Post # 1
Ok…i am pretty much crushed…found out a week ago that my fiance has cheated on my in the past three weeks….five months before our wedding. He denied at first but finally sat down and had a heart to heart. We have been going through a lot of stress lately…wedding stuff, he lost his job, bills adding up like crazy,etc…obviously we have been fighting a lot over silly things. He has done nothing but sit and cry over all of this. He said he was so stressed and worreied about not having a job to support us…pay bills etc…then he said he realized that he was getting ready to commit to one person for the rest of his life and he freaked. His little fling lasted three weeks. I am devestated….moreover I love this man more than you can imagine. He knows he was a shitty bastard and is miserable (as he should be). I have called off all wedding plans but I am wondering if there is any way we can salvage this. i know in my heart that he does love me….i told him we cannot be together right now because he has disrespected me and betrayed me. I told him to take some time to really think about his life and what he really wants. Am I too nice? Should i just pack it up and move on? People tell me that but it is sooo much harder to just give up on 4 years so quickly. I just dont know what to do. Obviously he needs to do a great deal of growing up-but can there be second chances?????
Post # 3
I agree with everything that you told him. But if you do decided to get back together, maybe you should to premarriage counseling. My Fiance and I are considering it, we bicker like anyother couple but both of our parents constintaly fight and i don’t want to end up like that.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2021 - Our home and the two acres it sits on
First – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs.
There are always second chances, and people do make mistakes. That being said. only you can decide what’s right and worth your time… and I’d recommend you see a therapist to work through that. Seriously. I love my girlfriends and my family, but they live in my life and thus have opinions from their own perspective. My therapist only sees my perspective, so the support is for me and my thought process. Please. If you don’t know how to find one, try your Employee Assistance Program. If you don’t have one, ask a friend who does to give you a list of the counselors recommended by theirs. If you don’t want to do that, PM me with your zip code and I’ll pull a list from mine. You don’t want meds, you want help sorting out your thoughts and finding a way to a decision with which you’re comfortable.
I think you’re a smart woman and you’re doing the right things – asking for time, making your needs and expectations clear, looking beyond the hurt. You’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t know if you and he will end up together, but you’re in an honest position where it might be possible to come through this stronger, figuring out ways to be closer when things get tough rather than looking to someone else for a quick high. Or not, I don’t know.
Pm if you just want to chat with someone who doesn’t already have opinions. 🙂
Post # 5
I am so sorry to hear that! I would be so crushed too so here is what I can give you ((HUGS))!!
If you choose to make this work, I would suggest counseling to get your two through this. It will be especially difficult for you to "forget" this in order to move on so assistance with this may work.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. But remember you will get through this whether you are with him or not! You deserve the best life gives you!!
Post # 6
I completely agree with Mrs. Cheese. We all have different capacities for forgiveness and if you choose to stay with him and actively (couseling!) work through this there is no shame in that. There are no rules here. There is only what you want.
Counseling is an amazing way to learn more about yourself. I suggest you find someone for yourself and if you choose to stay with him, someone for couples counseling. I know a few married couples* who have worked through cheating. People make mistakes and it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth working through this.
*I know you aren’t married yet, but 4 years is a long time. And if you are anything like me, you probably consider yourself married already. The wedding is just a formality.
You are already thinking clearly so stay on course and you’ll make the right decision for you. God Bless.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry to read this. (((Hugs))) and hang in there!
I know there are many people who believe that a marriage/relationship can survive infidelity…but it requires a lot of work (and definitely counseling). I have to say that it’s easier for me to imagine that after 12 years of marriage than when you’re just starting out. But I think the most important thing is to recognize that the reason he cheated probably has little to do with how he feels about you, and a lot to do with his ability to handle life’s challenges. The fact that he feels awful right now doesn’t change the fact that his response to high stress was to *cheat* on you! I do understand the impulse to separate your love for a person from their actions, but there are times when a person’s actions matter more than their emotions. I dated a compulsive liar once. I kept making excuses for him, until I realized that it wasn’t about whether he loved me (he did), but about whether his actions toward me were loving (they weren’t). And I deserved, and you definitely deserve, better than that.
My Maid/Matron of Honor was dating a guy who was very distant and kind of callous (and a year and a half later she found out he had been cheating on her). But at the time she kept making excuses for him, "He’s stressed, he’s really busy, he’s depressed about xxxx." My thing was that they were hardly facing any challenges in their relationship. Do you really want someone who responds to stress like that? What happens if you have a child with an illness…or even, what happens when you have a child and all of a sudden it’s not all about him and his stress? My point is that its not just a growth, he has to change the way he interacts with the world and stop letting external thing be an excuse for his behavior. Stress happens to everyone…but that does not in any way excuse what he did to you.
I don’t want to be definitive about what to do, b/c obviously this is very personal and I only know a few details. But please don’t just make excuses for him. Be honest with yourself about what you need out of your partner in life…and whether he’s capable of providing it.
Post # 8
First, I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders, and for that, I commend you.
No one is going to be able to tell you what decision to ultimately make. I really don’t know what I would do if I were in your situation. Part of it, for me, would depend on the nature of the cheating (was it physical, emotional, did they sleep together) and the reasons. While he has no excuse for what he did, he at least has an explanation (other than I was bored). While I love my Fiance more than anything and we have been together for 8 years (so it would feel like a divorce) I am not sure that I could ever forgive or forget such a major betrayal like that. Then again, if I ever made a mistake like that, I would be desperate for forgiveness.
I could not agree more with Mrs. Cheese’s suggestions. Chin up and be strong.
Post # 9
So Sorry. (Hugs).
