- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
It is much, much easier to stop a wedding and lose money than go through the agony of divorce. It is ALWAYS better to call off the wedding than to just get divorced a few months or a year later. It does sound like your fiance is an alcoholic. He seems to be aware of it but feels unable to change. If he does change then that’s great, but NEVER get married hoping that they will change.
What a NIGHTMARE!
If he wants to stop, work on it! With a substance abuse counselor. Not “Don’t worry, this time will be different” bullshit.
If he doesn’t want to (or more likely) refuses to see a counselor, it’s time to go!
Better to sell your house than to lose it in the divorce!
Your view of what constitutes an Alcoholic and how the disease manifests is once again far too narrow (as other Bees have said it has many many different faces)
What is known is it is a BOTH a social issue and a health problem. It typically starts as being somewhat problematic… then abuse… then dependency… and finally a full on addiction known as alcoholism
BUT society is reluctant to call it that… and for good reason… BECAUSE only an Alocoholic can admit it has an addiction (well beyond the Oncologist or Forensic Examiner down the road)
What we do know about this person, is they are certainly using alcohol to the point where it is a PROBLEM in their life (with their Fiance)… AND they are putting others at risk by driving drunk
These are warning signs for sure… of perhaps a greater problem (on the road to abuse, dependency, addiction)
I have to say that your statement,
OP I think you just need to get him to a counselor so they can tell you if it is alcoholism or immaturity because clearly from the information you have given it could go either way
Clearly shows how little you understand the problem at hand.
NO ONE CAN MAKE ANYONE DO ANYTHING… and certainly not someone with a Drinking Problem (alcoholic) IF at first the Drinker doesn’t admit there might be an issue to themselves.
This is the first thing they teach you in Al-Anon… YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANYONE ELSE… they are responsible for themselves, and their choices.
Which is precisely WHY my advice and that from others has spelled out that she needs to take care of herself, and reach out for her own assistance / counselling to more fully understand what may be going on here with her Fiance.
If we are going to make a decision about alchoholic or not let’s look at some definitions. I put in bold the ones PP stated.
(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least one of the following occurring within a 12-month period:
Recurrent use of alcohol resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to alcohol use; alcohol-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by alcohol use)
Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct)
Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication).
(B) Never met criteria for alcohol dependence.
(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect; or markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol; or drinking (or using a closely related substance) to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
Drinking in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended.
Persistent desire or one or more unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control drinking
Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of drinking
A great deal of time spent in activities necessary to obtain, to use, or to recover from the effects of drinking
Continued drinking despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to be caused or exacerbated by drinking.
OP, take him to a professional. This thread isn’t going to diagnose him obviously.
@wretchedforest: I could have written this myself four years ago, when I was with my ex-boyfriend. He was most definitely an alcoholic, which is what ended our relationship. He quit drinking a couple of months after we broke up and he used the strength of all his family and friends to get him through it.
It sounds like your fiance knows he has a problem. Sit down and have a frank discussion with him about it, the thoughts you’re having (about leaving), and the changes that need to be made to move forward. Postpone the wedding, at the very least. The repercussions of a canceled or delayed wedding will be insignificant compared to those of being married to an alcoholic.
Talk about controlling / micro-managing a relationship
I dare say, I don’t see how anyone could take a grown man anywhere…
That was my point.
A man either chooses to go get help or he doesn’t.
Whatever the life issue.
Anytime that you don’t feel comfortable about doing something, especially “marriage” with a certain person, DON’T DO IT! You said you cannot afford to be on your own, well dear I have a four letter word for you, MOVE!!! No one on this tread right now is capable or professional enough to tell you or advice you on anything, because something like this, they have to see him in the flesh. No one can diagnose him, compare his symtoms to their own, there is always two sides in every story. But what I will advice you to do, is search within your heart if you think you can be with him, tolerate him, and look past what you dislike about him for the rest of your life, then go on marry him. But if you can’t, I’m tellling you right now, a wedding is not a show, it is bigger than the dress, the centerpieces, the glitter and the bling. The hell with what people say, if they know him and they feel the same way you feel about his drinking, they’ll probably be relieved. Your parents will get over the money, if they are good parents they will respect and value your feelings more than the $ amount. Be honest with yourself, if you marry him, are you 100% sure that this marriage will not end up in divorce anyways, so the money your parents shelled out will be wasted either way.
Addiction no matter what kind is more than a disease, it is something that we can’t put a bandaid on, or write a prescription for, it has to come from the individual, their willlingness to recover and stay that way.
But for now, you will have to work on your life, you cannot go through a marriage or anything for that matter with doubts. I hope you’ll find the answer, good luck.
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