(Closed) My Fiance is an Alcoholic

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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@subtlebee:  again really ?

You can take children to the Doctor, or Animals to the vet.

But… Short of him being unconcious and calling an ambulance… I cannot think of any other way to make an adult human do anything.

You need to read up on what one’s RIGHTS are.

 

Post # 48
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

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@This Time Round:  not going to fight with you over the OP deciding to take him or not. totally not what this thread is for. if youre bored pm me, otherwise stop grandstanding

Post # 49
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Not bored…

I am insensed by your replies on this subject.

And I got your Rude PM

And you are once again misinformed… about the disease (clearly) and me… you don’t have to read very far to know my story.  Your PM was insulting !!

 

Post # 50
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

whether he is an alcoholic, abuses alcohol or has a drinkikng problem, doesn’t matter – let’s not argue semantics here. Clearly he has an issue with drinking – call it whatever you’d like, but that’s not what the OP is looking for.  She is already (rightfully so) convinced that he has issues with drinking.  I think she’s in the best position of anyone to know that or not. 

 

Post # 51
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@This Time Round:  Yes she is very insulting and quite ignorant. She sent me a rude PM too. Just let her be…no sense arguing in someone like that and I’m pretty other people don’t buy a word of what she writes a lot of the time.

Post # 52
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

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@MrsWBS:  hence why i suggested she take him to a professional. IT is difficult to diagnose a problem with little info and little knowledge of the issue

Post # 53
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t generally post in heated threads like this, but with all due respect (even thought not very much is due, I’d say), to subtlebee – I don’t think OP is asking any of us to attempt to diagnose her FI’s alcoholism or non-alcoholism.  The issues being what they are, I see this as her coming to this forum for support and advice on her trying to  decide to stay or leave the relationship. 

Post # 54
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

agree professional help is the next step here, but he has to want it. As with any addiction, no amount of therapy or rehab or intervention will help until they decide they want to and are ready to stop.

Post # 55
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

OP many many many people are getting off topic.   If YOU KNOW there is a problem, I think the  best thing you can do… is get to an AL ANON meeting, or into some counseling.  If for no other reason then to talk to someone IRL. 

There was alot of great information and there are amazing bee’s out there that will listen and not argue with you about what you know about you’re own life.   I’m always amazed that the women on the boards share so much of their own battles with us. 

I’m also constantly amazed at bees that just blather on to proove they are never wrong about their snap judgement diagnosis.

Hand in there. (((HUGS)))

Post # 56
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Regardless of the reason, you are having doubts. Please postpone the wedding until you’ve educated yourself about alcohol. The sad truth is, that even if he wants to get sober, it will be a long road that many are not succeessful at no matter how much they try. 

DH is in Smart Recovery (kind of AA for angnostics and athiests). He told me of a story of a husband brininging his wife to the meetings (she cant drive, license revoked I think and maybe still drinking). She wants to get sober, but just cant. She was at her upteenth 90 day rehab stint and was flying home and had a drink on the plane. 

Your Fiance might not be that bad yet, but he will eventually. And he needs to get help now. 

As for postponing the wedding, talk to your vendors. Many will allow you to carry over your deposits for up to one year. Then you can take the next 6 months to decide if he is working on staying sober. If not, then you can walk away.

Please dont be in denial…this will not get better on its own!

Post # 57
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

Healthy Love does not make you worry, wander, make you lose sleep.  If the answer is ‘No’ to the following question, then call off the wedding.  Do you want this man, in the current state of who he is, to be the father and example to your children?

You are concerned about everyone else’s feelings but at the end of the day, you and your husband are in this journey that is also separate from everyone else.  You are the one who has to live with this.  If you cannot live with who he currently is, to hell with the money spent.  Trust me, a divorce will be even more expensive when also considering the emotional investment.  CALL it off.  This is not a casual problem.  This is not something you can sweep under the rug.  Save yourself future heartache.

Post # 58
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@wretchedforest: Before I read through the comments, I just had to respond to this: 

I feel like it is too hard at this point to break it off. In fact, I’m not really sure if I should break it off or keep trying to salvage our relationship.”

DO NOT GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE IT WILL BE HARD TO BREAK THINGS OFF. If you think it’s hard to break things off now, imagine what it will be like in 5 or 10 years.

If you are having doubts, postpone the wedding at the very least.

If you want to work on the relationship, work on the relationship. But don’t feel obligated to get married just because you’ve invested a lot into the wedding. 

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I’ll go back to reading now. 🙂

Post # 59
Member
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You know what IS harder than breaking off a wedding? Living the rest of your life not knowing whether he is drinking, or drinking and driving, or if he’ll be coming home at all.

You shoud look into codependency and your role in all of this – dont let your future get sucked into enabling his addiction – NOW is the time to get out!!

Post # 60
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
@This Time Round:  You always put things so well! +100000 on everything you have said! 

Everyone saying that he just likes to party, and that OP needs to loosen up etc; His drinking is an issue. He is putting himself at risk, as well as others.  His drinking is causing OP stress, and both OP and her Fiance need help. 

View original reply
@drummerbride:  This is how dependancy starts. My mother has been an alcoholic for 8 years, and 5 years ago she drank 3 bottles of wine a day. During this time her partners parents came over to stay for a week, and she only drank when everyone else was drinking. When they left the first thing she did was go down to the liquor store for a few bottles. She isn’t physically dependant, but EMOTIONALLY dependant. She gets up at 6 in the morning, Monday to Friday, and goes to work and doesn’t drink while she’s there. She might drink 2 cans of bourbon one night, none the next, and then another night she might go and sit in a reserve somewhere and drink a bottle of bourbon straight, and come home at midnight.Each and every alcoholic is different, none of them can fit into the same mould. 

OP, here are some resources for you to look at. They’re NZ ones, but they’re really helpful. The second link has a directory to a list of countries alcohol support groups/ advisories, and a whole range of useful tools and resources.

http://www.alac.org.nz/

http://www.alac.org.nz/useful-links

 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.htm

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/effect/a/risky_drinking.htm

Post # 61
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ITA with the PPs who have suggested al anon as a starting point.  Individual counseling for the OP would be a good thing.

If Fi is willing to come to counseling, that’s good, too.

But, I do agree al Anon is a great, pro active first step.

It’s important not to focus all of your energy on HIM and his problem, which you can’t fix anyway and start taking better care of yourself.  There are counselors and al Anon to help you.

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