- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2018
My fiancé and I disagree about gifts and registries. He sees creating a registry as begging for gifts. This is partly due to his culture/upbringing, although he’s been in the US for 20 years. I’ve pointed to statistics by the Knot showing around 70-90% of American couples register, and shared my experience with buying gifts off registries over the years for weddings and showers. We agreed that we would not create a wedding registry.
Since day 1, my maid of honor has been wanting to throw me a shower, which will occur in a few weeks. At first, my fiancé saw a shower as pointless and did not want me to even have one. After attending many showers over the years, I’ve looked forward to my shower as a time to create a special memory with friends and an opportunity for wedding guests from different circles get to know each other before the wedding. As many guests like to bring a gift to a shower, my Maid/Matron of Honor suggested I create a bridal shower registry, which I thought was a good compromise. I told him I was doing this, and he said he didn’t want any part in it. My Maid/Matron of Honor added the registry to the evite after several shower guests asked her about it.
I mostly asked for things I thought we could both use (a blanket, oven mitts to replace our old ones that are falling apart, dish towels, even a kitchen item he was planning to buy)–nothing extravagant, frivolous, or expensive. The other day he then demanded to know how many gifts, what gifts, etc. I registered for and said, “It affects me”–I guess because I’m bringing them into our shared space.
I’ve tried explaining to him that some people are gifts people, and will really want to give a gift even if asked not to. Married friends have told me that if you don’t create a registry (and even if you do!) you’ll get gifts you can’t return, stuff you already have, etc.
If someone came to the wedding or shower without a gift, that is fine with me too! The important thing is to celebrate with people we love. I would think that if we don’t include registry information on our website, we’ll receive cash, gift cards, just cards, or nothing. I feel very awkward telling someone who asks me about a registry, “I don’t want gifts,” but that’s what he plans to tell people. I don’t think he is keen on the idea of telling people to give to a charity, either.
Additionally, my parents (who are paying for half the wedding) unfortunately think that a primary reason for having a wedding is to get gifts. (Their guestbook from their own wedding 50 years ago contains only the name of the guest and gift!) I don’t agree with this, but if we put “no gifts” on our wedding website, they would not react well and I can picture all kinds of outbursts like, “Why are we paying for this when you don’t want gifts.”
I’d love any insights on helpful things to say to my fiancé as this issue keeps resurfacing. We are also talking about a wedding with 50 guests, and a shower with about ~12 guests. I am starting to dread my own shower because I’ll likely be coming home with some gifts. I’m fearing his disapproving reaction and having that overshadow the fun time I’m looking forward to with close friends and his mom. I did tell him I would take down the registry after the shower so it wasn’t used for wedding gifts.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for listening 🙂