Post # 1
So my FI is 6′ tall and 220lbs, we’re both trying to lose weight.
Here’s the problem: he doesn’t push himself AT ALL. He’s lazy at the gym.
We do cardio for 1/2 hour on ellipticals, and he never raises the resistance on his machine. He keeps the incline REALLY high – at 10 – but his resistance is on 1. After the 1/2 hour, he barely looks like he’s done anything at all. His heart rate only goes up to ~120-130.
So we started lifting weights now too. He’ll do it for about 10-15 mins, and then go back on the elliptical because he doesnt want to do anymore weights. We usually switch-off and share machines, and he never changes the weight on them. My “limit” right now, is 35 lbs. So that’s what I set it at. He doesn’t change it! 35lbs is waaaaayy too light for him. But he just doesn’t want to push himself.
We’ve had 6 sessions with 2 different trainers, and they’ve all kicked his butt (one time he even puked afterward) but he doesn’t take ANY of their advice. I’m getting SO furious!
Even when we use certain machines, he sits on them wrong. I try to help by telling him “suck in your stomach” “keep your back straight” and “keep your feet straight, and flat on the floor” and he doesn’t listen. I tell him, “I’m only trying to help you, so you don’t injure yourself!” and he blows me off and says “I’m fine.”
I’m tired of putting in all the effort. I’m tired of him not really trying. I leave the gym, my face is RED and dripping sweat. When he leaves? He’s sort-of out of breath, maybe, a little. But that’s it.
Then we get home, take showers, and I want to have sex. He’s too tired. REALLY? Fine. No sex. But then he spends 1/2 hour digging up the house trying to find an Amazon gift card he hasn’t redeemed yet. REALLY??? You’re too tired to have SEX but you’re more than willing to search through/lift boxes (we just moved)???
Sigh… Any suggestions?
Post # 3
@AquaGrey8962: I’m sorry that you’re unhappy. It sounds like the way he’s behaving is irritating you… how long have you been annoyed at him for?
Post # 5
@AquaGrey8962: As a wife of a very non-athletic or motivated DH I can say that the most important thing now is for him to be self driven and find something that he enjoys activity wise. While you may feel benefited by going to the gym he may not feel the same and to push him or criticize will only make the experience less desirable for him.
With all this in mind I might suggest finding an activity that both of you enjoy or at the very least he enjoys that you don’t mind tagging along. Perhaps hiking, riding bikes for longer periods of time, jogging together….anything.
I am addicted to high intensity training (Powerfit) and I play volleyball, neither of which my DH will even attempt. However, he enjoys walking and hiking (less intense than I’d like but we’ll take what we can get). I have to give a little to meet him where he is comfortable and happy.
PS I hear you on the sex thing, believe me. When he is in better shape he will feel physically better and yes he will likely be much more apt for sex. Mind, body, sex drive…they are all linked.
Post # 6
It sounds like losing weight and exercising is not something he *really* wants to do. Nagging him about this is not going to motivate him in a way that will get you what you want out of him.
I know a couple, who I adore and think are great people. But the guy is also way overweight and after they got married the gal would try to control his diet so that he would lose weight. So what did he do? He’d stash cookies and chips in his pickup truck, in the linen closet, in his cubicle storage at work.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s frustrating and it sucks. But you can’t change him. Any changing that he does has to come from him.
Post # 7
@Anise: I know… I try not to nag. I use “I feel…” statements a lot, so I’m not placing blame. I thought working out together would be fun. He could stand over me and say “Cmon! One more! You can do it!!” and I could do the same. Unforutnately… it’s not that way at all. I end up working out by myself and pushing myself, and he just bullsh*ts around on the elliptical.
Post # 8
@Treejewel19: He’s not really interested in any major physical activity. He doesn’t mind hiking, so we do it when we can, but other than that, he’s not into sports or anything.
He says he doesn’t mind the gym. I’ve asked him if he’s wanted to try spin classes or something, but again, he just doesn’t want to.
I have an extensive family history of type 2 diabetes, and heart disease. He’s seen a lot of what my dad has had to go through, and he knows I don’t want that in my life. I just wish he would make more of an effort.
I mean, I’m super lazy too! That’s how i got overweight in the first place! lol… it would’ve been nice if we could’ve been each others trainers, and pushed each other. but he doesnt push me. he doesn’t challange me. in any aspect of our relationship. I’m just realizing this now. sigh. that’s bad, isnt it? that’s really…really bad.
