Post # 62
LauraLou – I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better. I can’t begin to understand/imagine how hard it is to lose that type of closeness w/your ex/fi..but know that there are many of us here that are more than glad to hear you out and listen to anything you have to say. *HUGS* again! You are such such SUCH a strong woman to have gone through all that you have!
Post # 63
wow, that’s a tough call. Hmm, for me cheating is pretty much a deal breaker. He consciously chose someone else over you, who’s to say it will not happen again. It sounds like you are making excuses for him, please don’t do that, life throws us all tough curveballs, it happens to the best of us you don’t see everyone cheating during stress.
If it were up to me I would take time out to think and give yourself some breathing space and understand exactly what you want; do you think can live with him, who cheated, it wasn’t like it was after 10 years, this was even before you have even gotten married; can you move past this; I think for most women, they will never ever be able to have the faith restored it is shattered forever. I have never been cheated on, that I know of, but my mother has and my brother has, it is nothing I would wish on anybody not even my worst enemy, so even if I haven’t experienced it my loved ones have and it is very very painful to witness much less experience, best wishes to you, lots of advice here, its a judgement call, sure, you love him, he loves you, it’s four years, but is this really what you want? a tarnished love to start a marriage ? but you deserve the best, you deserve someone who can remain faithful if that is what you want. If it’s after 10 20 years of marriage I can understand trying to salvage it, but this is someone not even married to you yet, hmmmmm, makes you think. Please don’t make excuses.
Update us, we’d like to know how things turn out. Good luck, and God bless.
Post # 64
Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. It is so hard to lose someone with whom you have had a longstanding history. But try to not make any long-term decisions now when you must be feeling so much pain, loss and sadness. Decisions made out of fear or nostalgia are usually the ones that we end up regretting. Take the time you will need to heal before making any decisions as to whether or not you should give this another chance.
Post # 65
My heart is breaking for you because me and my Fiance have been there. About 6 years ago I was engaged to the man of my dreams… my Fiance was engaged to someone else. I found out 6 months before the wedding that my ex-FI didn’t want to have kids any more. I was upset and confused because it was something we talked about and agreeded on. I post-poned all wedding plans to give me and him time to think about what it was that we wanted in life. After several months of crying, and talking etc. I finally decided to move on. At this same time my current Fiance found out that his ex-FI was cheating on him. He discovered emails between her and this guy she met on a cruise. He immediately packed his bags and moved out. Left the computer screen open so she knew why he left.
I’m telling you both of our stories because it is up to you how you react to the situation. Nobody but you can decide what or how to deal with this.
I am here to tell you though, that at the time myself and my current Fiance thought we would never get over the hurt of calling off a wedding or the hurt from that other person. But we met it each other and I thank GOD everyday that I didn’t marry the wrong person and that Stephen didn’t marry the wrong person. He is my bestfriend and the future father of my kids. I can’t tell you how much I’ve grown in the last 6 years and how I’m a better person.
I wish you the best of luck. Take a breather. Go grad dinner with your girlfriends or your family! You will figure out what is best for you in time!
Post # 66
You know I am not making excuses for him…what he did was totally unacceptable and I am not in any way making allowances for that type of behavior. I would NEVER do that to him so yes it is something that i am going to have to think long and hard about before coming to a decision. I am also well aware of the fact that many people have been cheated on and don’t even know it. I tend to be relentless about things and always find out the truth-sometimes the truth hurts. The future is a big thing to jump to any conclusions about so I am just taking it all day by day. I ask not that you judge me just that you listen…just talking about all of this you all of you is very cleansing. I am glad I found this board during my wedding planning…you guys are the best! We are sitting down tomorrow to discuss our feelings about where to go from here. I always thought that this situation would be a deal breaker…I am pretty much no nonsense when it comes to matters of the heart…but I have never been in this particular situation and it all becomes so much less black and white when it happens to you. I am still in shock over the tubal pregnancy part…that would have been our baby…I know that would complicate things more right now but in a way I feel so sad that it couldn’t happen. Sigh….sleep deprevation has taken over…must go to bed but thanks again to all of you for your kindness and compassion! This board has become a part of my support system and for that i am forever grateful!
Post # 67
personally i wouldnt say cheating is a deal breaker because every situation is different and although there should be no good reasons to cheat, there are often reasons that when standing at a emotional distance you can see why things have happened
i wish you luck in working it out – remember to put your long term happiness first
Post # 68
LauraLou, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard the last few weeks have been on you emotionally and I’m sure this is yet another big blow. I’m wishing you the best in figuring out what is best for you.
