(Closed) My fiancé is more turned on by fantasies than me.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible at all. If neither party can compromise and be happy then I’m not sure how this relationship can be salvageable. You are trying to guilt trip him about his sexual preferences which is wrong. And he seems insensitive to your needs and desires judging by the text. Sex is an important part of a relationship and you two don’t seem compatible.

Post # 4
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

I actually don’t understand why you think you aren’t enough….sounds like he’s fantasizing about you, what’s wrong with that?

If you don’t like the things he’s into, like being a sub, then this could get complicated for you, maybe you’re not capatable, but IMO he’s not doing anyting wrong. If he was fantasizing a lot about someone else and never you, then I could see the problem.

Have you ever tried some of the things he’s into? sure you won’t like it? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but could be a case of don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

 

Post # 5
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry if this seems obvious, I’m just a bit confused… Why can’t you do both? 

Post # 6
Member
7900 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I don’t see you two as being sexually compatible at all. That may not seem like a big thing now, but if it has almost caused you to break up more than once, it is a bigger issue than you want to admit. I have to wonder if it is a good idea for the two of you to get married when this will ALWAYS be an issue between you. He isn’t wrong for wanting what he wants, and you aren’t wrong for wanting what you want,  but you will both always struggle with being fulfilled by the other. I’d do more than counseling; I’d re-evaluate the entire relationship.

Post # 7
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Wait, he fantasizes about being inside of you and that turns you off and makes you believe that you’re not good enough for him? 

Sigh. 

The whole shaming him for what he is truly turned on by is not good Bee, I’m sure you already know that. What REALLY turns people on is kinda involuntary so compatibility here is an issue. His kinks are not your kinks. YOUR kinks are not his kinks either. No one’s at fault. 

If you’re really gonna try premarital counseling I’d definitely seek advice from a sex therapist, not just any therapist. Or if you were reeeeally going for it I’d look into finding a Kink Aware Professional or a Kink friendly therapist. Just google it. You do NOT want someone who will have issues of their own working through those AND yours. 

Post # 8
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

1. Snarky answer: If he really wants you to humiliate and degrade him, continue/amp up your berating him for his kinks.  Maybe that’s not exactly the kind of humilation he wants, but when in Rome…

2. Serious answer:  Counselling will not make his fantasies go away, nor will it make your desire for ‘vanilla sex’ (I hate that term!) dissappear.  It may help you both maturely discuss your feelings and problems, but it will not make the problems go away.  I would say prepare for this to be a permanent problem you’re willing to always be in conflict about (possibly with mature coping skills and communication styles from therapy) or be willing to walk away for good. 

Post # 9
Member
9385 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

So.. I’m a bit kinky, and my husband takes vanilla to another level (like, dirty talk is way out of his comfort zone). So I’m speaking with some experience, not exactly your situation but on the I love you but we aren’t perfectly sexually compatible.

things to know

A kink/fetish is not the same as you not being enough. He does not want other women to be doing these things to him, just you. Still, certain things turn him on.. Just like certain things turn you on. Let’s say you got turned on when a guy kisses you from neck to knee, making you beg before he touches any genetalia (a pretty standard, mild, form of submissive sex play). And let’s say he found doing that had zero sexual payoff for him.. Or was even a turn off. Would you say he wasn’t enough… Or just that you wished he would do certain things for you? thats what he’s dealing with.

 in that situation you would hope to find a compromise.. Maybe he can do a similar act that isn’t quite as effective, but is still sexually gratifying, or maybe he can suck it up and focus on pleasing you.. It depends on just how distasteful he finds the act. Similarly, try to find things you can enjoy (or at least handle) that works for him

i think it’s important for both parties to have reasonable expectations. There are certain things you won’t do and never will, and he needs to accept that and leave that to his porn/fantasies (eg cuckolding, maybe some stuff involving feces, whatever else he may be in to that makes you want to puke..) but you also need to try a bit, if you want to make this work.

One idea: Get some thigh high boots to wear with your lingerie. Tell him when he gets home from work to strip naked and scrub the floors till they sparkle. (Who doesn’t want free cleaning labor? Seriously if that works you’ve hit the jackpot)

 

Post # 10
Member
9071 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

“Tell him when he gets home from work to strip naked and scrub the floors till they sparkle. (Who doesn’t want free cleaning labor? Seriously if that works you’ve hit the jackpot)”

Now I’m daydreaming about getting my husband to actually do the dishes. Too bad he’d just look at me funny.

Post # 11
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
MrsHarryDresden :  I believe she was saying that when he told her he was fantasizing about being inside her it made her feel good because it was a comment about her, rather than something kink related.  Rereading the text message clarifies it.

Post # 12
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Re-reading your posts I am under the impression that the problem isn’t that you like soft sex while he likes rough sex, but that you need reassurance before, during and after sex; while he is more of an actions, not words guy.

It seems that you enjoy when he says he wants YOU (which can be a way of dirty talking), but you resent him because when you are having sex he probably doesn’t say (verbally or non verbally) “I like having sex with you”, but rather “I like having sex”. So you miss the “with your part”.

Him, on the otherside is probably longing for the same. Submission and manipulation is actually a form of wanting the other person so much that you want him/her to treat you as they pleasee (it involves trust and intimacy in your partner). So in a sense his fantasy is also being wanted by you so much that he gives you all his will just to have your attention.

I do not believe in 100% vanilla. I think everyone has sexual fantasies but sometimes they are to shy or scared to say them outlout or even admit them to themselves. In your case, you fantasize about him desesperately and passionately wanting you. Have thought about telling him that? Maybe he will understand it better in a language he understands?

I propose this, next time you are to have sex tell him “my fantasi is that you want me so bad that you can’t get enough of me, that you want me with such passion that all you can think and do is me”, and let him fullfill you. Maybe this will help you feel less “unwanted”. 

Post # 13
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m sorry.  I’ve been in some relationships where we were completely incompatible sexually and it was miserable.  I stuck it out way longer than I should have because I couldn’t imagine leaving.  Now looking back I can’t imagine staying as long as I did. 

Post # 14
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
silvalia :  you’re totally right. I had to reread that part after your message to see what you meant.

OP: scratch the first sentence off my previous comment then. 

Post # 15
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

You’re saying you don’t feel “good enough” because his sexual fantasies are different than yours, but couldn’t he be feeling the exact same way? It’s not that either of you isn’t enough, it’s just that you have different preferences. 

The topic ‘My fiancé is more turned on by fantasies than me.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors