(Closed) My Fiance is still married…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I see no correlation between his long legal divorce and you falling out of love. Are you you arent unfairly blaming something for your change of feelings?

i see no real problem still going through a divorce while you are engaged, as long as its settled before your wedding date.

Maybe you could ask him to call his lawyer to find out when he is expected to get this letter?

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Have you been through a divorce? Divorces, even ones you want, are long processes, and emotionally hard. Someone you once loved and shared a life with is now no longer legally tied to you. It can be both logistically hard and emotionally hard. Even if he loves you dearly.

Its hard to get a whole story from the internet, but from the little you have said it just sounds like its going a bit slow, but its going. And its likely to go slower without lawyers to expedite it.

I still dont really see the problem. Frustrating yes, but as of yet no major problem. 

Post # 6
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Divorce is not an easy process and it takes some time to get all that stuff together – I honestly don’t think he would have asked you to marry him if he did not plan on following through with the divorce so it sounds like he is a procrastinator more than anything. That being said he should at least understand where you are coming from on this and be able to tell you what happening with it. I would be uneasy about the whole thing but i don’t know if i would give up. What is his relationship with his ex like?

Post # 8
Member
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation.  I’m sure that it is very painful and frustrating for you.  What you are describing is just one of many reasons why I personally believe that anyone who is not divorced should not even be dating someone, let alone proposing to her. 

I do understand that very few bees will agree with me on this, but I think it’s important to realize that, values and morals aside, when you begin to date someone who is still married, you are in for a long, painful, bumpy and frustrating road that may never lead to where you want to go.  And, even if it finally does, you may wish you had not taken the trip. A married man (and separated is still, technically, married), regardless of his very strong emotions for you and his lack of feelings for his estranged spouse, is not truly in a position to pursue a relationship — free and clear — with another person. 

Of course, only you are able to decide what you want to do with your own life.  However, I personally think it may be wise for you to step back and to focus on your own life right now and allow this man to sort through his own issues.  If and when his divorce is final, and if you are not in a new relationship by then, then perhaps you could consider the possibility of a future with him — one that is not hindered by his ties — legal and otherwise — to his current marriage.

Post # 9
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds like your Fi isn’t being as proactive as you like. If it isn’t a bitter divorce they aren’t fighting over custody,property, or money, it should have been handled long ago. Lawyers cost money, but they also get it done faster and easier because they know the process well. I know a lot of couples who separate but are too lazy to go through with paying the fees and figuring out the paper work.

Sit down with your fi, talk to him about the status of his divorce and your feelings. Let him know who it makes you feel that he is still legally entangled with his ex who techinally at this point is still his wife. He should also be concern about that because it can effect him in a variety of ways.

Then if you guys can afford it, find an lawyer to handle it efficiently and quickly, my friend was lollygagging around, and making lots of mistakes, and when he hired a lawyer the whole thing was streamlined and went a heck of lot faster.

I also like to add only you know the pros and cons of staying in this realtionship, trust your instincts. If you feel disrespected and hurt and need to move, then do it. If this is just resulting from frustration and hurt feelings, express this to your Fi so he knows how important this is too, and how much it hurts you.

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

i feel your pain!!!! My Fi is also not yet divorced and same thing, seems to be dragging forever and many days i just dont have the patience and freak out! In my case no kids, but still seems to put it off. I guess advice to us both, give it a deadline, and lots of patience!

Post # 13
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If he knows your feelings and your Fi only response is to get mad, that isn’t cool. Personally I think his behavior is rude and disrespectful. It’s been three years for fuck sakes! Truly you have a lot of patience and he needs t o realize this, I think you been more then fair.

I agree cjfs, if you truly are thinking about leaving and it isn’t a ploy, you need to sit down with Fi and tell him you need to be proactive about getting this divorce, because I can’t spend my life in limbo(baiscally you guys are stuck) waiting to move on with your lives.

Does he also realize if god forbid anything happen to him, and someone had to make choices you can’t do it, nor can his parents, his spouce who is his ex would be in charge. If god forbid anything happens, his assets would be directly in her control, if the kid is a minor his SS would go to her until the kid was eighteen.

Can you guys afford a lawyer? Why doesn’t he have one?

Post # 15
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Brielle:  I agree!

With it all. I have nothing to add, but good luck.

Post # 16
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Divorces, especially those that involve children, can be timely and expensive. Custody issues alone can span years. However, you said that they aren’t really arguing over anything… Which sends up a red flag to me.

I know this isn’t going to go over well here, but have you actually seen any of the paperwork? If it is not a contested divorce, it shouldn’t take 3 years. Is it possible he only started the preceedings after he proposed? That’s a more realistic time frame.

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