My fiancé broke off our engagement and now he asked me to marry him again

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
4840 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

lysl :  My advice would be to walk away and never look back.   Marriage is about holding on through thick and thin, keeping your word, and staying in contact no matter what.  He has shown he can’t offer that.  Find someone who can.  

Post # 17
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I probably have a slightly different experience from everyone else, and in general, I do agree with what everyone is saying…I just don’t always think it’s so black and white.

We weren’t engaged, but my boyfriend got scared and broke up with me after 7 years. I didn’t beg or manipulate him to stay, I let him go the best way that I knew how. He came back 10 months later and I still loved him, so accepted him back.

It wasn’t the same for a long time…exactly like you explained, my feelings felt muted. I just didn’t say that connected or that in love anymore and I couldn’t figure out why because it’s what I thought I wanted for all the time apart. I wrestled with the idea of ending things for good for a long time, but something kept me with him, I knew there was something special there that I shouldn’t let go.

I really didn’t know what to do, I was so distraught and I developped really bad debilitating anxiety. Even then, even after developing this very unhealthy “condition” for lack of a better word, I stayed and I really worked through everything (saw a therapist, etc.) And after about another 9-10 months of unhappiness, it slowly started disappearing. I should mention that I shared everything with him, he knew 100% how I was feeling and was 100% supportive. Slowly but surely, I got back to the old me, and the old us. We got engaged and are getting married in 6 months and things could not be better. We are way more communicative than we were before, and way more in sync than ever. Our friends basically tell us on a regular basis that they want to have something exactly like ours. If I had let go, I would probably still be looking for exactly what I have. The difference is that I was honest, and he wanted nothing more than to fix what he had broken and he showed me countless time that he would always be there for me. I would not have stayed if he was not like he was.

Post # 18
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There is absolutely no reason why you have to decide today whether to marry this guy or not.  My sense is, you *feel* like you have to make a decision right now.  That says a lot about your bf.

Take whatever time and space you need to decide whether you want this guy in your life or not.  He’s not in control unless you allow him to be.

I read once that there is a tiny little door on your heart and once it closes, that’s it.

Post # 19
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

I’ve gone through a similar situation in my last relationship, even got engaged – but I realized soon enough that it was not what he wanted. The level of trust between you and him has been broken and in your heard you know that what was there before is no longer there. Part of you does love him and does not want to hurt him, but by realizing what you need to do you’ll be helping yourself and him. His previous actions were one of someone that doesn’t want commitment with you and you have realized this.

Do not subject your heart to more pain, what @sassy411 said it’s true, once a door to your heart closes once, that’s it. I’m sorry to say that you’ll never be able to recapture what you had, as the trust is broken between both.

Post # 20
Member
7852 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I went through something similar with an ex. He didn’t actually break up with me, but he consistently just wasn’t really there for me. He would leave for a one week vacation with his bros and then end up staying out of town for two months or longer, with minimal communication to me and nothing but annoyance if I dared to ask when he was coming back. The final straw was when he missed my grandmother’s funeral.

I broke up with him after that and moved to another city. A few months later, he came crawling back, wrote me this long letter proposing marriage and detailing all the ways he would do better by me in the future, etc. But my heart was just numb. I really felt nothing for him anymore. I think it was a self preservation thing. Like your heart can only take so much pain from one person…after a point it just shuts down and even if that person truly does change, you just no longer have the capacity to love the person.

I remember he was passing through my new city once about six months after our breakup, and he stopped by for a visit. I will never forget the feeling I had when I saw him getting out of his car. It was a feeling of revulsion…I literally felt repelled. Like get away from me, I don’t want to see your face. 

Anyway, I think you’ve reached a similar place with your partner, and I would listen to it rather than forcing yourself to try and love him again and live happily ever after. It’s okay. It may be he really has changed, but even if that’s the case, it’s too late. Your heart has shut down. You’ll find someone else who won’t inflict this kind of pain on you, and you’ll never look back.

Post # 21
Member
11786 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Where did he run to, what did he do there? What changed his mind? Has he discussed any of this with you? 

While I am sure people can change on a dime like this, it isn’t probable. So that means it’s likely that his reaction to stress is to run away, betray you and abandon you in the process. 

I say betray because there is no way to know where the weakness will end when someone runs away when they are needed. Will he run away when you are pregnant, when your child is ill, leaving you scared and lonley with a sick LO to put first? 

To be unreachable when he did this is the big clue to me. He just left you hanging UNTIL HE WANTED TO. That’s not a grown up person who will take care of you and have your back. That’s a selfish child. Unless he can explain that, I would be very dubious. 

 

 

Post # 22
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

lysl :  My gut response is that it sounds like you need more time. It doesn’t necessarily mean that this relationship isn’t right, but having a fiance break off an engagement is a huge shock, even if there were issues in the relationship that were obvious to both of you. Your trust was violated and it’s going to take time for it to come back, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to be respectful of this. Since you were the one at the receiving end of the broken engagement, you should be allowed to decide when, if ever, it’s time to move forward again.

I am speaking from experience. Darling Husband and I have been married for 7 years and it was, by far, the best decision I’ve ever made. We have a very healthy relationship based on a solid foundation of shared values and love. But, we also survived a broken engagement and a cancelled wedding. It was for reasons that are very similar to what you describe. The stress in our lives was immense. His parents were doing everything in their power to stop us from getting married. The economy had just tanked and I was unemployed, along with almost my entire graduating college class, and this was a problem that my Darling Husband, then my Fiance, felt like he needed to fix, and couldn’t come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t in his power. We started fighting bitterly until he decided, one day, that he just couldn’t be engaged to me anymore. The call to the priest at our church to cancel our wedding was the hardest call I’d ever made. We took some time apart, got to the bottom of our issues (as you did with counseling), got back together, and eventually got re-engaged and married. But my trust took a long time to come back fully. I knew how bad things were, but the last thing I expected was for him to break our engagement. It felt like he gave up on us. The key is that he recognized that my trust was shattered, and he had to be very patient and supportive for it to come back. In that time, he showed his true colors as a caring, nurturing partner, and it helped me get clear on the fact that, even after all the drama, I wanted our relationship to work, and felt right in it.

I hope this helps, Bee. My heart really goes out to you because I am all too familiar with that feeling of having your trust broken. Take the time you need.

Post # 23
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

lysl :  the only ppl I’ve known where a guy hopped on a plane for a super short notice trip, it turned out the guy either went w another woman or went to meet someone to cheat with and did. I don’t know for sure if that’s your case or not, but I’d fully get to the bottom of it if I were you and if I considered staying w him. It sounds like either he isn’t ready or he was cheating and decided he prefers you.

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