Post # 9
🙁 Have you brought this up with him? Not just the not-wanting-to-work-out, but the root problem?
Post # 10
@AquaGrey8962: Again, I hear you believe me. My DH and I were both very overweight and I went on a health kick in 2008 and lost 140 pounds….so I’m a smaller and different person than I was when we started dating.
The thing is you may have to lead by example. Again, don’t pressure him or push to hard. Getting physically fit and healthy has to be a personal decision. You can remain open and honest about your concerns but don’t beat him over the head with it. You do what you need to do and push yourself. If you are finding that the gym isn’t enough look into Powerfit/Crossfit where you are practically one on one and believe me they push you, hard!
When it comes to healthy eating which is a huge part of all of this simply do not buy the unhealthy stuff. My DH has changed his eating habits a little at a time because I frankly do not bring the bad stuff into the house. If he wants it he has to go buy it.
I totally understand the wanting to have someone to support you through this, the idea of doing it together. I too get frustrated when I am so dedicated and he is well couldn’t care less. I have seen minor changes and I will take those when I can get them. It may be slower at first for your DH but keep doing what YOU need to do for you and hopefully as an example he will follow along eventually.
Post # 11
It sounds like he doesn’t really care much about losing weight but is going along with you to try and show he’s making an effort. I guess you have to decide how important this is to you in a relationship. Can you be happy if he remains the current weight/lifestyle?
Post # 12
Since I met my FI, he has definitely lost some muscle and put on fat. He’s borderline overweight by BMI standards, and I’d say he’s a pretty average body type for a man, so BMI works fine in this case. Anyway, when I met him, he was a college student who played soccer, jogged, etc. Then he graduated and got a desk job to go with his engineering degree, and the changes happened.
I started by encouraging him gently, and he would do maybe a day or two of workouts, then stop. Now here’s the slightly deranged approach that worked for me: I freaked out on him one day, tears and all, about the statistics of male vs. female mortality, heart disease, the dangers of a sedentary lifestyle, the whole shebang. His family medical history is also not as great as mine. Now, I have a physiology degree, so he totally listens when I talk about these things. You have to be sure that you know what you’re talking about and be ready to back up your claims. Essentially, I made the point that I was pissed as hell that he was on track to die 10 years before I do and wasn’t doing anything about it. Then I asked him how he would feel if he could be 90% sure that he would someday watch me die of a stroke or heart attack and then have to live out a decade without me. That fixed the motivation problem.
Then, as soon as he started working out, I praised the hell out of him every other day about how great he was looking, how much better his clothes fit, etc.
Was it the most rational level-headed approach ever? Definitely not. But it worked.
Post # 13
@Taeyers: Oh I’ve done that before… I’ve shown him statistics and made him watch documentaries and the whole 9 yards.
I finally got him to go get his cholesterol levels checked. His doctor said they were slightly high, over by about 6 points. So the FI has taken that as “no big deal” and “that’ll be easy to fix.” I was furious. His relaxed “everythings fine” “nothing is a big deal” approach to life makes me so angry.
I have praised him before too, and he evens knows the benefits…. back about 2 years ago, we were heavily working out 5 days a week, and we had some the best sex EVER, because we were slimming down, and our energy was increasing. he still remembers it. so i tell him, “well, that’s what we’re trying to get back to. just keep that in your mind as motivation!”
Post # 14
90% of weight loss is diet anyway, unless you can burn Olympic-athlete levels of calories.
Post # 15
I would talk to him about the not being challenged thing, it sounds like you guys have gotten into a rut. Maybe you guys should try some forms of exercise that you’ve never done before like horseback riding. It doesn’t look like it, but riding a horse can really kick your butt. I like to think of sitting the canter as horse assisted crunches, the motion of the horse makes you exert more effort than you would doing a normal sit-up, and you don’t really get a choice about how much extra effort it is because it’s cope or fall off. It can also be exercise disguised as a really fun date if you can find a trail ride place near you.
Post # 16
@JLR1982: his job often has bowls of candy, boxes of cookies, etc around the office. and they do things like “taco tuesdays” and fun lunches. he indulges in ALL of these. I cook dinner for us every night, and i try to make him a healthy lunch to bring to work but… if there’s a burger truck coming to work that day, he throws out his home-brought lunch. 🙁