(Closed) My fiance has a brain tumor…should we bump up the wedding??

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should we just get hitched a year early??
    Yes, get married before it's too late : (82 votes)
    93 %
    Hell no, do not let a tumor dictate your plans : (6 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 16
    1363 posts
    Bumble bee

    Do it now. This is speaking as someone who had/has a brain tumor (benign, in a different location than your FI’s, able to be removed via transsphenoidal ressection vs. full craniotomy).

    I had surgery in early 2015, and it looks like I’m facing another surgery by the end of this year or early next year. I met my Fiance after my original surgery thinking I wouldn’t need a second surgery, and our plans to marry happened before we new that my tumor was recurrent. But we agreed that if we got news that was worse than what it was, we’d just go down to city hall and marry ASAP. It has always been more important to us to be husband and wife than it was to have the big wedding. In a case like yours, I’d absolutely get married now and have an awesome celebration later — this is the one time where I really don’t side-eye a couple for having more than one celebration. 

    That said, it’s your Fiance who has the tumor, and the decision when to marry is 50% his. He could be feeling really overwhelmed with everything happening so quickly. Maybe talk to a counselor together as you make these big decisions to have someone impartial to bounce thoughts off of. 

    Good luck. I’m thinking of you guys.

    Post # 17
    1236 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    If I were you and/or your fi, I’d want to go to city hall ASAP to make FMLA, health insurance, etc. easier.  Friends of mine did this.  He was diagnosed with cancer (now in remission) so they eloped and later had a kickass vow renewal/party – it was made all the more special by what they had been through to get there!

    Post # 18
    6712 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I’d discuss it with your Fiance again. As much as any of us say to get married ASAP, he knows the reasons for it as well as we do, and if he is saying no, then the answer is no. In other words, none of us can tell you what the “right” thing to do is if your Fiance feels it is wrong. Does he want his parents to have power over his care? That’s his right if he does. If he knows all the rights and responsibilities that you are denied by not being married and he still chooses not to get married before the date you initially set, then that’s his choice.

    Perhaps he feels that he is giving the disease/medical issue too much power over his life by moving up the wedding. Maybe he actually would feel less empowered by changing the plans before the surgery? Even though it is superstitious, I could understand if he felt that way. Ultimately, only he can decide what he wants. 

    Post # 19
    5200 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I feel for you. I hope that I can make you feel better by sharing a personal experience with a brain tumor. My best friend had headaches for years and they kept escalating. She, too started having fainting spells and the MRIs didn’t show anything/catch anything early on. She had a massive brain tumor and it was pressing against her pituitary gland. The specialists also recommended the same craniotomy surgery. It was the most stressful time for everyone,  and she was scared to death but didn’t want to show it. It was a SUCCESS. Apart from losing her sense of taste and smell for 6 months and having a stint put in, she is thriving 6 years later. 

    Don’t lose hope. 

    Post # 20
    252 posts
    Helper bee

    I am so sorry. Get married ASAP and update all your other paperwork (life insurance beneficiary, living will etc.). When my fiancé was hit by a car two years into our relationship we lied and said we were married so I could be with him in the hospital and make decisions about his care. Also, on an encouraging note my mom had a brain tumor and is fine today. She also had open surgery and everything went well. Medicine today is amazing. Good luck. Stay strong. 

    Post # 21
    43 posts
    • Wedding: July 2016

    So sorry to hear about your FI’s diagnosis!  Prayers that it is not cancerous.

    My Fiance and I lived together and just wanted to be married so….we got married.  I told my mom and my grandmother, whose health is failing and may not live to see our wedding day.  No one else knows.  We kept it a secret so that the day would still feel special for all of our other family members, friends, and guests.  I don’t regret it for a second!  I love being married to my husband!  And after our wedding day, everyone else will finally be in on the secret 

    I say go for it!  If you’re worried about it putting a damper on your wedding day, then just keep it on the down low like we did!

    Post # 22
    156 posts
    Blushing bee

     was diagnosed with a brain tumor while engaged.   had two craniotomies while engaged and then went through chemo and radiation, and lost my hair 6 months before the wedding.  We didn’t even discuss moving our wedding.  If I could do it again, here’s what  I would do.  Wait until after the surgery and the pathology comes back.  If the pathology shows its not cancerous, just wait and get married as planned.  If it is, have a quick JOP ceremony and postpone the reception.  If he’s going through chemo and radiation, he’ll be too tired to really participate in planning.  In a lot of ways I feel like I missed out on all the wedding planning experiences because I was in such a fog.  I don’t believe in vow renewals and do-overs, and I still loved our wedding so I wouldn’t change anything we did, but a lot more wedding planning fell to my fiance than most grooms do.

