(Closed) My Fiance is an Alcoholic

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@wretchedforest:  

I think I read this right: he gets drunk like once a week? you get mad at him and make him stop drinking all together?

I don’t think he is an acoholic, I think He is a Guy. You may not realize it but when you get all upset and make him stay sober all the time he probably builds up a resentment and then takes his freedom when he can and goes and does all of his drinking. Thus he gets drunk.

My Fiance is a beer nerd aka he loves to try new beers, is all about the craft, and has buddies that he knows from beer tastings. If I made him stop drinking all together then I could easily see him doing what your Fiance does. He would find time away from me where he would do all his drinking and thus get drunk. I also think that over time he would resent me for it. my fi on average has 1-3 beers a night  about 4 nights a week depending on if its a trio, tasting, etc. Is he an acoholic? no. He has a hobby that I don’t like the taste of lol (I often have wine though)

I think you need to sit down with your Fiance and let him know that him coming home drunk really upsets you. however you also need to understand that he is an adult and should be allowed to have a drink everynow and then. Perhaps if he is worried about drinking at all around you, his behavior has changed to reflect what he is doing now. If he understood that its the drunk vs the drinking that has you upset he would be more likely to space out his drinking so that he can enjoy time with his friends and have a beer but you also don’t have to make sure he isn’t puking on you in his sleep.

Post # 18
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with others who say you should reassess whether or not you want to go through with the wedding now (or ever.)  And it’s way better to think it through before a wedding and especially better to think it through before children.   

You seem to have big concerns about how you’d live if you postponed/cancelled.  You make reference to selling your house, so I assume you’re both currently living in your house.  Why not get a roommate while you’re making decisions. 

Post # 19
Member
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I think the people who think this is not alcoholism are not reading your update about him weekly getting so drunk he can’t talk or function, driving home shit-faced, and feeling horribly guilty and sorry about it.

Those are all major red flags!!

Still, if you love him enough to help him work through it and stop drinking, you should.  If not, there is NO shame in that either!  Your needs definitely come first.

Post # 20
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@lolot:  +1 million!!! on both your posts.  

Post # 21
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@lolot:  +1000. People don’t seem to be reading her follow-up post. That is NOT normal behaviour for a grown man of 38 years of age. The fact that he does it on the regular is even worse. 

Post # 22
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

You deserve so much more love and happiness in life than an alcoholic will be able to give you! Ask yourself, would a loving God want to see me married to this man?  If you don’t believe in God, imagine yourself as a sweet little girl and think- is this what that little girl deserves/ needs in life?  Can this man give as much as he takes from her?  It will be very hard to call it off, but it will be so much harder to live life with an alcoholic.  Run while you can- fast and hard!!!

Post # 23
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@lolot:  +1

Please ignore the people saying he’s just being a guy or you’re crazy for thinking he has a problem.  It definitely sounds like he does. 

You don’t have to drink all day every day to be an alcoholic. Drinking in serious excess even just 1x/week indicates a problem. If you drink 1x/year and can’t stop when you start, that is a problem, as well! 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, hun.  A lot of PPs have given you all the advice I would give.  I think it’s time to postpone the wedding until he seeks professional help.  What’s positive is it sounds like he has at least partially recognized he has a problem – much better than dealing with someone in denial! 

Do what’s best for you and your life and happiness.  Dealing with a recovering alcoholic is hard work! 

Wishing you both the best of luck!

Post # 24
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@wretchedforest:  I havent read all the comments yet…but…do not get married right now!…At the very least you need to postpone things…if you cant face your family make up some reason that you can live with…and tell your fiance that unless he gets help it is off!…I have been in your position and went through with the wedding and it is NOT worth it! I know how bad you feel letting everyone down but it will be worse later on if you dont get it sorted…good luck!!

Post # 25
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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@subtlebee:  As a daughter of an alcoholic, and as an individual who has been through years of counselling, therapy, and hours of support groups, I know that you do not get one type of alcoholic. Being an alcoholic doesn’t involve drinking every day, and being physically dependant. Binge drinking is alcoholism, and this is what OP’s Fiance sounds like. Also, the OP is not needy. Alcoholism is an illness which affects the whole family, not just the alcoholic.

There are many points in Op’s post which signify alcoholism. 1) A routine/ drinking pattern developing. 2) her Fiance lying about his drinking. 3) his drinking endangering himself and others (him drinking too much can cause health problems, and his drink driving endangers others and himself) OP is not angry that he’s hanging out with his friends, she is angry and hurt because he has an addiction! This is how it starts off, and slowly it builds up and gets worse. Trust me, I know. Also, it is a mental illness, and it is not immaturity. Alcoholics use drink to cover up their emotions, and to block anything out. They are unaware of the effects their drinking has on others, and they are not intentionally hurtful.

OP, I feel so much for you right now, and I suggest that you go to ALANON meetings, counselling, or support groups. I also think it would be wise to arrange a session with a drug/alcohol counsellor, and that you bring up your FI’s drinking during it, with him there. It is one of the most missunderstood, hardest struggles to go through, and it is important that you both get help. I think that you should not get married until your Fiance has confronted and dealt with his addiction.

If you need any more advice please PM me. I will be thinking of you. *HUGS*

Post # 26
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@sillysillybee: +1000 of your +1000 for 
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@lolot:  Great insight from both of you, thank you!

 

Post # 27
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it’s not a great idea to label anyone else as an alcoholic, especially someone I’ve never met, over the Internet, after reading a hundred words about them. So I’ll just say:

Do not marry him if you believe he has a problem with alcohol. It will get worse before it gets better. Right now it’s being plastered, passing out, and driving drunk once a week; five years from now it could be seven days a week.

