- 5 months ago
Why are you marrying him? It sounds as if there are still plenty of issues here.
Why are you marrying him? It sounds as if there are still plenty of issues here.
aurelia123 : I dont think i could marry someone who held their pride above me, our wedding day, our friends and family. By causing a scene (like an immature child) over someone who said something 5 years ago.
I think your friends and family have a reason to be skeptical. If it was on person, maybe. But this is a whole group of people who see something wrong.
You said your family is skeptical about him too, are they allowed to speak to him at the wedding?
at the end of the day, you have a decision to make. Something tells me you will go through with the wedding no matter what strangers on the internet say, so if that is the case, it sounds like you will be dis-inviting your friend and losing a great friendship. Sorry, Bee.
Your friend was simply pointing out a fact, that your SO and your relationship were making you unhappy.
I’ve been in a similar situation. My friend came running to me telling me all the horrible things her SO said and did. I advised her his behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to leave him. She went back and told him everything that I said. Then it turned into me not being supportive of their relationship so she no longer speaks to me.
Your friend has done nothing wrong. He is going to cause a scene if she speaks to him? Why are you marrying this guy?
Your fiance is an immature, controlling jerk. If he really can’t be civil and take responsibility for the actions that he caused, then good luck to you. He is doing a great job of working to cut you off from your friends. You are so worried about how he will react that you are considering not inviting her. Personally, I’d ditch the wedding and hang out with her.
“Since that however he blames my friend for almost runing his life.”
Nope, HE almost ruined his life. Your friend didn’t make up BS about him. She spoke to you firmly and passionately because she is your friend and cares about your wellbeing.
“I did five years ago reach a very dark time in our relationship…”
See, she isn’t the two-faced one, here. Honestly, you might unintentionally be. You went to her in a moment of need, she looked out for you, and then you went back to a relationship that caused you to be in a dark place and weaponized her words against him in order to help you “fix” and “explain” your point of view. Villainizing her, after villainizing him.
“My Fiance says that if she dares speak to him at the wedding, or sit there and smile…”
My guess is that you haven’t been as close of friends with her since your “reunion” with your Fiance. It is no fault of hers that she was honest about the situations that were going on in your life. She was limited in her friendship after that, and now, YEARS later, when she is either trying to (again) support a friend she cares about or has given him the benefit of the doubt and is going to support your union —- he’s going to lash out at her?
Has he changed at ALL in those 5 years? Because he did this to himself. With your help. This girl has done nothing but been a friend to you, and is now supportive of you for a wedding that she may or may not believe in because she believes that is the kindest thing to do for her friend.
If you really think he is going to cause a problem at his own wedding, he’s not ready to marry anyone. Period.
No awful man ever wants a woman around who sees through his BS and protects a friend. Of course she is “the enemy.”
You need to talk to him and pose the idea that perhaps, after 5 years, if he has changed, so has she.
So you are suppose to tell your friend not to speak to your husband at his wedding? Are you kidding me right now? He can’t put is his feelings aside for one day knowing that it is important to you that your friend is there? Wow. Obviously your going to marry him but what you should do is save your friend from the embarrasment that your husband will try and push on her and tell her the truth so she can decide for herself if she wants to go or not. It would be terrible for her to be put in a situation of being snubbed or worse being told off by a groom at his wedding when she has no the he stills holds a damn grudge against her after 5 years. Save everyone the drama and be honest with her and tell her your husband dosesn’t like her. Let her decide if she wants to go or not.
aurelia123 : Well firstly, I don’t think it’s right that your Fiance seems to think he is allowed to dictate who your friends are. I have pretty bad personality clashes with a couple of DH’s best mates and they were still groomsmen. They are just his friends, not our friends.
Secondly, it sounds like you inadvertently blamed your breakup on your friends and family instead of saying it was what you wanted, which was super unfair on both your friends and family, and him.
I would speak with him and say that to be clear, the breakup was your doing and your friend was just supporting you.
Regardless of if he believes you or not though, he needs to trust your judgement if you are going to be his wife, and while he doesn’t have to be best buddies with this friend, he does need to be civil. If he can’t do that, he’s immature.
