(Closed) my fiance cheated

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

LauraLou,

 You are a strong and sensible woman in a very tough situation.  Feeling sad and crappy is the most normal response you can have right now.  Hugs and more hugs to you. 

I have my own opinions about cheating and recognize that we all have the capacity to betray in this way, but that there are a lot of complex things that often hold us back from it- compassion, trust, commitment, these are important things and the foundation of marriage!  I say cheating is a dealbreaker for ME but that is my opinion. 

I broke off an engagement when I was cheated on (just 2 weeks before the wedding).  However, that crisis situation in finding I was cheated on helped reveal my underlying doubts and fears about the relationship, that the whirlwind of wedding planning had covered for a long time.  I realized I didn’t want to be with him.  Also, he cheated because he didn’t want to marry and didn’t know how else to deal with it.  I felt like a lot of commenters on here have posted to you- if the stress of unemployment and wedding planning is so much, how will your partner love and support you in difficult times?  In a healthy relationship we have to be able to alternate holding the other one up during difficulties, this takes a lot of self respect and confidence and it does sound like you possess that in spades but perhaps not your ex Fiance. I knew when this happened to me that I didn’t want to spend my life holding him up in all his depression and insecurity. 

My situation occurred nearly 4 years ago and I’m currently planning a wedding in October, which is a happy and actually easy experience (so different!).  Looking back, I can see how LONG the grieving process took me when my wedding was called off those years ago.  I was angry, I was sad, I missed him.  I sometimes slipped up and thought I’d get back together with him, which he really wanted to do.  It was immensely confusing.  When I was finally able to take the space from him, I was able to just finally FEEL all of my fear about what it meant to not have that long term relationship and then slowly start to rebuild my life.  I felt so much sadness, anger, jealousy, shock, all the stages of loss!  It was hard.  And it took a long time.

Therapy will help.  You need to work on YOU, in whatever way that helps.  Take a bath.  Go on a walk.  have some friends you can call on when you are in a rut.  You can’t change him.  You really can’t.  If he wants to change, in any way, he’s going to have to decide for himself and do the work.  It is so hard for people to change. 

Find some space for yourself to grieve and have some independence.  Within that space, I think you’ll somehow find your bliss. 

Good luck.  You are loved on here and you are perfect just how you are.  Don’t forget that. 

Post # 78
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

i would have done the same thing. brides understand how stressful it is to plan a wedding, and my fiance got laid of in feb and just started a job this week, i was stressed out and strecthed to my max and i also am a little freaked out over spending the rest of my life with one person and we have been dating for 6 years and he has been just as stressed out and we have not cheated on each other, instead we were each others support and we are working through the tough times because reality is there are a ton of them in real life and you dont just get scared and go cheating on someone! my feeling is once a cheater always a cheater and i think what he used was excuses, i know some nice guys are hard to find but i would never ever marry someone who i doubted would ever cheat on me in the first place or be afraid of them doing it again. i am so sorry this had to happen to you

Post # 80
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

LauraLou – *HUGS* I think it’s normal to still love him even though he’s done what he has. From the sounds of things you’re mourning the relationship – and that’s completely alright and healthy. I’m glad you’ve decided to move on rather than hold on to something you don’t necessarily want (or deserve for that matter). I know everything up until now has been devastating – but there will come a day that you will feel ok…great even. And when that day comes you will be (if you aren’t now) glad that you found out who your ex was now, rather than 5 years down the road…*HUGS* again..you’ve been through so much and from everything written on here I can tell that you’ve been able to remain so calm and collected – big props to you!

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk on days like this…

Post # 81
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Simple.  He is not marriage material most likely if he’s seeing this girl still.  He will probably imho do the same to her (catty I know, but she gets what she deserves as she knew he was engaged).  That is your sign to let him be.

I am so sorry you’re hurting.  You love what you two once shared, not what is now, what is the present reality.  I’m not sure if this guy is capable of fidelity in the long run.  Best you found out now.

Hugs.  Lots of hugs.

Btw, my xh wanted to remain married to me but said he had to "get things out of his system" (cheating) and I said it’s a deal breaker.  That was after being married for quite a few years AND being parents.  He wanted his cake and eat it too.  No go for me.  If he were serious about wanting to work this out, he’d be BEGGING to go see a couples’ counselor with you and with him alone and also dump this you know what also like a hot potato.  His being with her now tells me reconciliation is not in his top ten list.   

 

Post # 82
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

(((((HUGS)))))

I can’t even begin to say that I know how you feel, b/c I absolutely don’t. It’s always much easier to give someone advice when they haven’t been in your situation before. Putting myself in your shoes, I would also be just crushed if my husband did this to me. The fact that your Fiance is STILL seeing this girl and sleeping around with her makes me think that you need to move on from him. Like I said, it’s so much easier for me to say that than for you to actually do it. Unfortunately, there is no on/off switch for love, and if this were currently happening to me, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

I do want you to know that you deserve the undivided love of someone, and shouldn’t have to share him with anyone. The fact that he’s still sleeping with this girl makes me so angry for you. He’s having the fun that he wants while he’s still keeping the steady and stable relationship (you) near just in case he decides he’s ready for the commitment. You don’t deserve that at all. 

I think counseling would help you greatly. You need to have someone remind you how amazing and awesome you are on your own. I know he was your best friend, but I think you might need to let him go for a while and get to know yourself again. You sound like a wonderful person with so much ahead of you to look forward to. It’s his loss that he let such a great person get away and your love will be appreciated by someone else ten fold. The only thing right now that’s going to heal your pain is time. Keep yourself surrounded by friends and family and try to do things that keep your mind off of him.

