(Closed) My Fiance is an Alcoholic

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

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@wretchedforest:  Hi there, I’m so glad you’re going to face this head on.  I hope that he wants to save your relationship and get some help to become sober.

I hope you come back and update us!  Good luck   xoxo

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@tangentialbee:  dude – wtf.  It is not needy to call around to track down your life partner when he’s been gone, with no contact, for many hours after he was supposed to come home, knowing he has an alcohol abuse and drunk driving problem.  Sheesh.

Post # 93
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Good luck, OP! I wish you and your fiance clear minds and hearts in your discussion!

@sillysillybee, thank you for sharing your story! Congrats on your sobriety!

Post # 94
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@lolot:  Well that is your belief. I can see why it was used. I said the behavior may have been warranted but was clearly not helpful. Anyhow the OP has moved on so why haven’t you?

Post # 95
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that people are responding to calling the OP “needy” because that’s generally an offensive term. When I read that sentence “Why are you being so needy” my immediate response was “whoa, dude! rude!” Standing up for somebody who’s OBVIOUSLY in a vulnerable situation (putting this “secret” out to a community) is the right thing to do, in my book.

Post # 96
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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@wretchedforest:  Thanks for the UPDATE.  Glad to see you have taken the advice here to heart, and will be making a plan (still think tho you shouldn’t make this “burden” yours alone… when there is professional help out there waiting for you to call upon it FREE of charge.   Al-Anon is truly amazing)

I wish you all the best in this difficult journey (( HUGS ))

— — —

TO

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@tangentialbee:  – Why am I not surprised that you’d be so vocal in your support of SUBTLEBEE…

Afterall you are the ONLY TWO posters on this topic that have turned the situation around and BACK ONTO the OP and making the PROBLEM hers …

By telling her she is NEEDY…

When what she truly wants is nothing but the best for her partner (looking out for his welfare, trying to find out if he is ok, make sure he isn’t drinking & driving, etc)

And yet BOTH OF YOU are the first to suggest she become even more invasive and “take” him for treatment

What a load of BS

(In that the first thing they tell you about folks with a Drinking Problem is you can’t make them do anything… they have to do it for themselves.  Period)

Seriously.  You guys haven’t a clue !! 

She has enough to deal with on her plate… she doesn’t need you heaping  judgement & blame on her too !!

 

Post # 97
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@This Time Round:  &  @SweetMelissa429:  Thank you!!  I know that in reality he’s just started to battle the disease, but I have complete faith in him.  He’s already learned so much about himself that he didn’t know before, and that I didn’t know either!  We recently learned that he has an addictive personality in general (i.e. he gets addicted to things easily).  He also is not emotionally aware at all.  He hasn’t been able to identify his feelings even as he feels them.  So he turned to alcohol “to make the feeling go away.”  I asked him if it was “to feel better” and he said, “No, just different.  I wanted to feel different, not necessarily better.”  That was a shocking revelation!  It’s also very hard for him to understand other people’s feelings and motivations since he’s not in touch with his own.  So we’ve had lots of fights in the past where he didn’t understand why I felt differently than him, it would frustrate him, and he’d check out.  So much that’s happened over the years is finally making sense!

Anyway, I don’t want to highjack the OP’s thread.  It just struck so close to home because I almost wrote the exact same post 3 weeks ago.  I am so lucky and blessed that my fiancé chose to get help.  That’s more than half the battle, and tons of people never even get that far!  Thank you for your support.  Reading through this thread really solidified for me that I made the right decision.

— — —

@wretchedforest:  I’m so happy to hear that you’ve identified some of your boundaries and are going to share them with your fiancé.  This is a great first step!!  Back in November, my fiancé had a really bad “incident” and ended up driving home drunk.  I went to a therapist, told her everything I could about the situation, and she told me that it sounded like addiction.  She recommended the out-patient clinic where my fiancé is now.  I asked her back then, can’t he just go see a therapist?  Why does he need to do something as drastic as a clinic (which by the way is a huge time commitment.  He goes 5x a week for a total of 15 hours per week).  She said no, therapy would not help him.  He needs to address the addiction first.  Well, I came home and told my fiancé to check himself into the clinic or I was leaving him.  We talked again 12 hours later and he told me he refused to go to the clinic, but that he was willing to go to a therapist.  I figured that was better than nothing, even though I knew my own therapist didn’t recommend it.

Well to make a long story short, 4 months later his own therapist told him he had an addiction and that he should go to the same clinic I told him about 4 months earlier.  His therapist said that he had been taking a softer approach with my fiancé because he didn’t want to scare him off.  This week, my fiancé thanked his therapist for taking that approach.  He said he probably would have walked out the door that first meeting and never returned if the therapist had diagnosed him then.  My fiancé needed more time, he needed to make more mistakes, before he finally realized for himself that he had a serious problem.

So although counseling/therapy may not be the best option, it can lead to the best option eventually.  I applaud you for setting boundaries with your fiancé.  Now you just need to stick to them!  If he crosses the boundary, you need to carry through with what you say you’ll do.  Otherwise, you are enabling him and allowing the disease to progress (if he does, in fact, have the disease).

Good luck and keep us updated!  You have my thoughts and prayers.  Also, Al Anon is very non-judgmental.  I understand first-hand how embarrassing it can be to go and pour your heart out to complete strangers.  But they will encourage and support you more than you know.  You don’t even have to talk.  You can just go listen.  I was very anti-Al Anon for a long time.  My mom told me about it months ago and recommended I go.  But I didn’t listen.  Now I kind of wish I had.  Tons of Bees mentioned Al Anon to you because it is made to help you and others through this exact situation.  In case you don’t go, let me tell you one last powerful fact:

YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!

Post # 98
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

<< double post >>

see below…

 

Post # 99
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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@Christy42213: AMEN.

Agree 100% Al-Anon can be amazing… and as you say, you don’t even have to share… just going and listening can be a positive thing / enlightening.

And, I cannot name one person who has had to deal with disease who hasn’t felt embarrassed by it.

It is a HUGE step to come forward (which is WHY in my posts I always commend people here on WBee for sharing their stories… as it does take COURAGE)

YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT!

The FIRST thing they tell you in Al-Anon. By far the best info you’ll ever get.

And what they say in both AA & Al-Anon… the important thing is reaching out and taking that first step.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 100
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

PLEASE postpone this wedding until you guys can get him help (if he’s willing) and make a level-headed decision.  DO NOT get married with these doubts.  It will not get better, trust me!  If you think cancelling the wedding or postponing will be hard, think of how hard it would be to end a marriage.  You may be able to get money back for certain things or sell your gown.  But, after you have had showers and people have bought gifts/spent more money, it feels worse.  Then you have the whole insecurity of being a divorce statistic and you become depressed because you are miserable in the marriage but too embarrassed to leave.  I’m not saying to end it.  He hasn’t cheated or beated, as far as I know.  Maybe his habit can be helped.  Is he drinking everyday?  If he’s only drinking once every two weeks, that’s not horrible, but he does need to come home! 

Post # 101
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@Sunfire:  Thank you. 

Post # 102
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
Post # 103
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@wretchedforest:  Any update? I have been thinking of you over the weekend and I do hope your conversation with him went okay the other night. Has he admitted he may have a problem at all?

Post # 105
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@wretchedforest:  Amazing news, very happy to hear this.  Best of luck to you!

Post # 106
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Is this someone you want to be the father of your chidren? An unpredictable, absent man?

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