(Closed) My FI told me he doesn't believe in marriage

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8983 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Kimbalina81:  What exactly does he mean, he “doesn’t believe” in marriage? That’s what I would want to know. I would probably be ok if he means something like “Our vows are sacred between the two of us. I’m going to keep them because they’re promises I’m making to you. It’s really not the government’s business either way, but because the formality is important to you, I’m happy to do it.” I would be less happy if he means something like “Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. I plan to keep my vows as long as I can, but once biology starts urging me to move on I’m probably going to listen.”

Post # 3
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

What doesn’t he belive in? The vows? The idea of marriage? That marriage means forever? This is very broad

Post # 5
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

WE cannot shed light on this, only HE can.

Okay, so rule #1 of choosing someone to be your partner the rest of your life: be on the same page. If one day he says he “doesn’t believe in marriage” and the next he proposes, you NEED to ask him what changed. You need to talk to him and get a feel for what he means by “not believing” in them. Does he not like the legal aspect? The public aspect? The lifelong committment? Get answers to those questions, and then figure out why he got engaged to you while feeling that way. Because if he is not 100% into your marriage, it will fail. 

Post # 6
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Still confused what exactly he doesn’t believe in.

Post # 7
Member
6952 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Kimbalina81:  So he basically doesn’t think marriage is necessary but asked you to marry him because he knew it was important to you? Honestly I don’t really see the problem. We all make compromises in our relationship. It’s not like he was dead set against marrying, just if it was up to him alone then you two would probably just stay together as is without the piece of paper. But he knew that marriage was a big deal to you so he compromised and is getting the piece of paper. I actually think that’s very sweet. He’s putting his feelings aside for the one he loves. The only way I’d have a problem with it is if he constantly threw it in your face to like hold it over you. 

Post # 8
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Kimbalina81:  I agree with the PP in that his statement is too broad for you to get yourself all worked up about it. I know someone who didn’t believe that the formal institution of marriage was necessary in order to be devoted and committed to her S.O. and so they made private vows to each other and never had a ceremony.

That’s a form of not believing in marriage that isn’t common, but isn’t bad. Your Fiance could be of that mindset where he feels like the ceremony isn’t what is required for devotion and if that’s what he’s saying, then let him go through with it for you and know that what he’s saying is that his love isn’t bound by institutional restrictions. If, however, he’s saying that he is supposed to be with as many people as possible and doesn’t believe in being monogamous, but will go through the motions, well that’s a different story altogether.

Post # 9
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

I agree with somethingbee. Only he can shed light on this.

 

Having said that, I do find that people make concessions and compromises all. the. time. in marriage and this sounds like one of them for you. Sounds like you two have already been living as man/wife. He knows that you want to be legally married in the eyes of the state, so, he’s going to marry you. Just like he pays taxes. Just like he washes dishes. Because sometimes things just have to get done. I know that I could find a gazillion other things to watch on TV other than football, but there my hubs sits, and if I want to be with him, I have to be with him.

Just my $0.02.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  NFLwidow. Reason: typo
Post # 10
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

 I am somewhat in the same boat I have recently started feeling like marriage isn’t the be all end all of relationships. I would be perfectly happy at this point just living together for the remainder of our days. Marriage doesn’t seem to mean as much as it used to  and walking away seems easier to do than in the past. We both come from multi marriage families so saying till death do us part isn’t always how it works out. 

We are getting formally married because my fiance would prefer it and I am kind of neutral so married it is. I am fully committed either way to him.  Maybe your fiance is in the same boat?maybe what he is saying is not as bad as it might seem?

Post # 11
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

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NFLwidow:  this is exactly how I look at it. We are not religious, not having kids, we already own a house together and have joint assets. We are on each others health care so really if we get married not much will change thher than an upgrade in my last name.

Post # 12
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

Can I say that you’re both saying silly things without really being fully committed to what the words mean, and still not offend you? If so, you can consider how your words, and his, can sound silly to an uninvolved listener.

What you say may seem silly to you because what he’s saying IS silly. The institution of marriage exists. Things happen with a license and ceremony, and things happen without those formalities.

After nearly 40 years, I feel different toward my husband as part of a marriage than I would feel if we were not married. How do I know that? Because there is an acknowledged, tangible, legal band between us that exists because of love first, then because of legal process. 

I actually have an acquaintance who has lived in a relationship for 27 years, pretending all during that time to be married, and is planning a lavish formal destination within several months.

WHY? “Something was missing”.

He is telling you, and you believe, that he loves you, and you love him. He is telling you that his committment to you is SO STRONG that he chooses to enter into a formal, legal agreement with you, even though he questions the need for doing so. 

If he throws it up to you that he didn’t “believe” in the legal concept every time you have a fight, you will both need to deal with the contradiction between his words, actions, and reactions. But keep it mind that a lot of men do that.

He’s showing you and telling you how he feels and what he wants and will do. If you have no reason to distrust him, what’s the problem?

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Profile Photo ann.reid.9277.
Post # 13
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

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sway0060:  

I can appreciate that.

We happen to be religious and our relationship would never have gotten off the ground if my hubs was a “I don’t believe in marriage” guy.

Theology aside, I can still recognize that not every family unit wants to receive legal recognition. I may disagree with their stance from a moral standpoint but I can understand their motivations from a legal/fiscal standpoint. Sometimes their situation drives me up the wall but, hey, c’est la vie.

😉

Post # 14
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t understand what he doesn’t believe in. You said:

he still wants to get married as a formality, to make it official, for the commitment, etc

Isn’t that what marriage is? A committment to be with each other for the rest of your lives? A legal contract stating you two are in a committed relationship?

Is it the wedding that he doesn’t believe in?

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