    Of course, Doing this unmarried this worked because my then fiancé and my parents have a great relationship And all three are wonderful people. Also, my first surgery was an emergency situation so there wasn’t time to argue about what to do.  And my parents live 4 hours away, so my fiancé had made a lot of decisions by the time they were at the hospital.  I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance after having a seizure, where an MRI revealed the tumor.  In fact, I’m surprised they let your fiancé go home from the hospital After the MRI. 

    we were not married for either of my surgeries and had no trouble with him being allowed to visit.  did make everyone leave at 9 pm but not the night before and night of surgery and the other nights I was ready for them to leave anyway.  My fiancé slept  a hospital chair the night before my first surgery and the night of my second.

    as for FMLA, I was in the hospital for a week the first surgery and 3 nights for the second, and out of work for a month both times.  My fiancé took almost two weeks off each time, but his boss is a cancer survivor and was very understanding.  I didn’t NEED his help once  was home from the hospital. Like, I could use the bathroom and feed myself and slept most of the time for that first week home from the hospital. I took one or two oxycodones per day for about a week and that was it, after that it was just getting my strength and energy back. But my mom has a job she  could easily quit if something went wrong and I needed care, so everything wouldn’t have been on my fiancé. If you don’t have that kind of support system, this  something to consider.

    July 13 is my one year anniversary of being done with radiation, and I finished chemo in march.  I go for MRIs every few months to make sure no residual tumor is growing, but other than that, I work and have a totally normal life.  I’m feeling so much better these days, but it’s been a hard road.  The surgery was the easy part  me.

    I’ll be thinking of your and your fiancé. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk Or have any questions.

    Post # 23
    1230 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

    experimentalgirl:  im so sorry. I would suggest talking to him about pros/cons. Also, i can see why he may want to wait until the original date.

    Three months before we got married, I got very ill and hospitalized; led to me being paralyzed, and other factors. Luckily, my husband was part of my insurance and other beneficiary stuff because at that time we were domestic partners. Maybe something to look into?

    Personally, I did not want to rush to get married. But that’s my own personal opinion. 

    On monday 7/11/16, my husband will be havig a craniotomy due to he also having undergone a horrible seizure and having a mass on the left side of his brain and a small one behind his eye. We were both planning on starting to have kids soon, but we arent not rushing as we both hope he will come out of this surgery well and we can continue with our family planning plans.

    maybe hear him out, discuss his fears, maybe community/church/therapeutic support for both to decide whats best?

    Post # 24
    6269 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I’d say get married asap for practical reasons then have your big wedding as planned next year. I think it’s one of those situations where it wouldn’t be considered a fake/or a redo but a real celebration and I’m sure your family and friends will be delighted to give it some serious celebrating!

    it must be such a worrying time for you but you have much to look forward to and I’m sending my very best wishes to you both from the uk. 

    Post # 25
    3825 posts
    Honey bee

    If it were me, I would have a quick wedding now so I had all the rights of a spouse. Then have a big blow out wedding in the future.

    Note, if your prior plans included having a religious wedding ceremony, you may want to check in your place of worship. For example, if you are Catholic, then you cannot get married in the Catholic Church after a civil wedding (you can only have a convalidation ceremony). But you might be able to get the priest to waive the pre-cana requirements given the situation and marry you himself. 

    Post # 26
    3825 posts
    Honey bee

    I will be thinking of you and your fiance and hope everything goes as smoothly as possible. 

    Post # 27
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I would get married now and have an anniversary party/vow renewal later. Absolutely nobody would begrudge you doing that, given what you and your Fiance are going through. Best wishes to you both.

    Post # 28
    3003 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    OMG, so sorry you’re going through this. I had a high school classmate who had a brain tumor that ended up being benign, and she recovered fully within a few months of the surgery. She gave a presentation about her surgery in my health class. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that your FI’s surgery will be successful and he will make a full recovery soon. 

    The entire point of marriage in my opinion is legal protection for situations exactly like your Fiance and you will be facing in the immediate future. Get legally married now and have the ceremony and reception of your dreams on your date. I know plenty of couples who did this due to being in the military or international.

    Post # 29
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

    I would recommend marrying now for reasons discussed above. I think it’s pretty romantic to do it without the whole ordeal. It perfectly demonstrates the love and committment we speak of when we get married.

    Plan on having an AMAZING anniversary party once you’re through this point, or if you have a religious background, just sign the civil docs now and save the religious ceremony for later.

    I’d just tell Fiance – I want to go through this as your wife. We can focus on beating this and then having an amazing celebration later.

    Good luck to you and your Fiance.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  mangosandcats.
    Post # 30
    1866 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. I work in Oncology, primarily with brain tumour patients. I would get married now and have your wedding later. In these circumstances I think a full wedding and reception, even though you are already married, is a wonderful idea. 

    Good luck to you both, I hope everything goes smoothly xx 

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