(Closed) My fiance and I are STRESSED about the wedding list – please help!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

Usually the bride’s family pays for the wedding, but exceptions aren’t unheard of. If they’re paying for it, they have a say over who they want to invite. 550 people seems insane in my eyes, but some people just know everybody in town! Remind your fiance that the day still includes YOU and HER getting MARRIED. It doesn’t really matter who’s watching and who isn’t. When she comes down that aisle I guarantee she’ll have eyes for only you. As far as finances go? If they wanna throw an all out bash and they’re willing to spend the money, they have every right to do it. 

Post # 4
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I see a couple of options:

1) You could have a smaller ceremony, and invite the other 450 people you don’t know to the reception only, so your parents will still be able to celebrate with them.

2) You could pay for the wedding yourselves, and then you only invite who you want.

3) Hire a planner to take care of the details. If you’re already spending $50,000 on the day, putting a couple thou towards a planner isn’t going to bust your budget.

4) ELOPE!

Post # 5
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If I were you, I’d pay for my own wedding and have the kind that my Fiance and I wanted instead of having to bow to parental pressure.  But, that’s just me.

Have what you can afford, even if it means just immediate family only with a JoP! 

 

Post # 6
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

The way I see it is that you’ll be spending the entire evening saying hello to all those people and never have a minute to actually enjoy your own wedding. Who would want that? Receptions go by so quickly that even with half the amount of guests you’d be meeting and greeting all night.

Don’t you want to eat and dance? Aren’t you looking forward to a few quiet minutes with her alone?

I honestly don’t get having to invite everyone you’ve ever known, even if you’ve lived in the same town your whole life. I agree that they can’t possibly be close personal friends with that many people.

If she’s that unhappy, I think this whole thing has to be revisited with some parameters set. If your parents don’t get their way, I’m assuming they’ll withdraw all their funds? Would you be able to pay for what you both want on your own?

Good luck with figuring this one out.

Post # 7
Member
3364 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I had a big problem with this! My mom is very well known in her business “world” and would like to invite MANY friends/collegaues/clients that have invited her and my dad to their weddings/events/etc. Just part of mom’s gig I guess! But we are paying for this ourselves so I am going to save a couple tables, since tables are only of 6/8 for her! Hopefully that will be enough for her to select a few people that she would REALLY like there!!

Its really hard, best of luck!!

Post # 8
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That sounds like an enormous amount of people. I understand where your fiance is coming from.

I’d say if there is absolutely no way to keep from having the gigantic wedding, that you should at least plan a couple smaller events where those closest to you can talk and congratulate you. Maybe have a larger/extended rehearsal dinner where family and very close friends are invited but no one else. Also, showers and bachelor/ette parties that are more fun/family/friends oriented.

If you’re not leaving for your honeymoon immediately, maybe have a morning after brunch with a smaller guest list. Anything so you can make the experience more intimate and centered around the both of you without causing offense to long time friends.

Post # 9
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree about having a small ceremony and large reception.  Or you could talk to your parents about a small private wedding the week before, and then a large reception.  Another thing to point out is you could have a small rehearsal dinner the night before, so you still get to enjoy the personal family time.

I totally understand how your fiancee feels, because a wedding that huge would not be what I want.  But I understand your parents too, and it’s nice that they want to throw you a fancy party and show you off to their friends.  At the end of the day, however, your wedding is about you and your fiancee, and I think it’s worth stepping on some toes to exchange vows and have a nice dinner in the environment she wants.  Do you think your parents would be open to a reception later?

Post # 10
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think a lot of couples in our generation are very uncomfortable with the idea of their wedding as their parents’s social event.  So I definitely think what your fiancee is feeling is not uncommon.  My parents are helping us out, but my fiance is totally uncomfortable with the idea of any sort of “social graces” type invitations being given out.   We would have refused the money and paid for the wedding 100% on our own if my parents’ contribution was contingent on inviting their guests.

What they want to throw is fine for a couple who is into it, but if you do not want your wedding to be an event hosted by them, you need to let them know and let them take the money off the table.

As others have mentioned, if everyone is invited, it becomes your responsibility to greet every guest.  It can make the event feel more awkward and less intimate, more about your parents’ friends and less about your love.  If your fiancee is not comfortable with that, I think you need to talk to your parents and thank them for the gracious offer of money, but tell them you will have a small wedding on your own instead.

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