Post # 1
I have a bachelor’s already and a decent job. I wanted to “do more” with my life then I currenlty do so, before I met my Fiance, I started going back to school for nursing. I have bad credit and filed for chapter 13 bankruptcy before we met. We have been together for 14 months and engaged for 5. I told him within 3 hours on our first date of my bad credit history. I told him of my bankruptcy with in 2 months of us dating. I have no credit cards. The only debt I carry now is student loans and the bankruptcy payments that come out of each paycheck.
My Fiance asked me to marry him knowing all of this. He asked me this week how much my student loan debt is. I told him ($34,000.) He asked what I’ll owe by the time I’m done with nursing school. It will be close to $70,000. He FREAKED out. (He has no debt, but will be buying a house before we get married.) He is afraid he’ll be responsible to pay my loans back if I can’t. Or he’ll be stuck paying all the living expenses when we’re married because my $ will go to my student loan payment.
I’ve tried to put his mind at ease and tell him it will work out and I’ll make enough money to pay for my share of the household expenses and my student loan payment. That isn’t good enough. He wants hard numbers on paper. But I don’t know what I’ll make when I graduate or what payment plan I will have. Graduation is 3 years away at least (I’m going part time.)
Now it appears the only way to ease his mind is to quit school altogther. I’ve agreed to take a leave of absence from school spring semester. During this time we will be in our pre marital counseling classes and will talk about it. We will then decide if I will go back.
I just feel hurt and betrayed because he has known my financial situation since day one and now it’s a big deal. I feel I have to give up my career goals for marriage. I’m hurt and concerned. I’m convincing myself that I really don’t want to be a nurse now. But I think it’s how I’m coming to terms with quitting school. I don’t want to tell my family because I have already given up my own place to move back in with the parents until the wedding to save $ to pay for the wedding (I’m 32.) They think I’m giving up everything for him. They will never forgive him if they know I may quit school because he is stressed about the potential debt.
Advice? Thoughts? I just needed to put this on “paper” because it is bothering me.
Post # 3
I do not think you should give up on your life goals. I am sorry he is being so unsupportive. Maybe he was just having a reaction and will come around?
Your goals and your education are important to you, so they need to be important to him as well. Please do not quit school! Nursing is a good profession and you have the earning potential to make $70K in one year. My friend is doing it right now.
ETA: He needs to come around. If he doesn’t… that would be a deal breaker for me. Good luck dear bee!
Post # 4
I have about $40k in student loans also so I know how you feel but your Fiance should understand that you’re entering into a marriage together where you will share everything including your finances. He shouldn’t even be bringing up “you’re share” of the living expenses, this is a partnership. I would definately not quit going to school, you will make great money as a nurse and it is a great career. Your Fiance should be supportive of your goals and not make you feel bad for having them. I would definately talk to him about this and stress the importance of your goals and happiness. Maybe try put it into perspective like how much your monthly payment will be to put him at ease?
Post # 5
If he needs it “on paper” that just means he needs to visually see what you’ve already thought it. My dad is a lot like that. Just show me the numbers, he’ll say. As someone who will thankfully finish school with no debt with an SO that has about 50k, it is a little daunting knowing that will soon be “our debt.” But it’s from undergrad and some grad school, it was an investment in his future and ours. It might help to phrase it that way, showing that it’s an investment for the future. You will make more money in the long run, pay off the debt, and be more successful, than if you hadn’t gone to school at all.
Post # 6
I’m sorry, but that is kind of bullcrap.
When I finish grad school, I’ll be close to $85,000 in debt. My Fiance has none because his parents paid for his education. He has no trouble with this, in fact he plans on helping me out with the payments so that we can get them paid faster!
If he KNEW all about your finiancial situation before, then he needs to knock it off. Why should you give up your schooling and dreams because HE is afraid of YOUR debt?? You’ll pay it off eventually. And if worse comes to worse, file for a low income payment if you are unable to find a decent job once you finish but you’ll probably have no issue with that because there is always a need for nurses.
Talk with him and tell him that he is being unfair and I mean,you’re already in school, so why waste the money for taking the classes you’ve already taken and not finish? It makes no sense.
Stand your ground on this one and good luck!
Post # 7
I agree with cbee. You should not have to give up your career dreams and goals. The reason we go to school is to better ourselves for our future.. not for a five year plan!
