(Closed) My fiance ended our engagement, how do I ever recover from this?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LabAngel:  He sounds like a coward and not mature enough to handle an adult relationship. Arguing fairly, apologizing and learning from the fight is just a part of adult relationships. 

It must be hard to see it now, but he’s done you a favor. 

And OMG DO NOT DROP OUT BECAUSE OF THIS! You are stong and will be even stronger once you are on the other side of this pain. 

Post # 33
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@LabAngel:  First off im so sorry you are going through this…i cant imagine how you are feeling… My now Boyfriend or Best Friend also proposed to me about a year and half ago with a beautiful ring. We had a pretty good relationship. We had been dating for 10 years so we have known each other practically our whole lifes. We never really broke up during those 10 years. But we decided to break our engagement after 6 months of been engaged…we both felt that we needed to grow on our own. This i would say was the hardest decision he and i made. He was the one that initiated the break up but i agreed and felt that it was the best thing to do.

I will say this that the time apart allowed for us to grow and really realize what we wanted from life. When you are in a relationship you tend to loose yourself…this goes of course is more known for people that have been in long term relationships. I needed to find happiness on my own. And i did. It was the hardest time of my life bc i had my wedding dress and had looked a venues and even received some gifts. So i had to return my wedding dress bc we left the relationship believing that we wouldnt go back together and that if we did it would gradually happen on its own bc we are meant to be.

I really let go completely. Put away tons of pics and also put his clothes away. I put the ring back in the engagement box and hid it. He didnt want to take it back…n i honestly didnt want to keep but i hid it away. Telling my family was also very tough for me. But gradually i started feeling better. I started picking myself up…one thing that allowed for me to continue moving forward was telling myself that i love myself very much. The pain was unberable. At times i felt like that was something breaking inside of me. I cried myelf to sleep for days and didnt eat for days too. I missed work for a whole week. Nothing made me smile and i felt like my whole world stop…like i said gradually i started feeling better…i would cry less and i started smiling. I remember the first time i laugh..my sister said something funny and i just laughed from the bottom of my heart. It was the greatest laugh ever. I started taking care of myself and forced myself to get out of bed and go to work and eat. Eventually i cried less and the pain was something i was able to handle…i still cried every now and then. It would happen when i would be alone. But i did find myself. N honestly i would never take this time back. i needed and he needed it as well. We both realized through this break up that we wanted to spend our lifes together more then ever.

As challenging as it is…going back to a relationship that ended in a broken engagement.. we surpassed the problems and the pain. It took lots of time and patience to fix wat was broken and also to work on the reason why we both felt like we needed to end things. We are now in such a great place…we both feel different about life in general. I believe we have changed so much and i honestly love who i have become. 

Sometimes time apart is the best solution. Take your time to be happy on your own…bc he may need this time too. But i will assure you one thing you will be ok..with time. As cliche as this may sound…its the truth!! time does heal. And one day you will look back n be in a better place. Wether he is the one or not. Experiences like these make you strong in a very special way. As difficult as it is dont stop living…believe in yourself a little more and believe that you are strong enough to do anything you want…please keep us posted.. 

Post # 34
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@LabAngel:  How do you begin to heal?!  Well first, you give yourself a break, and allow yourself to grieve the relationship.  It is not easy.  There will be times of depression, times of anger, times where you sleep too much or too little, and times where you will not be able to eat/think/move, and times that you will muster up the strength to do so.  Wanting to give up your PH.D program is a ‘normal’ thought in the process, because right about now, you want to give up everything…including who you are, in order to see the relationship work again. 

There is NOT weakness in hurting or grieving.  There is not weakness in thinking, re-thinking, over-analyzing, and going to every extreme you can think of to change your reality.  However, in beginning to heal, you also need strength – which we all have, deep inside of, even under the toughest of situations.

True strength will be in small things…it will be in going to class, even if you do not pay any attention to what is being taught.  It is in showering on a day you just want to stay in bed.  It will be in not giving up on yourself, or things you have worked toward.  It will, ONE DAY, include being able to look back at this relationship, and him, and realizing he is a soul-less coward whom quickly gave up on the BEST thing, which is you – the YOU that you love, whom did not need to change a thing about herself.  It will be in one day graduating from your PH.D program, and being SO PROUD of yourself for not giving it up! 

Find time for yourself amidst all of this…turn to the Bee if you have moments sadness, because they will be here to listen to you vent.  GOOD LUCK!!

Post # 35
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

I respectfully completely disagree with the PP’s who said that she should not have given the ring back without a fight.

I don’t take something like getting engaged lightly nor do I take lightly the promises implied. If someone who I have pledged to spend the rest of my life with decides to ask for the ring back even if they don’t mean it actually ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON’T MEAN IT you better believe they will get that ring back from me with not a word of protest.You don’t get to fuck around with my emotions like that. In the same way I will not be in a relationship where “Divorce” and “Breakup” are tossed around casually in arguments.

