(Closed) My Fiance is so depressed…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry. 🙁

This isn’t meant to be mean, but depression is such a “selfish” thing. Being a person who has dealt with it my whole life, I admit that it is. When a person is depressed, they are reflected inward without a very good awareness of the outside world. The depression is all and everything.

As someone on the outside being worried about someone going through this, I don’t think there is a lot you can do. You can talk and talk and talk and talk, but until someone is ready to turn their attention outside of themselves, there is no “special tactic” that will work.

You can keep trying different things little pokes here and there to see if it will get things in the right direction such as planning dates and then kind of…. telling him that he is going.

I think one of the biggest things to worry about though….. is yourself. It’s very easy to put so much effort into helping someone who is going through a hard time that you end up letting go of yourself and become unhappy because of the burden you have to bear.

So go ahead and try to be supportive, without nagging. You could try to act as if it’s normal, you could try expressing how you are struggling, you could try asking him what you can do. There are a lot of different things to do and say, but their effectiveness really depends on him.

Post # 4
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

awe I’m sorry!  Take the games away!  HE needs to see the need for a job and make an effort to get one.  Maybe he’s burnt out.  But if your working your tail off to make ends meet it’s not fair.  Help him to see the light.

If it comes down to it, seek free counseling.  Sometimes that helps.  Reassure him that he can get a job and you are trying to support him, but he needs to see that he can’t keep going on like this.  It’s not healthy.  IT could be the divorce too and now he’s scared so you need to reassure him of your love.

Best of luck!

Post # 5
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Depression is such a tricky thing. Would he be open to counseling? 

Post # 6
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

It might help to give him a list of honey do’s to do daily while you are at work. One of those honey do’s might be to apply for jobs online. Since you have online access, he would have access to online newspapers and job banks. We have a program called work source here in Washington. Maybe you have something like that where you live. They offer jobs and classes for displaced and unemployed workers. Also, our unemployment offices offer classes; maybe yours does too. He needs to have something to do besides playing games all day. Start him out slow, and hopefully soon, he will take initiative and start doing things on his own. Set him up with a schedule too for the to do list. It should help him stay focused. When you get home compliment him on the good things he has accomplished and encourage him to do a little more each day. Other than that, if you have access to conuseling for him, that would also probably be helpful.

Post # 7
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Give him a small list of things to do.  Encourage him to talk to a counselor.  I’m sure there are resources out there that are cheap or free if needed.  I’m very sorry, this economy makes people undermine their own abilities and mental fortitude.

Post # 8
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I like the list of to do’s. He needs to feel successful again and like a contributing adult to the household. I was depressed for a while and FH devoted a little time to helping me out of it. He came over everyday for a while and opened up the house got some fresh air in and made me shower and leave the house for silly things. I also agree with pp about depression being selfish. I didn’t even care at the time but now I see how my selfishness was effecting all of us. Good luck and I hope things get better! Depression is so sucky!

Post # 9
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You need to talk to him. It’s situational depression–which isn’t like a chemical imbalance induced depression. Talk to him about how he needs to man up and stop moping around, that he’s being ridiculous. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s not cool. But you konw what’s not cool? Wallowing in your self pity. Tell him he can start helping around the house, that if he hunts for a job, something will come his way. That playing video games isn’t going to help the situation. Maybe he can take a class at a community college to hone a skill (do SOMETHING for his resume, ya know? something is better than nothing) or start volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.

He needs to know that sitting around feeling bad for himself all day IS selfish. Pity party time is over–he needs to be the catalyst in his own life and you need to let him know that.

It’s not even depression–it’s a pity party. Look, my husband went through one, too. He got a few months and then i was on his ass about finding a job–about how it wasn’t air to me, for all my paycheck, to go to cover his ass if he was just going to sit around playing video games–he started cleaning, cooking, repairing things, going to the grocery store, etc. And, most importantly, job hunting. Does he have a shitty job now? Yes. Is he grossly overqualified? Yes. But someone here told me it’s easier to get a job once you have a job–so encourage him to apply for and take anything.

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