Imagine having children with a person who gets drunk til he passes out and who drinks and drives on a regular basis. It’s like having an extra child, except this one is much larger and a danger to himself and others. And then those children are saddled with the fallout from being raised in that environment.

Don’t go through with a wedding just so you don’t disappoint other people. If they’ll be disappointed by a cancelled wedding, imagine how they’ll feel about a divorce.

Don’t listen to people who try to minimize the impact of his drinking and say “He’s just having fun!” or “He’s just young! He’ll settle down when you have kids!” or “He’s not the problem! You’re being controlling!” Those people are flat-out wrong. If his drinking is a problem for you, then it’s a real problem, and it’s not going to magically fix itself.

Don’t tell him you’re thinking about calling off the wedding if his drinking behaviour doesn’t improve, and then relent after he gets better for a few weeks or months. That’s not enough time for you to be confident that he’s really changed his behaviour. Most problem drinkers can be on their best behaviour for a few weeks or months, but it rarely lasts.

Also, go to Al-Anon. The support and insight you’ll get there is invaluable.

Post # 28
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@wretchedforest:  From what you’ve told us, he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic. He simply sounds like a man that likes to have some drinks and cut loose every now and then. Obviously you don’t condone his drinking, but it’s clearly something he enjoys. You need to either accept that this man you love enjoys having a few too many on occasion and not having to run home the second you demand his presence. Or you can leave him to find someone more open minded about his partying ways. 

The decision is yours and yours alone to make. You can’t try to force a change in him, that’s not fair to him. If you don’t feel comfortable marrying someone who likes to party once in a while, then find someone that shares your views. 

Alcoholism isn’t something that means someone is out getting hammered every night, but that goes both ways, a person going out and drinking a few nights a month is not likely an alcohloic. To be an alcohlic one must have a dependency on booze, and not be able to be around it without partaking. There is a difference between someone who genuinely cannot be around booze without drinking, or turning down a drink offered and someone who simply knows they should be headed home but their friends are around having fun and they want to join in. 

Post # 29
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First and foremost (( HUGS )) because I know this was difficult to write and share.

I see you are NEW to WBee, so you probably don’t know me or my story… which is fairly well know here in “the Hive”

I have been in your shoes.

And I can tell you if I had my whole life to live all over again, I would have chosen differently.

As much as I LOVED my Boyfriend or Best Friend / Fiance / Husband for over 30 years… it was a difficult and painful journey

His drinking started out as binging… and over the years between 20 and 50 went from problematic, to dependency, to a serious addiction…

That ultmately changed him and us… and our relationship and our family

It contaminated EVERYTHING in our life

And in the end left both us of heartbroken and alone (we seperated & divorced)… and him waiting to die (a body filled with cancer) and myself driven to the brink of thinking life wasn’t worth living… overcome with hardships, depression and grief

It hurt everyone around us… our kids, our families… it forced people to choose sides.  And yet everyone to “come back together” at his passing.

IT WAS H#LL !!

And honestly something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy !!

I suggest that you read my very comprehensive reply (# 106) that I wrote for this recent topic for another Bee who is suffering…

Having Marriage Problems and not even a year in… feeling alone and confused = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/having-marriage-problems-not-even-a-year-in-feeling-alone-and-confused#axzz2O2Jmd5E4

It covers a lot of important background info on Alcoholism… and will give you some resource info as well.

At this point, my best suggestion for you, is to take care of you.

Go fiind yourself some support… in the form of counselling

There are known groups like Al-Anon, or family therapy that focuses on support for family members who live with Addicts

You need to go find out what it is you are facing, and exactly WHAT you can and cannot do to help him (ultimately in the end these are decisions HE IS MAKING)

You are not alone in this journey… despite it feeling that way.

And on that note, you can certainly reach out here on WBee anytime you want to chat… or send me a PM (personal message) if you like

Hope this helps,

PS… I see this is your first post here on WBee… so a BIG Welcome Aboard (tough way to get started, all the same).  The gals here are terrific do stick around and know that this is a great place to chat and lean on for help / advice / venting… or to act as a sounding board when you need it.  Hope we’ll see you around more often now that you’ve found us.

(( HUGS )) again.

 

Post # 30
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@drummerbride:  Sorry, but this is just not an accurate description of alcoholism. My Fiance is an alcoholic with 6 years sober. Before he got sober, he was perfectly capable of being around booze and not drinking, for days and weeks on end. But when he did drink, he was completely unable to stop, and he drank until he passed out. 

There are many, many different kinds of alcoholics. There is no one thing that you can point to and say, “That makes you an alcoholic!” Conversely, there is no one thing you can point to and say, “This makes you not an alcoholic!” The disease is far too varied for any such simplistic formulations.

Post # 31
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

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@MissMfutureMrsB:  her first post has him drinking sporadically, not weekly. that is not information we were given. Even so I don’t think, based on what she said, that it rises to the level of alcoholism. Alcohol abuse, sure but they are not the same. My grandfather is a recovering alcoholic so don’t think I am naive to living with/around one. I simply asked her for more details so that I could tailor my response to the problem. If he is an alcoholic shame on pp’s for saying she should just leave. It is a mental illness and I would hope she would seek professional help.

If it is immaturity and recklessness that is a choice and something that warrants either it or me treatment. I’m quite annoyed that I am the only one who thought to ask for more details so that I could actually provide tailored advice beyond well i’d call my man ten time too if he wasn’t home. gah.

OP I think you just need to get him to a counselor so they can tell you if it is alcoholism or immaturity because clearly from the information you have given it could go either way.

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