(Closed) My fiancé and I cannot stop fighting when it comes to planning the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada

I don’t think you are crazy at all. We’re getting married in Septembee next year as I have been in fullplanning mode for a while. Ours is also a kind of destination wedding as we live in the UKoutr getting married in Canada where SO is from. My SO was a bit chilled about it all as well until he realised that venues, photographers etc gets booked up a year and sometimes more in advance. Calmly explain how you feel, that it’s a say for both of you and that’s why you want his input. 

Post # 4
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I think its importable to balance planning with life and fun!! For instance have a date night every once and awhile where the wedding doesn’t come up! YOu can both unwind and not think about the stress its causing. 

And all i can say is compromise if you dont have the same vision. 

Post # 5
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My Darling Husband also lacked a sense of urgency about wedding planning.  Once I explained to him that wedding stuff mostly books at least a year in advance that helped.  Try to light a fire under his ass.  Like I don’t want you to have to worry about this stuff while you’re recording an album and on tour, so let’s get the big stuff out of the way and then I’ll handle small details while you’re away.  Men don’t always get it so you have to spell it out for him.  And also like PP said, don’t talk wedding constantly.  I tried to limit it to one conversation per day.

Post # 6
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

a year out isnt too early to plan, esp if your fi is going to be away for a lot of time later

for a Destination Wedding you need to tell guests asap where they should be staying etc (in the right area etc) so they can get booking/save up money

you arent being a control freak at all

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You’re not being crazy.  Guys do not get this.  Vendors get booked a year in advance in a lot of places.  If you want to have your pick, you have to book early.  So, the next time you talk to him about this, you need to show him that vendors are booking (some will be booking for 2014 already) and that if you want your friends to come, you need to let them know the date, place, times etc. so they can plan.  I’m not usually a fan of Save-The-Date Cards, but in these cases they are really necessary.  His attitude is normal because he’s never done this before and he’s a guy.  

If he’s not going to be around next year, it’s even more of a reason to figure this out now.  Ask if he cares about food, decor, etc?  He may just be a “big picture” person- cares about over all feel, but the details just don’t matter.  If that’s true, you should ask him if you should just go ahead and plan and if there’s anything he would like input on.

You need to temper this with just having fun again and being in a relationship.  You’re in a relationship planning a wedding/party from accross the country.  Take time off, have date nights where you don’t discuss the wedding.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Fiance and I went through the same kind of thing. I was very VERY excited about planning. (Big surprise that most guys are not so excited). My Fiance was very excited to pick out the cake, I am guessing only because there was tasting and he loves cake. He was also excited to pick out our wedding rings. Other than that, he kinda gave no feedback. Everything I threw aganist the wall as a possibly option was met with a response “oh…that’s nice”  even when it came to the tux he is going to wear. I chose the color of his tie and vest for him and his groomsmen, again met with “Oh…very nice.”  It got old and we started arguing about it. I took his disinterest as not being excited to marry me, and maybe getting cold feet. We talked and it turns out that he doesn’t really care about colors, flowers, or anything like that. He just wants me to be there with him and for us to be married.   :-/    how sweet and yet kind of borng at once lol 

 

I don’t think you are obsessing at all. You are getting married in less thn a year. Often times things like caterers and photographers book everything years in advance. If nothing but those two things gets settled, it is a great accomplishment. Everything else you can kind of do at your leisure. Dress and suit/tux, music, flowers, desserts/cake. But at the heart of it, no matter what kind of wedding you are going for (traditional/non traditional) itis still your wedding day! As a woman it is a huge deal. It’s a beautiful day, that requires planning and lots of thought. These things don’t just throw themselves together-despite what our men think lol

I think you should just try a little bit at a time with him. Just maybe one decision every couple of weeks. Maybe he feels overwhelmed with decisions, or with the worry of cost of everything? Ease him into the wedding planning 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I also have been dealing with Fiance not being very motivated. Luckily, I have had 7 years to deal with his “wait until the last minute” attitude, so I don’t really fight him about it. He also does not have many opinions about the decisions I am making for the wedding…except for a few. So I figure I will run with what I have and take care of the rest (I am pretty use to it by now and don’t really mind). Sometimes I do wish he was a little more involved. I am getting married in december and gave him 3 things to take care of. Hotel, limo and wedding bands. So far he has handled NONE of them. Luckily, it is not a prime time for weddings and I have a friend with family in the limo business…I can always use her as a last resort. We will see how it goes! I don’t think what your experiencing is out of the norm, I have read a lot of posts about situations like this.

Post # 10
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Fiance is happy to attend meetings, and he has a few things he cares about. But flowers, photographer, center pieces? He could care less.  

As long as he helps when i ask and makes the effort i’m fine with it.  Its overwhelming.  Just make time to NOT think about the wedding lol. 

Post # 11
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I found it helped if we dedicated 2 conversations a week to wedding talk so that it wasnt too much for Darling Husband. 

So I we would set aside a couple hours on Sunday where we reviewed the options vs budget etc and made decisions. Then another day a week was when I got feedback on stuff going on or to ask questions. This was normally done over dinner during the week and wasnt as in depth. It was more like “Do you want a boutinniere” Then I would research options for the Sunday meeting.

I would also give him a timeline of when things are normally done so he can see that you are not too early and a list of stuff that is normally done (or make your own list since its unique) so he can see there is a lot to be done, especially if you want to be cost conscious.

Post # 12
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to sit down with him and try to figure out what his real issue is.  If he just truly thinks it’s too early, then explain that good vendors book up a year before, some earlier, get some back up from the internet if he doesn’t believe you.

I suspect though that it may one of two other things – a) he’s just not as into wedding plan as he thought he’d be, or b) the planning or money aspects really stress him out so he’s avoiding it.

Darling Husband had both of these issues, and it was a rude awakening.  What to me was possibly the most fun project ever was to him both boring and anxiety-producing.  I ended up doing most of the work and making most of the decisions, which, while lonely, was also a bit easier.  It was still the best day of his life and he loved every second of it, and every choice I made.

Post # 15
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

After exactly one month of fighting intensly about a guest list the size of Detroit, my father offered to send us on a honeymoon to the South Pacific if we kept the ceremony small…since all I really wanted was to get married while wearing a pretty dress, we had a deal. Everything after that was fun, and I’m not telling you to scrap the wedding of your dreams, or change anything at all, but sometimes people get stuck in an idea or a method of what they’re supposed to be doing when it fact there is no wrong or right way, as long as it works for the two of you…don’t be afraid to do things differently.

Post # 16
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe he’s not a “big picture” guy. Mine certainly isn’t and doesn’t want to be bombared with questions or color pallates and “personal” details either. He wants a marraige not a wedding so I respect that. Sometimes its best to only get input after you have vetted the options down to two or three. Ie flowers. Most men couldn’t care less as whether is peonies vs hydrenjas. So for my guy there were only two quesitons: Is there any colors that you hate and budget. Thats it. Obviously for major decisions: venues, photographer etc you will need more input, but if he’s a casual guy – rely on Bridesmaid or Best Man or the Bee for those decisions.

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