Keep us updated on how you’re doing. We all feel for you here and hope that you’re able to find happiness again soon. 

Post # 83
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh Lauralou, I want to jump on a plane right now and fly down to NC just so I can hug you and cry with you over this whole mess.  My ex cheated on me and I found out was doing drugs behind my back for 2 years before we broke up, and after everything I still loved him and wanted to be with him.  I was a mess for about 2 months, totally couldn’t function and almost lost my job because of it.  My advice is to spend as much time with friends and family and don’t talk about it, be extra silly with your friends, stay up late on weekends watching girly movies and drink too much wine and try to channel your inner child again.  It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it does lighten the blow. I’ll tell you, the only thing that got me through it was my friends. 

We’re here for you!!!!  Let us know what’s going on so we can help with the healing process. (((((HUGS)))))

Post # 84
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh, LauraLou!  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t think your ex is trying to hurt you, exactly.  He still cares for you and I suspect a big part of him wants you back, which is why he’s trying to keep you in his life, but he is too immature to fully commit to you.  He’s still seeing the fling because he’s scared to be alone if you don’t take him back.

Just remember: it’s not you.  It’s not your fault.  Go and read Miss Snapdragon’s final post again: http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/02/20/dodging-the-biggest-bullet-of-my-life/

And as soon as you’ve dealt with the financials, cut him off cold.  Don’t answer his calls, don’t read his e-mails, don’t speak to him at all.  He doesn’t get to have you in his life anymore, even if he still does care about you.  He’s made his choice and he needs to live with the consequences, and you need time to heal.  ::hugs::

Post # 85
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Sending you hugs and good energy.

It’s not stupid at all to still feel love toward him.  I told a friend this once, it just shows how big your heart is.  And how wonderfully capable you are of loving.  That he is unable to reciprocate completely has nothing to do with you.  You have an open and giving heart.  That opens you up to some pain, but it also provides you the opportunity to experience many of life’s riches.  It hurts now, but I promise you, it will get better…and in the meantime it’s okay to be upset.

I hope you are able to take some time off work to sort your feelings out…you deserve it.  Also, given both the physical and emotional strain on you, I just wanted to find out whether there’s anyone in your life who can come stay with you?  Friend, sibling, parent, relative?  I can’t directly relate to what you’re going through, but I know that in difficult times it’s sometimes really helpful to have someone pamper/baby you a bit.  Cook you dinner etc.  Especially if they take all the day-to-day stress off of you (e.g. decide what to cook, when to eat, when to sleep etc). It’s amazing how much of a relief it can be. 

Please take care of yourself…and feel free to reach out for some comfort whenever you need it.

Post # 86
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

LaraLou, I am so, so sorry.  I just wanted to offer my support and remind you that are strong enough to get through this.  I can only imagine how this must be for you, but you absolutely did NOT deserve the be hurt this way.  And you definitely don’t desrve to be treated this way in the future.  I am so proud of you right now, for sticking up for yourself and getting out of this relationship.  I know it must be devestating, but you made the right choice.  Just keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel; know that this kind of immense pain and loneliness won’t last forever.  You’re tough enough to get through this; and we’re all here to help you out when you need it!

Post # 88
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Laura, I’m so sorry to hear your story. I read your posts through from beginning to end. I know for a fact you are a lot stronger than I could ever be in your situation, and all the times I thought I had my heart broken and the worst possible thing had happened to me, I know now it was nothing compared to what you are surviving.

And surviving it so gracefully. I’m glad you see this little homewrecker for what she really is, even if it comes with a tinge of disgust over your ex still being with her. You can do so much better than this man who cleary is not ready for or deserving of you.

Stay Strong … you are my hero ((HUGS))

Post # 89
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Laura – I’m still thinking of you! I come back to your posts often to see if you’ve posted an update. Though I know that it’s still very difficult for you to go through, I absolutely admire your courage and strength.

I’m sorry that you have to hear about what this girl is posting on her facebook page. It’s very clear that she is tactless and everyone is seeing her for exactly what she is. Your ex is absolutely not the person you fell in love with, and you DO deserve better than who he’s become. My thoughts are still with you and I hope things begin to get easier for you. There’s someone out there who will value your love for everything it’s worth.

Post # 89
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
LauraLou:  hi lauralou.  I know this is a six year old post but I am currently in basically the same position you were in 6 years ago. I’m with my fiance 8 years engaged for 2 We are pretty young 22 and I caught him cheating on me. It has been going on for 3 weeks as well and I’m just completely devastated. Same excuse was used about stress of finishing college in the field that was decided on. Having a family (I might not be able to have children) and supposedly all this pressure he couldn’t handle. Were currently in counseling and trying to make it work. Our therapist adviced us to take 2 weeks completely apart so I can take time to feel my emotions without having to turn to him because he is the cause of all this pain. We grew up together he’s my best friend and I see him as my husband. I want to work things out. I want my life back. I want my fiance back but the pain is so strong. I know people make mistakes and I don’t want to judge him on his mistake because he use to be so good to me. I just don’t know why this happened. I want to forgive and to forget but I don’t know if I have it in me. I feel like I can’t live without him but living with him hurts so much. I just would like to know how are things with you now after all this time and if you guys are still together and how was the road to this point in your life. Thank you so much. 

Post # 90
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
tjotjo:  I’m certain this poster is not on the bee anymore. They haven’t posted anything in 6 years. You might just want to start your own thread.

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