(Closed) My fiance ended our engagement, how do I ever recover from this?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Do NOTdrop out of school. School doesnt break up with you or tell you you’re not compatable…

View original reply
@gigglebox:  This!

Post # 18
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@LabAngel:  first off, huge hugs to you. I am so sorry you’re going through such a devastating time in your life. 

However, I think there needs to be a little tough love for you. I remember being in a very similar relationship, where little things would tick us off, and we’d fight. We stayed together for 4 years, and talked seriously about getting engaged. However, he broke up with me, saying we fought too much, and he didn’t think it would work. And you know what? He was right. And it was the best thing that he ever did for me. 

My dad taught me a valuable lesson about relationships when he said “you know, I don’t understand why people say you need to fight in a relationship. You don’t need to fight to love each other.”

LIGHTBULB. 

My Fiance disagree sometimes, but we don’t yell, call each other names, or storm out. And trust me, we’ve gone through some incredibly difficult times that were stressful. But you lean on each other, not tear each other down. It really sounds like you two need some time apart, whether that be to sort out your feelings and perhaps make it work, or to begin healing and moving on. You absolutely do not need to change for a man, or accept less than amazing. It sounds like he was tired of fighting and trying, and you can’t force him to change his mind. Breakups suck, because you feel like after years of deciding things together, it’s all of a sudden a one-sided thing. 

The best thing you can do is think about yourself. Don’t call, don’t text. Don’t drop out of school. Don’t put your life on hold. You need to be your own priority at the moment, and move on at your own pace. You never know what the future holds, but you can’t wait around forever for a guy who may or may not be there. 

Again, sorry if that was harsh. I understand how devastating it can be, but hang in there and keep your friends and family close to you for support. You’ll get through this. 

Post # 19
Member
2447 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh my goodness, what a heartbreaking story. OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But if a man leaves over one fight, is this a man that you want to marry? He clearly had other issues that were giving him cold feet and the fight was just the catalyst for him to finally end things. Breaking up now is tough, but think about how horrible a divorce would be. Even though it doesn’t seem like it now, he actually did you a solid by breaking things off. His heart wasn’t in it, and in marriage you deserve someone that is going to be by your side 150%. 

Post # 20
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

While this may be heartbreaking right now, you’ll be fine. I would not at all jeopardize my future to get over a breakup, throw yourself into it 100%.. it should prove to be a good distraction and may help you heal. 

Post # 21
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I told him that its nothing we can’t work out, and I’m willing to change for him.

Noooo.  OP, you do not need to change for anyone.  Someone who loves you and wants to be with you would never ask you to change…nor would he walk out after just one fight over laundry.

When you’re in the right relationship, it’s not this hard to get along.  Not to say you don’t fight at times, but you definitely don’t name-call or belittle each other or walk out after a stupid fight.  And in the right relationship, you don’t have to promise the other person that you’re going to change.

Finish the semester and then enjoy a nice break at the holidays…go on that trip you and your Fiance had planned, but take a friend.  Get good and drunk.  And then come back and start focusing on moving forward with the rest of your life.  It WILL be okay.

Post # 22
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@LabAngel:  girl, do not drop out of your PhD program. You get that degree, show him he’s not worth your time, your concentration or your tears. Get that degree, get a great job, an amazing house, and a guy who would love to spend time with you in a tiny studio. There are people out there, trust me: my SO and I lived in a 600 sq ft apartment together for a year. It was not meant for two people, haha. If he truly loves you, he’ll come back to you and you guys can work it out. But if he doesn’t… why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you? I know how you feel, I’ve been in this position before. I thought I’d never get over him, I’d never find someone to love me, or for me to love, he was it, the one. But guess what? He wasn’t. As time went on, I felt a little better. I still hurt, but not as bad. Finally, I found someone who loved me for everything the other guy didn’t. Trust me when I say, he’s not worth your time!

Don’t ever ever ever change for someone. You love yourself first, and someone will come along and love you twice as much for it. 

Post # 23
Member
781 posts
Busy bee

Great advice from all of these ladies. My personal opinion is that when you find your soulmate, you love and respect each other too much to fight. I am type A, my SO is type A, honestly when I met him I thought there’s no way in hell we would get along. I was wrong. There’s so much mutual respect, we’ve been together a year and not one single disagreement. I’m 33 and have never been in a relationship like this. It may feel like the end of the world right now, but I promise, everything will be ok. That horrible feeling in your chest will fade. Stay strong and keep yourself busy. ((hugs)) 

Post # 25
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

@LabAngel:  I’m so sorry you are hurting! This sucks!

Marriage is very much about compromise. Both people must be willing to work together, to make change, to put each other above all else, to ride the good times and the bad times. Your ex-fiance does not appear to be in that headspace.

Respectfully, I don’t think he is ready for marriage in general. Everyone has silly fights, and sometimes the escalate in a way that results in storming out – but at the end of the day, people who are married realize there is nowhere else to go but back home to the person you love. To me, it doesn’t matter how you fight (although do remember words can be hurtful and what is said outloud can’t ever be “unsaid”), as long as you realize it is the two of you against the world.

I know it hurts, but you will get over this. You deserve someone who puts you first against all else, someone who recognizes that it is about compromise.

Don’t drop out of school. School will give you routine, it will give you the chance to get your mind off him, and will give you an incredible degree & education that will last you a lifetime. 