She shouldn’t have to fight to remind this guy of the magnitude of an action like that.

Post # 36
Member
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Whatever you do, DO NOT drop out of school.

Post # 37
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LabAngel:  *Hugz*

Dear I am so sorry to hear the pain you are going through.

I can give you some encouragement and say that my hubby and I have been through HUGE fights, and most of them start over nothing. 

I even find that throughout our relationship that there are times where we fight almost everyday throughout the week…and then it gets better, because we want to make it better, so we suck up our pride (I am not directing that comment at you, just talking about myself) and we made it work. 

I can say that 90% of the relationship is good, 10% we fight.

I think your Fiance needs to work on conflict resolution. Ipersonally don’t think that this is 100% over for the 2 of you.

I do think that your Fiance needs to man up and not run away back to mommy and daddy whenever he faces a chanllege. If I were you I would ask his parents if they could maybe help in that way (I am not sure they would, since they didn’t approve of your enagement)…but a mature parent would not put themselves in the middle of their childrens fight with their SO. I know my grandparents (who raised me) wouldn’t let me stay back home (unless it was abuse) just because we are fighting, they would tell me to go back to my home. 

I guess the ball is in his court right now, he is the one that needs to mature up a bit and know he can’t run away (cooling off for 20 min is one thinng…running away is another). He needs to face the music and not just give up from 2 weeks of not living under his dear mothers protection….School of hard knocks!

 

 

Post # 38
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

The thing is, a marriage isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. He gave up too easy and refused to work things out. I don’t think he is ready for marriage. He needs to mature a bit more to realize that couples can get past arguments.

Post # 39
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry OP.  I can’t imagine even being in your shoes.

Reading your post, the one question I have is what is going on here.  I find it hard to believe an engagement was broken off becasue you couldn’t agree on who did the laundry.

My DH and I fight a lot, always have.  I think I would murder him in a studio.  But we also compromise and listen to each other.

I think there has to be other reasons then “you fight too much” within a period of two weeks.  If this was going on for months, I could understand but 2 weeks you’re just getting your bearings on living together.  There has to be some things that he just isn’t telling you.

 

Post # 40
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, there is more to the story.  And please do not call anyone’s mother…

 

Post # 41
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@Sunflower–girl:  I tend to agree, involving the mother puts everyone in a bad spot.

 

If he’s really ending the engagement, I am so very sorry. But you WILL heal and you WILL survive. Don’t drop out of school and don’t stop living your life. You lived before him and you will continue to live. I sincerely hope that everything works out how it is supposed to in this situation. 

Post # 42
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LabAngel:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this – how painful. 🙁 seems like your fiance just used this fight as an excuse to leave. This had probably been brewing inside him for a while now… and he should have come to you and talked it out instead of cutting and running. This doesn’t exactly look good for his character… I agree with the PPs, long term relationships are hard work and have their ups and downs, and he can’t just cut and run every time things are less than perfect.

My fiance and I had a rough six months when we first moved in together. Two headstrong people who were used to living alone (I’d lived alone for 5 years prior to that!) combining two apartments and two lives into one little condo – not a smooth transition! The only thing that saved us was constantly talking, even if it meant one of us expressing pure unhappiness to the other, and mutually wondering if it was a mistake. Voicing those concerns and feelings allowed us to say, “what do I need to do (or not do) to make things better?” If one of us had bottled it up, we probably would have broken up.  

Don’t drop out of school – I know right now you can’t bring yourself to care, but you will regret it if you do.

Post # 43
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

He got cold feet. It happens. Give it some time and space…concentrate on your studies. He MAY come around and wouldn’t that be wonderful but if he does not, that’s a blessing of a whole different sort. It won’t feel like it for awhile but nothing is worse than marrying someone who isn’t into you 120%. Breathe and feel better. Nothing will fix this but time. Wait and be patient.

Post # 45
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

First, don’t drop out of school!

 

Second, I think there may be more to the story than what you’ve said. Maybe that argument was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Some couples thrive on a dramatic relationship, but not everyone does. Name calling should be a no-no in any healthy relationship.

 

Even if you do not believe there is no legitimate reason for him leaving you, it’s good that it happened before you got married. Also, if you have to change yourself to get or keep someone, you’re with the wrong person.

 

You will find someone more compatible with you, just stay strong sweetie.

 

Post # 46
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@NYMango:  “Second, I think there may be more to the story than what you’ve said.”

I think OP may have posted follow-up thread about this…I thought I saw one somewhere.

Post # 47
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@MissMarple:  I saw it too. It was closed by admins because it was deemed a duplicate.

In that post she went more into depth about the situation including admitting that her Fiance has an anger problem but was “Definitely not abusive”. She then went on to list things he’d done that many (including myself) deemed physical abuse: pulling out a clump of her hair, grabbing her, hitting her with a broom were three I remembered.

ETA: Here’s a Link to the other closed post.

The topic ‘My fiance ended our engagement, how do I ever recover from this?’ is closed to new replies.

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