- 5 years ago
Last night I posted my story of how my ex-fiance unexpectedly ended our engagement. However, I left out part of the story due to embarrassment and also a desire (however irrational) to protect my ex-fiance. In order for myself to fully come to grips with the situation, I think I need to express the whole story.
My ex-FI and I were together for about 3.5 years. The first year of our relationship was perfect, during which we almost never fought. As time progressed, we fought a bit more. Most of our fights started over discussions over the future. I wanted to settle down and get married. He was unemployed most of the time and living with his parents, and therefore felt he was not ready to get married. My ex-FI is very educated, he has studied at several of the top Canadian universities and has an MBA. However, his work ethic is sometimes lacking, and he tends to lean on his parents exessively for support. In fact, his mother still cleans up his room, does his laundry and makes his lunch. I saw so much potential in him, but felt like he was not living up to his full potential. I felt like his parents treated him like a child, and this enabled him to act like a child. I should mention that I did express my frustration about his lack of employment several times. I know that this hurt him tremendously and I regret ever saying anything. Around this time I noticed that he had a violent temper. I DO NOT consider him to be abusive, but I think he has trouble controlling himself when he gets angry. Many times when we would fight about something small, and I would say something that would set him off, he would respond by pushing me, pulling my hair, shaking me or slapping a hand over my mouth. Needless to say, this was quite frightening, and every time I told him he could not respond like that to me, and he would say that he wouldn’t do it again.
When he finally proposed I was overjoyed. I thought he was ready to settle down, get serious about work, and move out of his parents place. However, after becoming engaged, our fights became more and more intense. His parents didn’t want him to move out of their home. They didn’t want us to set our wedding date. At first they refused to attend our engagement party, although in the end we managed to convince them to attend. He still didn’t have a job, and kept changing his mind about what kind of work he was looking for. These issues led to more and more fights. I was so annoyed by his parents behaviour, but my ex-FI is fiercely protective of his parents and would always take their side. My ex-FI continued to respond to our fights with violence, and I threatened that if he didn’t change, I would have to tell someone. I have to be clear here, that he NEVER punched, kicked or slapped me. However he was physical, and did occasionally leave a bruise or a bump. When he was violent with me, I would sometimes respond with violence, but usually just to get him away from me. I know I shouldn’t have responded like that.
This leads to the big fight last week. Our fight started about the laundry. He wanted me to do his laundry as soon as I got home from school, and I refused. I said I wanted to unwind, and we could do the laundry together in a couple of hours. He called me a “fat ass”, and said the reason I was gaining weight is because I spend too much time sitting on the couch. He had a broom in his hand, and hit me lightly with it on my head. Although he hit me lightly, I was mad because dust and garbage from the broom got into my hair. I could tell he was going to lose his temper in a violent way, and I wanted to get away from him. I ran to get my coat, but he blocked the front door and roughly pushed me away. I was scared and wanted to get out, so I pulled his hair to get him to move. He responded by aggressively pulling my hair, and a chunk of my hair came out. I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in. I told him to leave, and he said he would leave once I gave him his ring. I slipped the ring under the door and he took it, yet he did not leave. I was scared and fed up with his violence. I had my cell phone will me and called my mom. I told her that ex-FI was being agressive and that I wanted her to come pick me up. She was shocked, as I had never told her about ex-FI’s aggressive side. She asked me if ex-FI had been violent before and I told her he had. I knew ex-FI could hear this conversation, and I wanted him to hear, as I thought me telling someone would be the push he needed to change.
He proceeded to pack up his things and leave the apartment to stay at his parents place. Our wedding has been canceled due to us failing to pay the deposit on time, and we have canceled our upcoming vacation. I have tried talking to him and telling him that we should try counseling or anger management classes together. He is not willing to listen, and says he is done. He says we are not compatible and we fight too much. He thinks I bring out the worst side in his personality. I know that when I am angry I say things that I shouldn’t say, and I nag too much. But I think he is also very much at fault due to his violent reactions. I have told him that I am willing to change if he does. I will learn to stop nagging and saying hurtful things that set him off. If I am still willing to forgive him for his violence and I am willing to work through this with him, how can he just give up on us?
It is difficult for me to talk about this situation with any of my friends and family, as I do not want to mention FI’s violent side. I feel embarrassed and I also want to protect him. I have only told my mother the full story. This makes it difficult to fully come to grips with the situation and start to heal.