreciate gifts– you say you think your Fiance should just casually grab an extra charm while he’s getting your bracelet cleaned, which makes me think you’d like “just because” gifts, too.  From the sounds of it, your Fiance would never think to do that kind of thing.   5 love languages is a good way to explain that you like presents without seeming greedy.

Post # 10
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Tiffner:  not everyone (male and female included) are good with writing his/her emotions on paper. It seems like you have expectations for your birthday and he becomes stressed, it’s not being clueless when your expectations are high and he just wants to make sure you are happy. 

My partner takes 1 month (literally) to write me a card because he is so busy and writing his feelings does not come natural to him. That is our compromise. 

My advice, find a compromise. 

Post # 11
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know what you mean about the cards. I love a good card! My Darling Husband got me my wedding day present but never got me a card. I was a little bummed to not have had something to read. There was a joke too in the present that i never got until he explained it to me…he could have made reference to it in the card and I would have understood and laughed.

 

Hopefully this experience will be an eye opener for him and have a chat tomorrow once you feel a bit cooler.

Post # 12
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Darling Husband is the same way. His family has much more understated bdays and holidays than I’m used to, so the first few bdays of mine were a let down. (Fingers crossed two weeks from now) My family always has a Sunday dinner, presents, cards, etc etc.  Last year, for my bday, we were newly engaged, and he got me one of those boxes of stuff from The Office. The Michael Scott mug, really?! And a tshirt that said Spell Czech. How romantic. He “didn’t have time” to get me a wedding present. For Christmas he gave me a purse that I picked out. And an apron. AN APRON!!? He just really has no idea. But he always picks amazing cards and writes decent things. Haha.

 

**I made a pinterest board labeled “CHRISTMAS LIST FOR ME” and gave him my log in info. **

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Post # 13
Member
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

All I have to say is that OP you’re luckier than me. My Darling Husband doesn’t let me hint at what I want. So I never, ever get anything I want. If I mention how much I like something before Christmas or my birthday, it pretty much ensures that I won’t receive it as a gift because he wants to be “creative” or “think it up on his own.”

I seriously wish Darling Husband just let me give him a list- it would make it wayyyy better. I think gift giving is more about giving the receiver something they want.

Post # 14
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I understand both sides here, really.

I couldn’t care less about receiving a card, but to my husband, it’s the only thing that matters. He honest to god doesn’t care if there’s money it, he’s just thrilled he got a card. And you can be sure that for every holiday, even the little ones, I get my husband a card. But I only do this because he explicitly told me seven years ago that he loves cards. Have you told your Fiance that wraping paper and a card are important to you? I don’t mean hints, I mean using your communication skills and directly telling him what you need/want/like?

Second, we found the solution to never knowing what gift to get or it never being a surprise: An Amazon wish list! You can include things from any site on the wish list with just a quick click. That way, your Fiance will have a whole list to choose from and you’ll still be surprised because you don’t which gift he’s chosen– but you know it’s something you want.

Key here is just talking to him. We ladies really want our SOs to understand us and read our minds. We think we’re being so obvious, but really, our SOs are oblivious. We need to tell them what little things matter to us and make us happy. Once you tell him, he’ll do it. And that’s what matters.

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