The fact that you say your family and friends, not just this one friend, are skeptical of your fiance because of “tough times” you have had in the past, without indicating what those tough times were, along with the anger he holds onto toward your friend after five years, makes me think that this is an abusive relationship.
None of what you wrote makes your fiance sound good. Maybe there is more to the story that would redeem him, but as far as anyone can tell from the bit you have told us, he is controlling, manipulative, quick to anger, and lacks any desire for introspection. Instead of figuring out how to do better and he a better partner, he blamed your friend for almost breaking you up and continues to blame her. That’s not healthy or normal behaviour.
Your friend gave you honest feedback about what she’d seen and known of you and you broke up with your Fiance out of your own awareness that you hadn’t been well with him. Personally, I think if YOU were a stronger person, your friend’s opinion wouldn’t sway you to a breakup and you wouldn’t allow your Fiance to even CONSIDER being rude to the friend who was looking out for you during a challenging time.
Years ago, when my husband and I were having a hard time and I was leaning on my friends for support, my husband said “I wish you wouldn’t talk to your friends about me.” and I told him, “Stop giving me shit to tell them and I’ll stop talking shit about you to my friends.”
YOU are the common denominator here. You set the tone for how your friend respects (or does not) your relationship and you also set the tone for how your SO respects (or does not) your friendship.
Even with your inherent bias, he sounds awful. Relationships look different from the outside because people can see what we are not able to with our rose-colored glasses. Whether or not your friend is right or wrong, your fiancé’s behavior sounds completely ridiculous. How “dark” a place are we talking? Abuse? Addiction?
Ok. Pretty much every pp has said what I wanted to say. I think that trying to do damage control is beyond your capacity at this point. You went to your friend for advice. She shouldn’t be held accountable by your Fiance for the advice you solicited from her, five years ago.
While I understand that the concept of you and him are the only ones who know what’s going on in your relationship, your friends and family might be seeing red flags that you aren’t. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to yours. She would constantly speak to my friends and I about her boyfriend/now fiancé’s shitty behavior. We all hated him (still do) because he made her unhappy. It is really hard to shake a perception of someone when they constantly display bad behavior and cause your friend to cry. We all told her that he treats her badly and that we think he’s a terrible partner because of his emotional unavailability, as well as abusive tendencies. She’ll back peddle and claim that he’s great. But anyone knows in your situation that even when you mention the good parts about your Fiance, it’s probably hard for your friends to hear because they only know him by the issues you’ve had in the past.
I think that your Fiance needs to let it go. His anger is completely misdirected and he is being immature. Don’t uninvite your friend to the wedding for giving you solicited advice five years ago. Your friends and family have a negative perception of him. If he chooses to start drama at his own wedding, his actions won’t help him change this negative perception, only further it.
You called him someone with a heart of gold. I call bullshit. No decent partner would force a significant other to choose between them and their best friend. If he does? He’s not husband material. Please hear your friends and family out regarding their views on him, what they’re saying might be something worth listening to.
ETA: If this is how he threatens someone who “crossed a line in his mind”, who is to say that he won’t behave similarly to you in the future when you have disagreements? I would be concerned for anyone in your situation. Please take care of yourself.
I agree w/ other bees, your fiance sounds really immature. It’s ridiculous that he’s holding a grudge from 5 years ago. He needs to move the hell on & get over it already!
All the other bees have touched on the red flags in this situation, so I’ll leave those lie.
As for the wedding, can you point out that the day should be about his love for you, not his dislike of her? You might need to remind him that 5 years ago, he was the reason you were unhappy, not her.
aurelia123 : If he is really that upset at a friend of yours who was taking you under her wing and was trying to make sure you were in a good relationship, good health, happy, etc…he is thinking selfishly and immaturely.
He is holding grudges on her for making him feel a certain way…but he’s not understanding that she was actually trying to help you and had your best interest at heart.
If he was mature, he would understand bc he loves you and would appreciate anyone who looks after you. He would take that scare as a lessona nd do and be better for you, the relationship, and himself.