Post # 26
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I understand that you are deeply hurt and upset; an unexpected, broken engagement is a horrible thing. But in the midst of your emotional rollercoaster, try to take a moment and think about things rationally (with your head, not your heart).

For starters, I don’t know how old you are, but I’m assuming from the fact that you’re a PhD student that you’re old enough to know that his reactions and actions are not normal. There definitely is something more going on with him – him, not you. He may have cold feet, he may not love you anymore, he may be scared, or he may be all of those things. A man who is secure in his relationship and knows he wants to marry his fiance will not break an engagement over a fight, or even over several fights. Those men know that there are growing pains in every new step of a relationship (moving in, combining incomes, having children, etc). If he really wanted the relationship, he would understand that.

Having said that, this may be a blessing in disguise. You do NOT want to marry someone who does not 100%, mind, body, soul, want to marry YOU. Not just “get married” – but want to marry YOU. You may not realize it in the haze of the engagement, but the last thing you want is to be a saddled with a husband who’s not all in. It will cost you more than hurt feelings when the time comes to divorce, and if you add children into the mix, the emotional toll would be much more staggering than the one you face now.

You need to buck up, throw on some lipstick and face this like a grown woman. You appear strong and intelligent; don’t let his actions have you doubt these qualities of yours. Focus on yourself, on school, on getting healthy and on healing. The time will come when you will meet a man who will want to marry you 100% and will not turn his back on you at the first sign of trouble. That’s the kind of man you deserve. So, hang in there. It will pass. It may take some time, but it will. “Things mean a lot at the time, don’t mean nothing later.”

Post # 27
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You shouldn’t need to change for someone if you just had one silly fight over who would do clothes.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I can’t help to think, like most PP, that there is more to the story and perhaps he is just fed up with it.

Don’t drop out of school. It’s just a breakup. It hurts. It sucks. But it will heal, and for you to want to throw your goals away because he doesn’t want to get married is really sad. It not only shows immaturity but insecurity. You can get through this and become better for it.

It’s not worth throwing everything away for a guy. Yeah, he threw the wedding away, but its better it happened now than when you are married.

Post # 28
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t stop your schooling. 

The fact that a disagreement over who should do the laundry devolved into name calling and saying mean things leads me to believe that maybe he’s making the right decision. It also sounds like this fight isn’t the real issue, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. Yes, moving is stressful, but if this kind of fight or similar interactions are happening on a regular basis, I can see why he would want to end it.

He said the two of you aren’t compatible, and that may be true. Yes, disagreements happen in relationships, but if those disagreements stem from the fact that two people aren’t compatible, that’s a solid, logical reason to end a relationship. 

Maybe there’s more to why he did what he did, but based on what I’ve read here, what he did sounds logical, even if it was emotionally charged and in the heat of the moment. 

Stay in school, and don’t let this change any more of your life than it has to. You can recover from this. 

Post # 29
Member
985 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@MissHarleyBlue:  +1

 

View original reply
@LabAngel:  no matter how much you love him, you worked too hard to get into your program, do NOT drop your PhD for any man. its not worth it. give him his space, but eventually you are gonna have to move on and stop letting him have all the control in the relationship. Im sorry this is happening to  you, pull up your boot straps and keep on living, you will be fine, with or without him. 

Post # 30
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

for what you wrote he sounds like he made his mind. He is not breaking up because of a silly fight. You probably have your answer right there in the same line you wrote when you say you guys fight frecuently. Little fights are not stupid fights. Little by little they undermine the relationship. And in your case, for what you describe you guys don’t seem to have much resolution as when problems arise you fight, run and walk away from the issues. All this keeps mounting until someone gets fed up and realizes that they don’t want to live like that anymore. And if you think of it, it is an even scarier thought to know that this is just the beginning, when you are still boyfriend and girlfriend. When you don’t share a house, when you don’t have kids, when you don’t have joint finances that sometimes get so tight that you can barely make ends meet. When you are still over the moon with excitement over your engagement and not dealing with the frustrations of life after 10+ years of marriage.

Yes, it is normal to have disagreements when big changes are taking place. However, disagreements are not the same as fights. When you guys are at the point of blocking each other’s way and you end up hiding, there is something very wrong there. I know it hurts. And I know it sucks to have your bubble burst after a proposal, when you are so excited and you dream about your big day. But maybe, although it might not seem like that to you right now, he is doing the right thing for both of you. Yes, it sucks to deal with the frustration, sadness and even embarrassment of having an engagement broken off. But if you think that is bad and stressful, so is walking into court for a divorce hearing after a few years of marriage, hammering out a settlement and possibly a custody agreement if you have kids. 

 

Maybe dear, maybe this is for the best. Breathe and get your friends and family to gather around you. Keep yourself busy. Sometimes by loosing something we gain the opportunity of a better future. 

 

Best wishes

 

Post # 31
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

A friend of mine is getting married this Christmas- his fiancee was previously engaged but the wedding was called off.  I don’t know her, but it must have happend for a good reason, because my friend is a wonderful, gentle, giving, and caring person who will make an excellent husband!

(Can you take a semester off school and come back? Sometimes schools are strict, but sometimes they know life happens and students need a break)

The topic ‘My fiance ended our engagement, how do I ever recover from this?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors