Post # 1
I am in a bit of a terrible situtation and I don’t know what I should do. My wedding is in 4 weeks. My partner and I have been together for 11 years. In these years we had a couple of tough times. There were times were we almost did not make it but we pulled through. My friends and family are sceptical of him because we had such a rough time however I always believe that a relationship is always looking different from the outside than from the inside and only two poeple who are together know what it is like to be with eachother. My partner is a a slighlty socially awkward but as a heart for gold. I have one friend, who iam friends with since high school. She was always very direct and outspoken, something I am often not brave enough to be. But she is extremly direct and doesn’t care sometimes about other peoples feelings. My partner and I did reach 5 years ago a very dark time in our relationship and I went to my friend. She then said to me very clearly that she has not seen me happy and that my partner is not the right one and that I should break up. I was already mentally on my wits end so I went back home (we live abroad) and had a nervous breakdown and broke up with my partner. He talked to me and wanted to know where this is coming from and he knew I saw my family and that particular friend the days before. I then said that even my friends tell me that they have not seen me happy once since I am with him and that this is a reason for me to end this. After a long conversation he pleeded with me and manged to get me to stay. Since that however he blames my friend for almost runing his life. I always tried to tell him that this is too harsh and that I was me in the end who did do these steps but he has it in his head that she has it in for him. We left it at that however we will get married in a few weeks and he and my friend will see eachother for the first time. I never told her about this and also not about my partners grudge over her. My finace said to me now, that if she dares to speak to him on the wedding, he wants to tell her that she was wrong to trying to break us up and how dare she sits here and smiles after causing him so much pain and that she is a two faced bitch. This is a nightmare! He is so unreasonable but if someone crosses him once, thats it. I have pleeded with him not to do that and to be civil especially on the wedding, he said why I invited her and I said that after so many years he should not be angry and that my friend and I are soo long friends that I want her to be at the wedding. He now says that I have to advise her not to speak to him!! I have no idea what to do. Can somebody advise please?
Post # 2
aurelia123 : Your fiance sounds immature, is he trying to sabotage his own wedding day by bringing up drama from 5 years ago?
Post # 3
It sure doesn’t sound like he has a heart of gold.
Paragraphs would have made your post easier to read and to understand, but if I understand most of it correctly, I would be reconsidering your relationship with him.
Post # 4
aurelia123 : “I have no idea what to do. Can somebody advise please?” — Listen to your friend. This guy is immature and controlling. Your friend was right.
Post # 5
aurelia123 : The advice your friend gave you years ago was very wise, and to this day, relevant. Think it over…
Post # 6
Marriage should be a choice made in peace and happiness. This doesnt sounds healthy or happy at all.
Either your fiance, your best friend, or both are toxic people. I hope you seriously take some time to sort that out before you marry him or maintain a friendship with her.
Post # 7
aurelia123 : I do actually feel for your fiancé. If she doesn’t support the marriage, she shouldn’t be there. I’d begrudge someone who, in my eyes, caused a breakup too.
That said, I’m capable of being civil to someone and so is he. If he can’t handle that, he’s being immature. What if it was your mother or sister?
Even though I see where he’s coming from, I’m betting that your friend was right all along. Look inside deep: are you happy now? As happy as you were before you met? Did you really and truly resolve the ‘dark times’ or just gloss them over?
Post # 8
I agree with the other Bees, he really sounds immature. Because your friend was concerned and she wasn’t the one breaking up with him, he just shared how she saw you being affected by being with him. Does he not see, that she only wanted to see you happy?
Do you really think he would shout at her at the wedding? Or is it just his anger speaking through him now? You know him best, what do you think? Maybe you should put your foot down, and thell him that you’re going to invite her and that he’s going to behave out of respect to you.
Post # 9
Anyone who is done if you cross them once does not also have a heart of gold.
Post # 10
He’s blaming her for your break up, but the issues were obviously there to begin with hence you were venting to her and decided to end things. It’s unfair of him to pin this all on her and accept no responsibility for what actually caused the break up. If you were happy and had a good relafionship you wouldn’t have been venting to her and you wouldn’t have broken up with him based on her very rational and fair advice.
He doesn’t sound like a great guy, he sounds like someone who is immature, holds a grudge and is denial. I would reconsider this marriage. She has nothing to apologise or feel bad for, you were very unhappy and bad mouthing him to her and her advice was objective and fair given the situation and also considering she had never met him. Looking at the replies we’re also giving you the same advice now (reconsider your relationship with him) and we’ve never met him either, so I think her comments were fair.
Post # 11
To me it sounds like your fiance was a complete jerk during times of the relationship and made you miserable in many ways, and you reached out to your friend who lovingly told you that she didn’t think the relationship was a positive one for you. You decided that she was probably right and broke up with him…which was probably the correct choice. He got you back by manipulation, which further proves he’s probably an a-hole. Instead of understanding that things came about because of HIS actions, he’s content to blame your friend. Which tells me that not only was he an ahole in the past, but he also hasn’t really learned from his actions which probably means he continues to be one. Then you add that your family and friends don’t really like him because you have been miserable during a lot of the relationship and it’s not a stellar recipe for a happy life together.
I’m sorry bee, but it seems like your non-confrontational attitude and your blindness to your own relationship is going to land you in a world of hurt down the road. I really hope that it doesn’t happen but there don’t seem to be too many positives here. Relationships are rocky for a reason, and while some people CAN get over that it takes a LOT of introsprection and a ton of hard work, none of which your fiance seems to have done.
Post # 12
OP, I think you did your friend a real disservice by going to her in confidence and then repeating what she said to your (then) boyfriend. She was a good friend to you when you needed it and you betrayed that trust. What’s done is done, though.
Your fiance needs to get over it. Your friend wasn’t ruining his life, she was helping you with yours. He needs to think about why doing the best thing for you would have meant leaving him. He just wasn’t the best choice for you then, and I suspect he isn’t the right person for you now.
Post # 13
How does your friend feel about your wedding now? It’s been years, has she changed her mind?
Post # 14
aurelia123 : you said your relationship was in a “very dark place”. You had a nervous breakdown even. Fiance is owning no part of the “very dark place” your relationship was in that made you seek advice/ solace from your friend. Sounds like your good friend is assertive and direct and your fiance doesn’t want that rubbing off on you, he might lose his control…
Post # 15
Has he even tried to see things from her side? If my best friend came home and had a nervous breakdown over her relationship and told me everything bad, of course I wouldn’t have the best opinion of her SO.
Also, “She almost ruined my life” give me a break. Yes a relationship is a wonderful thing to have but your entire life shouldn’t revolve around it. That’s a very dramatic and unhealthy mindset. Even is she were to cause the break up his life would go on.
And this was all 5 years ago? Yeah he needs to get the eff over it.