(Closed) My fiancé cheated on me with escorts. Crushed and heartbroken.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m really not sure how you’ll ever be able to trust him again. In my eyes, he will forever be this person who willingly went and paid hookers to have sex with him. I would NOTTT want the father of my children to be a man that does this. No, no, no. I can’t even imagine allowing this guy to touch me again. I’d just be disgusted, hurt, and pissed. Over time, I think I would resent the person more and more, and I would probably continue to bring it up in arguments for the rest of our lives, and I am generally a forget and move on type of person. But not this. Like I said, I would NEVER EVER be able to trust him again. 

Post # 92
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I am sorry for the horrible pain you are going through! Sadly this is a familiar story to me. I know you feel like you should not tell your family until you think the relationship is over but secrets don’t stay secret forever. Kind of like his. Eventually you need the ones you love most to help you through this and yes there will be judgement, anger, sadness, and regret. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed for. You are perfect(or perfectly imperfect) just the way you are. Everyone knows this and they can help you through this regardless of your decision.

I know it is hard to imagine a life without your best friend and I am sure your heart feels like it has been ripped through your chest right now. Please take the advice and spend a few days apart with zero contact to your fiance. The texting, phone calls and begging will only cloud your thoughts.

What has happened will forever change your realtionship with fiance. He made the choices that took him down his path and believe me that is a internally long, thoughtful car drive he had to take to meet with the prostitute. He had a million chances to make the right dicision and he chose the one that will never keep you guys whole or together. Instead he kept his dark secret and then climbed back in bed to cuddle with you and act completly “normal”. That is very disturbing on many levels.

There is a way to truly forgive your loved one and put that chapter in the past but that does not mean you two get to do that together. It is perfectly fine to let this relationship go even if you feel like you are the only one giving up. He will beg, cry, “change”, and go to extravagant lengths to keep you with him. That is not trying to save a relationship. That is a sad desparate plea from a guy that is losing everything he already already gambled away a long tim ago.

A solid relationship is like a garden. You plant trust, acceptence, love, respect, ect. together and each person has a role to play to keep you garden growing and alive. Not all gardens are perfect and no two are the same but every relationship requires the same amount of hard work from both parties. He killed his part of the garden and you can’t bring the dead back to life. You  also can’t keep the relationship together by compensating for in his lack of trust, acceptence, love and respect he put towards. He needs to start new and work on himself without you. He cannot undo what he is has done and hopefully what he has done to you he will not do to the next person he is with. Just like you will grow into a stronger person and find a a equally strong loving person to be with who loves everything that you are and will grow with you.

I know you need all the love and prayers right now and I hope your counseling helps you heal on your road to recovery. You also need to let those around you in so you can grieve and not do it alone. There are many women who have been where you are now and they can speak to how much joy they have in their lives now that they are free and away from men like your fiance.

Only you can make the right choice so please find a way to clear your head and do some serious soul searching. You are a strong woman and I know you will do what is best for you. *HUGS*

Post # 93
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Casa Feliz

I’d leave if I were you. There is no way in hell I’d be able to live with that and still be happy with my husband.

Post # 94
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in the leave him camp. IreneGoodnight put it so eloquently. It is not about giving up in your case, and yes, he WILL beg you, he WILL cry and scream and you WILL feel like you just want to go back. But he made a very concious decision to pay someone else for sex on more than one occasion. That is not the same as a drunken one night accidental kiss. Which in itself is still not right but is a very different situation to this one.

He made a concious decision not to be the man you agreed to marry, and you DESERVE someone who wants to be with you and ONLY you and will fight for that until the end, not someone who wants you when it’s ok, but when it’s not, sneaks off to prostitutes and climbs back in bed with you after and keeps it a dark secret…

You need to make the decision in your own time, but from your responses so far it seems like you know what you need to do and just need the time and the courage to do it

Post # 97
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

weddingmaven:  Oh yes definitely. She can.  

If I were faced with this situation I would walk away and work through that pain and ‘forgive’ on my own.  When you make the conscious decision to seek out and pay for sex, I don’t think you’re making a mistake that you can recover from as a couple.

Post # 98
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

HOLD UP!  He didn’t “cheat”.  He paid for sex.  He could have been robbed, killed, or arrested.  So, for a little piece of paid +ss he was willing to have any of those things happen to him??  If you don’t leave becuase of the cheating then you need to leave because he is risking your reputation, money, home (when the pimp follows him), etc…

Post # 99
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hope you’re holding up ok? 