Some good advice so far. Not much to add. (I do believe second chances are possible, but be very careful. And take it slow. -Sounds like you are though. You have a good head on your shoulders:) )
Post # 10
One thing I forgot to mention…this was not a one timet hing. It was a three week fling! I feel like that makes things different. It ws not a momentary lapse but an ongoing decision.
Again, I’m so sorry to hear this. And I want you do make the decision that’s right for you…but maybe it’s helpful to hear other’s more objective take on what’s going on.
Hang in there…we’re all thinking of you.
Post # 11
On one end you love him more than anything- on the other he cheated and did something that could’ve been avoided, didn’t have to happen, and is unforgiveable.
The excuse that he is stressed with everything going on in your life is no excuse. Letting him "get away" with it this time- "Gets him off the hook".. suggesting that he could get off again in the future. If you give him another chance, thinkign back to this time- she forgave me, she’ll forgive me this time…. When life gets tough and and he doesn’t know how to deal, you have to always always wonder if he will take that as his out- his release- his escape from it all… and what happens if you have children then, then it’s just not you- it’s all of you that he might choose to hurt, to take the chance of losing.
I know you love him with all your heart- and he may love you too- but honestly, him doing this shows you that he DOESN"T love you with all of his heart. ..and is that the type of man you want to be with, one that only loves you, but when stress and circumstance come around- that might change??
In my opinion, and experience having seen other being cheated on, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER!
Good Luck so much with everything hun, but make sure that the choice you make isn’t going to make things okay for now so you can get through the wedding and constantly be thinking about it for the rest of your life…
Post # 12
O my goodness, I’m so sorry this has happened, this has got to be so so hard for you, before you do anything, go to counseling by yourself, than with him, I’m actually very happy to hear you are willing to work on forgiving him and moving through this. Take your time, your going to need a lot of it, don’t let anyone push you to move quickly through this healing process, you need to build up the trust you had with him, and he’s going to have to really step up and be willing to follow the "rules" for lack of a better word, that you set to make yourself feel you can trust him. I’ll be praying for you, this is a tough time in your life right now, keep us updated, and feel free to pm me with any other prayer requests! Stay Strong!
Post # 13
I think at least you should go through counseling, separately and together. You need to make sure you can trust him again and that trust takes months and years to build.
We can’t ultimately make the decision for you and I’m glad most of the posters aren’t telling you an ultimate decision–because that’s yours to make!
You can cut your losses and move on, or you can go through some really tough experiences and come out with a healthy trusting relationship built on hard work and commitment.
Neither one is necessarily right or wrong. Hope you make the decision that’s best for you!
*big monstrous hive hugs!*
Post # 14
LauraLou, I just want to say that I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how hurt, embarrassed, and betrayed you must feel right now. Affairs are such a big thing because they are the ultimate rejection by the one person we thought would always want us. That being said, I have complete faith that you will come back from this. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to work through it.
Like Mrs. Cheese and other ops, I definitely think counseling is a must. Also, when you call to make an appointment, you should ask if the person is a "pro-marriage" counselor. Therapists who describe themselves as "pro-marriage" are more inclined to encourage the couple to stay together and work through their problems instead of suggesting divorce (or in your case, separation). Be aware that this is going to be a long process; a lot of relationships take a year or more in order to bounce back. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, though. Affairs happen, even to good people in good relationships.
My other suggestion is to pick up a couple books from the library or local bookstore. You can also get these books on tape, if you prefer to just listen. Both books are "pro-marriage" and really emphasize hope that you can work through the affair and rebuild a better relationship than what you once had. Lastly, we are all here for you. Any time you need to vent or cry or share your day, the hive is here to listen!
After the Affair: Healing the Painand Rebuilding Trust when a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrams Spring and Micheal Spring
Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart by Stephen Judah
Post # 15
First of all I’m SO sorry to hear that and join the rest of the hive in a group hug
As for the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing – I don’t necessarily believe this to be true. I’ll admit here that I cheated on an ex-boyfriend. We had been together 4 years and things were ugly, it was pretty much an emotionally abusive relationship, and the reason I cheated was basically because I didn’t know how to end the relationship. I wanted to get out but was too chicken to end it in a respectable way. He eventually found out and while we did stay together for a while after, it really destroyed the relationship and we ended up breaking up after another year or so.
With my FH, I feel completely different. I would never ever cheat on him. I would never want to hurt him like that because, I realize now, I love him much more deeply than I ever loved my ex. So, in your situation, while I do think that cheaters can be rehabilitated and learn from their mistakes, you need to get to the root of the problem – why he really cheated. I agree with the hive that counseling is a must here, and it will be telling how he handles the counseling – if he gets really involved and is making a real effort, or if he basically considers it a burden and obligation and doesn’t give much in your sessions. Pay close attention to that because his committment to the therapy will be a real indication of his commitment to you.
Post # 16
I agree with Mrs. Springs advice to pick up a book, I myself read After the Affair: Healing the Painand Rebuilding Trust when a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrams Spring and Micheal Spring, although I didn’t relate with some things in the book – there were certain chapters I could look at and be like "ahhhh" and have that likelight bulb go off. I read it because my fiance cheated on me while he was in university. we had been together over 4 years at that point and it was the most devestating point in my life. However we took our time, got some help and have been able to move on. Now were getting married in 3 months!
I never thought I would be that type of person to stay with someone who has devestated them so as I had the mentality that once a cheater always a cheater implys, but I just couldn’t not be with him. I have to say the first year or so was very tough, it was always in the back of my mind, and in most fights we had I would always bring that up, it was a definate upper hand I used on him all the time – which killed him and wasnt fair for our relationships recovery, but I have then since moved on and rarely ever think about it.
Its going to be hard, and a huge stepping stone in your realtionship but you need to figure out whats best for you in this time, not whats best for the both of you I think.
I am so sorry that had to happen. Its horrible but I feel you and were all here!