My Fiance Has His Flaws

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5578 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

You haven’t accepted him for who he is, you told him to keep his opinions to himself unless he is asked.

So, what? He’s supposed to be on edge and be cautious when talking around your family?

How is that accepting him for who he is, telling him he needs to change or keep his mouth shut around your family?

Post # 17
Member
6724 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Looks like the bees want to pick a fight tonight.

I can’t hit “reply” and have to tag you, but my answer is yes to almost all of it. Yes my husband is stubborn. Just this past weekend he decided he needed to drive 6 hours one way to buy a used vehicle. It was decent and his own is at the end of its life, so while I suggested he look a bit closer to home, he couldn’t find the ‘right’ car nearer and that was that. I didn’t even bother fighting it as when he’s made up his mind, he’s not changing it. He has frequently had to do things to discover I was right all along. Some people would lose their minds at that, I just roll my eyes and move on.

Yes he says whatever is on his mind to me. Sometimes the things he says bother me, but he is open to debate, which we really enjoy doing. I’m not as good a debater as he is, but there are times I can at least change his mind on some small points. Or at least make him see that the general public will not care for what he has to say. He has the common sense to keep those types of discussions personal though and isn’t going to blurt anything rude to people he isn’t very comfortable with. He definitely doesn’t make judgy comments to my parents’ face about anything they do, even if he’s thinking it.

Yes my family is small and quiet. On Christmas day we normally have breakfast, open gifts and then do our own thing until dinner. His family is big, loud and gregarious, but I absolutely love them for it. Heck, my sister loves his family for it as she’s pretty extroverted herself. She’s only met them once but looking forward to spending the holiday with their family this year (my family is traveling out so everyone can ogle the new baby together). I’m one of those introverts who becomes extraverted when comfortable. I can’t wait for whatever craziness they’ve planned this year.

I guess I’m saying that you should embrace it. Sure it’s a shock at first to be thrown into such a different family, but in the long run it can be a wonderful thing. As to your fiance’s personal behaviors, I wouldn’t worry about that much either. There’s nothing wrong with a gentle hint to think a little before speaking. Some things do not need to be shared and it’s nice to learn to filter a little so the next outburst isn’t something like “hey boss, why are you wearing that idiotic shirt?” If your fiance is open to improving himself, then why shouldn’t he? And granted, if he isn’t open to it, you just have to decide whether or not you’ll accept him as is.

Post # 18
Member
10078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

My husband has zero filter and zero sense of self preservation. Doesn’t matter where he is, who he’s taking to, who is in the room, if it comes into his head it comes out of his mouth. If he thinks you’re stupid he will flat out tell you he thinks you’re stupid to your face, no pretense. Again, doesn’t matter if it’s my family member, his boss or anyone else. If he thinks it, he should going to say it.

While there are a lot of times this isn’t a good thing it does have one benefit, I always know exactly what he’s thinking and how he feels. I never have to guess because he will straight out tell me. I never wonder if he’s being dishonest or hiding something because it’s not his personality to do so. 

This is something I’ve known about him since day one and it’s not going to change, no matter what I think. His family is also very direct and have a different communication style than my family and a lot of that just comes down to plain ol’ cultural differences. It’s not a bad thing and once I understood it, it was totally fine. It seems like you want him to change this behavior and I don’t think that’s a realistic plan. He’s not going to learn to have a filter just because you came along and think he needs to. He’s likely been this way his entire life, I think it’s unrealistic to think you can change this.

Post # 19
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Uhhh I love my family and will go beyond for them then for my in-laws. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my in-laws, just that I love my family more and I think that’s normal?
I’m the one who can keep my mouth shut lol, but Darling Husband is constantly reminding me if I said something too much and I think I learn, it’s good for me anyway. His patience changed me, so I think you can try to ask your Fiance to be more subtle, that’s fine. But don’t expect him to change to be like you/your Fam. As long as he being polite and kind to your fam I dont think it’s a big problem.

Post # 20
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

bluebutterfly647 :  He’s told me that if there’s anything that ever upsets me that I can always tell him. However if it has to do with his mother or family then I know I need to tread carefulle.

 

So basically you want him to be more open to hearing any grievances you have with his family and automatically pick your side whether justified or not but when he brings up something about your family (puppy) you want different rules in regards to your family and any issues he may have. 

You can’t change him or his family dynamic. Nor can you change your family dynamic or the core of who you are as a person. If your having doubts, finding faults and finding certain aspects of your partner difficult to deal with before your married, you are probably going to find them  even more difficult to deal with ten years down the track. Nothing wrong with being opposite but the difficulty arises when you are unable to accept or compromise on your differences. If you feel you can’t do that now then I would consider if you really are suited.

 

Post # 21
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

He is never going to like your family as much as he likes his own – just like you will never like his family as much as you like yours.

 

Post # 22
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

bluebutterfly647 :  I am probably the only one seeing the red flag here, but telling you to tread lightly when talking about his family, even if they upset you? That’s a no no. He will become very protective and fights will ensue in the future. You will be the one that will be hurt. His family will always come first.

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