(Closed) My Fiance is an Alcoholic

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@This Time Round:  

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@sillysillybee:  

I got the rude PM, too, when I dared to disagree with her on another post in which she was being rude and disrespectful to people. There’s really no point in arguing with someone like that.

OP, if you truly think he is an alchoholic, you definitely need to do something. Something different and drastic – because obviously he is going back to drinking in cycles. Can you at least postpone the wedding while you figure things out?

Post # 78
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@wretchedforest:  Oh my darling, I am so sorry that you are going through this teeter totter of emotions.  I, myself, went through something very similar last year.  If you want to read our story of destruction-turned-redemption, go here http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/weve-come-so-far-proud-of-fi-today#axzz2O0sOkGMy.  But I would like to lend you a few words of wisdom if I may:

1. Although giving him an ultimatum could possibly work, if he isn’t ready to change for himself and is only trying to change for your sake, he will NEVER do it…please trust me on this one.  You need to know and understand that first and foremost!  This is going to sound harsh and it was the hardest lesson that I had to learn, but if he truly has an addiction to alcohol, you are not important enough to him to make him quit.  Alcohol is and always be #1 until he gets help. 

2. If your main reason for continuing down the path with your FH is due to money shelled out for the wedding or having to move back home with mom and dad or running into mutual friends all the time, then Oh.My.Gosh. RUN!  Those are absolutely not reasons to marry someone.  

3. You need to talk to someone ASAP.  I definitely think that, if you haven’t already, you should confide in your mom or dad or an older sibling or someone close to the situation so that they are aware of what you are going through.  It was humiliating when I did it, but I was so glad afterwards that I had talked to my parents.  They were incredibly supporting!  But in addition to that, I would absolutely recommend getting plugged in with Al-Anon or something similar.  If friends/family members have never dealt with an addict, they will not fully understand what you are going through…how could they?  I found that being connected with recovering alcoholics and other friends/family members of addicts gave me such a release and a sense of community.  And they come from all walks of life.

I hope that you will take care of yourself first and foremost, because you cannot force your FH to get help.  You may be able to nudge him in the right direction, but ultimately he will have to make that decision for himself.  In the meantime, if you need any fellowship or encouragement, please don’t hesitate to PM me.  ((Hugs))  

Post # 79
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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@Christy42213:  (( HUGS )) to you !!

So glad you came here and shared your story… I know how much courage that can take.

Let your Fiance know there are “complete strangers” cheering for him…

Alcoholism is also a disease that altho tends to “happen alone”… success “cannot come alone”… so he needs to know that soo many people are in his corner in this fight for his life !!

Hang in there.  The fact that he is putting you above the drink… is HUGE !!

 

Post # 80
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

someone who is an alcoholic needs alcohol all the time. alcoholics dont go periods of time without drinking. what youre describing sounds like someone who abuses alcohol.

Post # 81
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965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Christy42213: OMG + 1million on every single thing you said!  Your story sounds so very similar to mine.  And ironically your wedding is 2 days after mine…weird!! 😉  I am so happy to hear your story about you and your Fiance and I hope and pray that the two will be beyond happy in your “new” life together…I know FH and I are! 🙂

Post # 82
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@missashley884:  This is actually not true. It becomes alcoholism when it becomes an issue in your everyday functioning, whether its work, relationships, financial obligations, etc. There is a story told in AA of a man, who shortly after turning 21, had his first drink. He was buzzing and drove home, killing a pedestrian. He gets jail time. He is released. He goes out his first night, has two beers and gets pulled over, getting a DUI. Is he an alcoholic?

 

Yep. Because alcohol has impeeded his everyday functioning. 

 

There are allll kinds of alcoholics. The ones that drink every day, ones who drink on weekends, ones who drink only on holidays or special occasions. There are even ones who “limit” themselves on beer or wine, etc. It’s not the frequency. It’s the effect after the first sip. They lack the ability to stop, despite any consequences. 

 

And get this…. They can “dry out” and still behave “alcoholically”. This is why it’s considered a family disease. It infiltrates everyone & everything. Thus, Alanon & not just AA. 

Post # 83
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2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@subtlebee:  I think that maybe you are misinformed about what constitues alcoholism. You don’t have to be drunk every minute of every day, wake up with DTs to be an alcoholic. The description she offered sounds very much like what functioning alcoholism is. He feels guilt and remorse for his behavior, promises to stop, but can’t, he drinks to the point of passing out AT the bar, he drives drunk. That is not simply being immature. I think if you’ve ever dated an alcoholic, you’d understand the OP’s “needy” behavior. When so many big things are out of your control, you’re grasping at any type of “control” you can find.

Post # 84
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@subtlebee:  I agree with you, we need more information to provide good advice. And I always respect that you don’t allow people who try to take threads away from the original post to do so. Even when you are attacked you try to keep on topic. Your’re much stronger than me! I would never come back if people treated me the way certain posters have treated you.

To the original poster. If you truly love him and want to see if the relationship can be saved, take him to get a diagnosis. Then you can move forward knowing what you are dealing with.

Trying the same tactics (calling and searching for him) won’t solve anything. If he has a mental disease he cannot help it. He needs professional intervention and if you decide to stay you will have to help him through this period. If not he is making selfish and dangerous decisions and you should probably leave.

 

Post # 86
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@missrobots:  I think that subtlebee was asking for more information. alcoholism and alcohol abuse are not one in the same. they have different motivations. A college student who drinks everyday abuses alcoholc but may not be an alcoholic. I’m not sure asking for more information is such a bad thing. She still gave good advice about taking him to get help.