Post # 69
LauraLou – I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again -> You are an amazingly strong woman. You have been able to eloquently say how you’re feeling, what steps you’re taking to resolve your feelings and this situation all while dealing with this latest baby news. Whatever decisions you make is your decision so please ignore those that you feel are being judgemental – they are not in your shoes. *HUGS* again!
Post # 70
"…but I have never been in this particular situation and it all becomes so much less black and white when it happens to you."
So completely true, LauraLou. It easy to give advice and say, drop him, or kick her out of the wedding party, just ignore their comments,tell your mom you’re doing it your way. But the reality is if we’re the ones having the problem, the advice is much easier said than done. And many people would feel differently (than their own advice) in the same situations, if they haven’t gone through it.
Keep thinking it out. I know it will get better.
I’m so sorry about your pregnancy. (Hugs).
Post # 71
Lauralou, I am so sorry that on top of the stress and heartache of dealing with the cheating situation you also have to deal with the tubal pregnancy. It feels like too little to just say that life is unfair. You have been dealt some serious blows and my heart goes out to you.
Yet in spite of all this, you have remained clearheaded and strong. I am amazed with your ability to think through the nuances of this situation and write so clearly about your feelings. Please don’t let anyone on here or anywhere else make you feel bad for taking time and figuring out what’s best for you in a situation that is anything but black and white.
Post # 72
I know in one of your posts a few days ago you said that you were going to seek couples counseling. Did you go through with it? I hope that you are able to talk about your feelings, be open and honest with yourself and with eachother. Take some time and take care of yourself. We’re here (((HUGS)))
Post # 73
I’m sorry to hear for your loss and dealing with the cheating. You are so strong in keeping a clear mind. I agree with Tanya123 it’s easy to give an opinion and advise but ultimately the decisions is yours. If you read my post "How can I trust him again" I too had to deal with a difficult situation. My husband was talking to other girls behind my back, but I believe it didn’t get far as sleeping with them. Also we had an small argument where he pushed me. I wouldn’t say it’s hitting me but it’s more like pushing and shoving. Pretty much everyone had told me to leave him and move on. I decided to give it another chance. I believe strongly in marriage. My situation happened from December when he talked to the girls on the phone to February when he pushed me. In March I told my husband I was moving out. He reacted like he didn’t care, but the next day to now, he has completely changed. I admit that I still snoop on his call records, he has completely stopped talking to girls. And even now when he does stuff or go out, he lets me know everything. He has really shown me he changed and how much he is trying to save our marriage and my trust.
LauraLou hang in there…..times like these when it’s difficult, I tell myself in time things will get better and the answer will be there. Keep us posted on how the talk with your ex-fiance goes. Wish you the best and stay strong!
Post # 74
I am having a hard time today…even though we are talking and trying to work through this i seem to be able to do nothing but be sad…every song on the radio reminds me of him and i turn into a heap of tears and smeared mascara…this happened today at lunch as i was shopping at Maurices…retail therapy. We have shared so many special times and connected in a way that i have never felt in my 29 years on this earth. It is sooooo hard!!!!!
Post # 75
I think that you need to give yourself time to process… do things that you enjoy that you don’t do as much as a couple, whether it’s shopping (but set a limit!), fitness, reading trashy magazines, whatever. Then revisit it. That will also give him time to think about his actions. Then maybe you could look into the counseling that other posters have suggested. I am not sure how I feel about the once a cheater thing.. I hope that it isn’t true. But when you get to the level of marriage, I think more time and consideration has to be taken for decisions like this!
Best of luck! You have support here!
Post # 76
Oh, LaraLou, I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. You’ve been through a lot lately, so it’s understandable that you’d still be caught up in the grief and pain. Sometimes, when something really terrible happens and I am just having the worst day, I like to take a sick day from work. I go home, take a hot bath, and really let myself cry it out. Then I take a really long nap and just chill out the rest of the day (watching movies, watching tv, sitting on my back deck, etc…).
I think I sometimes feel like I have to hold on to the bad emotions and not let too much out at a time because I am trying to be strong. But if it’s bad enough that I can’t even function, letting myself just really cry and get it out helps a lot. Not only is it a huge stress reliever, but I get really exhausted and am able to just sleep for a little while and wake up with a clearer head. Holding everything in can be more toxic than we realize, sometimes.
I hope you have a better day, sweetie. We’re all thinking of you!