Just out of curiousity.. are you planning to combine finances when you get married? You referred to you working this out after you graduate and your Fiance contributing to most of the bills? Does he still see your financial future as independent incomes where you will split bills from each income?
I definitely think you should meet with a financial advisor now and not wait until pre-marital counseling to figure this out. It sounds like your livelihood and the harmony of your family towards your Fiance could be affected by this now.. not in a few months when you start counseling.
Post # 8
I don’t think you should quit school and your dreams for him either. Your soon to be husband should be standing by you while you go for your dream, not making you give them up because he is suddenly scared of debt. Personally, I’d continue school and postpone the wedding if that is how he felt, but continue to live at home to just save as much as you can. Marriage takes a team, when he asked you to marry knowing you were in school, if it took him paying for household expenses while you take care of loans, that is the kind of teamwork he signed up for imo. He should have thought long and hard about this debt earlier,
Post # 9
It really depends on what loans you have, if they are fed they are based on your income depending what payment plan you sign up for. Do not quit school you will make more then enough as a nurse to pay of loans. He won’t be responable for paying back your loans if they are fed loans, if you die or are disabled or run into hardship they are either forgiving or put on hold(forgiving for everything but hardship I believe). Everyone has student loans, its one of the easiest and most flexable dept you could have, and they shouldn’t effect him in any way.
If he must see stuff on “paper”, go to the fafsa website, they have a project payment calulater. DOL(dept of labor) should be able to give you a projected medium income for your proposed field of study along with the projected job growth.
Hope that helps
Post # 10
And stopping school? That is a bad idea. That won’t make prior debt disappear for your Fiance and it won’t get you any closer to your career and the ability to pay those bills. Sign back up for spring classes this instant!
Post # 11
I wanted to add, I only know this because we were researching for Fiance, who is in the middle of a career change at the moment, but medical is booming right now and nursing is in high demand so that would be a awesome career move on your part. So stopping school would most likely not be a good idea..
Post # 13
Honestly, I don’t blame him for being concerned. He’s going from having no debt to marrying into $70k worth. I would be stressed about it too. You said yourself that you don’t know how much money you’ll be making after you graduate so you don’t know for sure that it will be a piece of cake to pay back. Then again, most college students are in the same boat that you are.
I don’t know if dropping out of school is the right move but I can see where he’s coming from with being concerned. $70k is a lot of money to have to pay back. I know people with around that much student loan debt and their monthly payment is equivalent to a mortgage. I can’t speak from experience since neither Darling Husband or I have any student loan debt but we have family and friends that do and it is very stressful on them and their families.
Post # 14
Oh, I have lots of thoughts about this one! First of all, a marriage is a partnership, where everything becomes the property of the other, including debt. He’s afraid of being ‘stuck’ covering all the living expenses? Poor baby…since that’s exactly how he’s acting, sorry to say. How about if the situation was reversed and it was you resenting HIS debt? Would you back out on him too?
Student loan debt will only ever go away once its paid off, so will he now not even want to deal with your current $34,000 too? What’s next? He won’t contribute to gas for your car or your car insurance or food? From what you’ve said, you aren’t just springing this on him recently, so what has changed? Have his parents gotten ahold of him and are asking him to reconsider the whole marriage to you since the time is getting closer?
My SIL has well over $120,000. in student loans, and in time, they will be paid. I never, for a minute, told my daughter to reconsider her marriage until it was paid off or paid down, but HIS Mother thought they should postpone for awhile so he could make bigger payments. It’s none of MY business or HERS. Did something like this happen to you too?
Post # 15
@ItWasntMe: i agree with this
Marriage is a partnership and just lik you would have helped him Im sure with his debt, I think its normal if a husband helps his wife with her debt.. Im not one who says ” Oh yea were married but you deal with ur issues alonee and ill deal with mine alone” A relationship is companionship and u should help each other as much as you can.
Second, You cant really write down a bunch of numbers that you arent sure of.. who knows what the future brings, he just has to trust and take your word for it. You said you will try to pay it off as much as you can and I thnk thats good enough.. Youll make it work out..
Post # 16
Well if he wants to buy a house before you get married then you will be marrying into his large debt. School is not a bad debt to have, especially if you know that you can afford to pay it every month and then some. A nursing degree is something that you want and is a good thing to have for a good paying job.
If he is so worried about it then maybe he should look into a starter home. A smaller and less expensive one. Until both things are paid off.
I think its stupid to quit school. Then you’ll have to pay this money back for nothing. That is a waste.