As far as the needy thing, I think the behavior is what she meant and not the OP’s personality. Calling and tracking a man down is a needy behavior (though perhaps warranted at times). I think the OP should seek counselling about why she feels the need to repeat this unhealthy behavior.

There’s just a lot here and I think it is a diservice to reduce it down to “oh poor you, leave him now!”  Plus some of the posters are just really mean.

Post # 87
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1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@wretchedforest:  Congrats on deciding to take the next step and confront the issue.

To your last point – I will just say that in the first two years of my FI’s sobriety, I barely drank at all for the same reasons. But once someone is stable and maintaining sobriety, it isn’t dependent on anyone else’s behaviour. For someone who’s actually in recovery (as opposed to a dry drunk), being in the presence of others consuming alcohol becomes pretty much irrelevant over time. My Fiance is around alcohol all the time – he hangs out in bars with friends, we have parties and serve booze, etc. He just doesn’t drink.

Post # 88
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@wretchedforest:  I am so happy to hear that you are going to face the issue head on tonight. It is very difficult but it has got to be done.

One of the main indicators of an alcoholic is that once he starts, he can’t stop drinking. For me, once I take one drink, I have absolutely no idea how much I will consume, when I will stop consuming or what may happen to me or others around me while I am consuming alcohol. Once the first drink is taken I have no ability to stop on my own…it has to be some external source that stops it (I run out of booze, pass out, end up in hospital, etc.). There have been stretches when I was at my worst where I drank for 10 days straight, never eating or showering, and only passing our for brief intervals before waking up again to drink more. Very, very scary stuff. Inevitably what would follow would be 10 days in hospital on an IV to safely detox and dry out.

It really is an allergy of the body and an obsession of the the mind. But so long as I never take that first drink…I am ok. It took me many many years to figure it out for myself. I spent countless hours and days trying to figure my way out of the shitty deal of being an alcoholic…let me tell you, it has been the only thing in my life that has ever brought me to the jumping off point. But there really is no way out of being an alcoholic once you are one…once you’re a pickle you can never go back to being a cucumber. You must face it, accept it and ask for help.

If he is really an alcholic it will not be possible for him to quit on his own…he has to reach out for help, and I don’t mean just reaching out to you. He has to reach out to other alcoholics who have suffered and have made it back from the edge.

Now that I have some sobriety behind me I can see very clearly the incredible pain, worry, grief and torment I put my family through. I am amazed they managed to stand by me through it all because there were many many many times when they should have all walked away.

Please, please check out some Al-Anon meetings. Don’t be scared. You will learn so much and they will help you figure out how to cope with this. Try to look for similarities in the stories you hear (there will be many), and don’t look for the differences. A PP said that she could stand behind an alcoholic in recovery, but not an alcoholic in active addiction and I could not agree more. Please do not marry this man until these issues are addressed and he has taken real and concrete steps towards helping himself.

There was a time when the idea of a life without alcohol was just too much for my mind to comprehend. I don’t think I have ever felt more alone and frightened than when it finally and truly dawned on me that I could not do go drinking anymore because it was destroying my life and would kill me, but I couldn’t imagine my life without it either. Trust me…the life I am living now, free of alcohol, is far far far better than I could have ever imagined. I am now happy, joyous and free…and I would not trade it for the world.

Post # 89
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

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@LaTortuga:  Alcoholism is a disease.  Frequent drinking does not necessarily mean someone is an alcoholic.  The way they think about alcohol, the way alcohol controls their lives, the way their body physically reacts to consuming (and not consuming) alcohol, and their inability to stop drinking despite negative consequences is what makes someone an alcoholic.  Please do not equate your fiancé’s situation with the OP’s.  Just because your fiancé isn’t an alcoholic doesn’t mean that the OP’s is not.  From what she described, it sounds like he very well could be.  An addiction clinic would evaluate him to determine if he is in fact addicted and needs treatment or not.

The knowledge that some people can have enough while an alcoholic never can is the single most compelling piece of evidence to suggest that alcoholism is a disease, that it has powerful physiological roots, and that the alcoholic’s body simply responds differently to liquor than a nonalcoholic’s.  Once an alcoholic starts to drink, they simply do not know how or when to stop; the feeling of need kicks in so pervasively that stopping doesn’t feel like an option.

Post # 90
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

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@drummerbride:  You said, Alcoholism isn’t something that means someone is out getting hammered every night, but that goes both ways, a person going out and drinking a few nights a month is not likely an alcohloic. To be an alcohlic one must have a dependency on booze, and not be able to be around it without partaking. There is a difference between someone who genuinely cannot be around booze without drinking, or turning down a drink offered and someone who simply knows they should be headed home but their friends are around having fun and they want to join in.” 

I’m sorry, but this is just plain wrong.  It’s a common misconception, but it’s still incorrect.  Alcoholism is a disease and can therefore be studied and researched like any other disease, backed by evidence and facts.  What you said has been proven incorrect over years and years of scientific research and clinical studies.

Post # 91
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@sillysillybee:  This is one of the most amazing and profound posts I’ve ever read on the Bee (#87).  I’m filled with admiration for you at overcoming and coping with your addiction.  Standing.  Applauding.

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@wretchedforest:  ((HUGS)) I wish you all the best.  I can’t imagine how hard this must be.  Please take care of yourself, first and foremost, and please keep us updated. 

Blessings.

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