(Closed) My FI Said What??

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes. Absolutely. I’m thinking this definitely warrants further discussion before moving forward. Because, also, think of the kids! They’d never know their father, or they’d think that work was more important to him than them. PLUS, you don’t get a break, why should he? Suddenly I’m reminded of the song “Cats in the Cradle”.

Post # 4
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

seriously? If he gets home at 6 PM that seems like plenty of time to “help out”.  Where I live 6 PM is on the early side to get home from work!

I absolutely would not be willing to have kids if I felt like I was expected to feel like a single parent

Post # 5
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Hmmm……that would get me upset as well.  I know plenty of people in busy jobs who are still good parents in the time they’re there.

Post # 6
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Did he actually say he wouldn’t be willing to help? Because if he didn’t come out and say it, then I think you’re reading into that statement a bit. He said he won’t be around to help. Maybe he over generalized too much, but I would clarify that statement with him before getting too upset with him. My FI’s father was home maybe once a week when he was growing up do to his dad and his mom pretty much says she was like  a single mom because of it. But it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around, his job just pulled him away too much.

Post # 7
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would be SERIOUSLY alarmed by this comment.  It would make me question if I want to marry him or not.  I would not marry a man that has that stance.

What value would he place on your marriage if he’s clearly putting work before you and his potential children?

Post # 8
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Ditto what jennybirdy said!!!

Post # 10
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I want to side with you and say that’s heinous, but he’s setting (and has set) pretty clear expectations about his work schedule. So.. maybe you should find some kind of a compromise.

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh that would definitely bother me. Take it from someone that has been there. My boyfriend at the time and I got pregnant, and it was back in 2006. After Dakota was born, he did nothing, literally nothing, to help me. He wasn’t a workaholic, in fact the exact opposite. He didn’t like going to work, and chose to play video games rather than taking responsibility. So let’s just say that the relationship didn’t last. He shirked his responsibilities as a father, and it got worse after I left him. He has given her 2 boxes of diapers, and a box of hand me down clothes that he got from lord knows where. Being the fool that I was, I didn’t expect him to pay for anything, I just wanted him to have a meaningful relationship with Dakota. Well needless to say, we have a court date set up on the second of August because he failed to make his child support date. Now he is going to end up paying the maximum amount, and court costs on top of that.

Post # 13
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I would definitely discuss this with him.  He seems to want what used to be not unusual, to “have” children that he does not raise and have you raise them. 

Whether that’s okay with you depends on you.

I would not be willing to have children with a man like that.  But my feelings on having children are complicated and I have always know that I absolutely did not want to be a primary caretaker.  A woman who really wants children and wants to be primary caretaker might feel different.

Another thing to consider is that raising kids alone is a lot of work! 

Another another thing to consider is that the theoretical and practicle can be very different when it comes to kids.  A man gung ho about kids might suddenly withdraw when faced with the actual work while a man who thinks he’s going to be a weekend dad might fall desperately in love with his kids and reprioritize his whole life.

Another another another thing to consider is how badly does he want kids?  If he really wants kids but doesn’t expect to have to raise them… I’d put my foot down – no kids unless you commit to parenting them – IMO not unreasonable.

 

Post # 14
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

yeah that would upset me but as you said before you knew that was what you were getting into. His attitude doesn’t exactly scream that he wants to have kids at all. Are you sure he does? Fathers should be apart of their childrens life and they should WANT to, in fact they should need it. If he says he’s going to consider you a single mother I’d consider him in the dog house.

Post # 15
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Seriously? 6pm is too late to come home and be a father to his future children? I’d be pretty upset too, if that’s what he said.

I understand that he probably works a very fast-paced job, but I think the real question here is will you be okay with his job taking up all of his time once you have children? I agree with Janna, I think you need to discuss this with your FI more. The choice to have kids should be mutual, and to me that includes all childcare after the baby is born.

Post # 16
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe you should consider going to some pre-marital couseling. These are the type of topics they bring up and help you discuss in-depth before you get married. That way you have a really clear picture of both of your expectations.

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