Post # 100
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Brokenheartedbee1234:  If you have cheated before ( even if not on him) and can separate the sex from emotions then I dont see your problem ( other than fear of STI)

Make up and go on.

To myself personally I can not separate sex and emotion and I have not cheated nor will tolerate to be cheated upon ( cheating to me would extend to hugging and kissing another woman in a sexual way).

 

But do not be pushed into drastic measures if your view of sex/relationship is different. I know you feel betrayed but you yourself have not always been faithful? Dont be too harsh. It will heal.

Post # 101
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with most of the advice you’ve been given. Incredible, wise, kind, generous advice.

I just wanted to address something that keeps coming up in your posts: a fear that you have a pessimistic view of love, and that your pessimism has somehow “infected” your SO. It would be so easy to gloss over this statement in light of your SO’s infidelity. But I think this fear of yours is incredibly revealing. It is a major red flag in a sea of otherwise rational thinking. To me, that points to a girl who believes she is fundamentally broken. That she is potentially toxic, to the point that the people around her might “catch” her brokenness. You need to get yourself to a therapist ASAP to work through this, because here’s the deal:

First of all, your view that love is conditional isn’t pessimistic. It is realistic and wise. I believe there was a thread about this very topic on the Bee and 99% of the respondants purported that, of course there are conditions to love, particularly romantic love. Conditions allow us to take care of ourselves and share our needs, which actually allows us to get closer to our partners. That is a not a negative outlook, it is a mature one (and clearly less toxic than whatever outlook your SO is operating under, since his belief system led him to cheat on you with prostitutes, while yours led you work towards building a healthy, honest, loving relationship).    

Second of all, even if you ARE pessimistic, if your SO is so weak-willed that he “catches” your negativity–and that negativity causes him to cheat on you (!), then frankly he needs to spend some time as a single man, building up his worldview so that it doesn’t topple like a house of cards when confronted with someone who doesn’t quite share his beliefs.

Thirdly, do you truly believe that staying with your SO is an act of love? Because from an outside perspective, what your SO needs right now is consequences. He needs to see that his behavior is unacceptable. He needs to face himself at his ugliest and zero in on what part of himself allowed him to construct this elaborate fantasy relationship with you. Yes, your relationship with him was a fantasy because it was built on lies and shame. Whatever he says about being able to separate sex from emotions is complete bullshit, because the main issue isn’t whether he was emotionally attached to these women, the main issue is that he was so emotionally DETACHED from you.

The fact that things were so “good” in your relationship is actually the most upsetting part of your story because he is THAT good at lying to you. Not just about the prostitutes, but about the fact that he was so deeply unhappy with your relationship, with his life, with himself, that he paid women to have sex with him and then kept it a secret from you. He is being controlled by shame and he will never be able to have a healthy relationship (even an open relationship in which it is mutually agreed that sex with prostitutes is a-ok!) until he works through those deeply ingrained layers of shame. 

The best thing you could do for him right now is to break up with him. 

Finally and most importantly, do you feel deserving and worthy of love? Do you feel worthy of being treated with respect and care and honesty? A truly optimistic man who truly believed in the power of love would not crumble at the sight of someone who hesitates. You wouldn’t have that much power over him, and that would be a good thing. He would sweep you up in a whirlwind of love so honest and true that you would know at your core that you were whole, and loved, and perfect as you are, cynicism and all. That man is out there for you. That man is not your SO.

Post # 102
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

Hear me and hear me well.

 

If you DONT leave, you will be getting a divorce from John. Hopefully, it won’t be after you already had children and would have to explain to them why your family is now broken apart and you are now a single mother.

Trust me, this is exactly what will happen.

Post # 103
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

And why does it matter that he never ‘meant’ to hurt you.  This simply means that he never meant for you to find out. It is irrelevant. The fact is, he did what he did over a period of time and he had sex intentionally with other women. Strange escorts? Yuck!

Post # 104
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

 

OP, I’m not sure if you’re still reading these posts or not but I hope you’re doing ok. 

I tend to believe that all relationships have rocky moments. Mistakes happen, we’re all human etc etc. If two people love each other, I do believe it’s possible to overcome many obstacles. However, I don’t think this is one of them. I just don’t see how you can get past something this awful and I think it’s better for both of you to cut your losses and move on. Good luck. 

Post # 105
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

I just read a story on someone from HONY this morning… it was a woman who found a woman’s number in his jacket pocket after work. she made the decision to stay. she knew this activity was going on and decided it was best for her children to look the other way. later on in life, her husband fell ill for a year before seeing a doctor. turns out, he had AIDS. Don’t let this be you. Please. You are worth more than that.

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