- 11 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
You are a strong and sensible woman in a very tough situation. Feeling sad and crappy is the most normal response you can have right now. Hugs and more hugs to you.
I have my own opinions about cheating and recognize that we all have the capacity to betray in this way, but that there are a lot of complex things that often hold us back from it- compassion, trust, commitment, these are important things and the foundation of marriage! I say cheating is a dealbreaker for ME but that is my opinion.
I broke off an engagement when I was cheated on (just 2 weeks before the wedding). However, that crisis situation in finding I was cheated on helped reveal my underlying doubts and fears about the relationship, that the whirlwind of wedding planning had covered for a long time. I realized I didn’t want to be with him. Also, he cheated because he didn’t want to marry and didn’t know how else to deal with it. I felt like a lot of commenters on here have posted to you- if the stress of unemployment and wedding planning is so much, how will your partner love and support you in difficult times? In a healthy relationship we have to be able to alternate holding the other one up during difficulties, this takes a lot of self respect and confidence and it does sound like you possess that in spades but perhaps not your ex Fiance. I knew when this happened to me that I didn’t want to spend my life holding him up in all his depression and insecurity.
My situation occurred nearly 4 years ago and I’m currently planning a wedding in October, which is a happy and actually easy experience (so different!). Looking back, I can see how LONG the grieving process took me when my wedding was called off those years ago. I was angry, I was sad, I missed him. I sometimes slipped up and thought I’d get back together with him, which he really wanted to do. It was immensely confusing. When I was finally able to take the space from him, I was able to just finally FEEL all of my fear about what it meant to not have that long term relationship and then slowly start to rebuild my life. I felt so much sadness, anger, jealousy, shock, all the stages of loss! It was hard. And it took a long time.
Therapy will help. You need to work on YOU, in whatever way that helps. Take a bath. Go on a walk. have some friends you can call on when you are in a rut. You can’t change him. You really can’t. If he wants to change, in any way, he’s going to have to decide for himself and do the work. It is so hard for people to change.
Find some space for yourself to grieve and have some independence. Within that space, I think you’ll somehow find your bliss.
Good luck. You are loved on here and you are perfect just how you are. Don’t forget that.