(Closed) my fiance isnt holding his family accountable

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It’s important to be aware of how you not being close to your family affects your relationship with others. I am not either but my Darling Husband is close to his. I totally notice how differently we see things when issues come up. Secondly, his family being standoffish about his second marraige could be culturally based. I would ask your Fiance about it. The liklihood of this being about favoring the ex is low. It’s not his families responsibility to make the relationship with you strong. If you don’t like the way things are going then you have the power to do something about it.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”-Maya Angelou

Post # 4
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“now i also know that the grooms parents are supposed to pay for rehersal dinner, honeymoon stuff like that and they arent going to do anything at all i dont even think they are coming which is really offensive”

 

I think maybe you had some expectations that weren’t being realized, so you are hurt on that account.

I would say that first and foremost do not expect anyone else to pay for anything regarding your wedding.  Not even what oldy moldy traditions used to go by, this is a different day and age.  Couples pay for the wedding they can afford.  This is the new expectation.

If someone hasn’t approached you with an offer to help financially, then you simply move forward with what you have in your own bank accounts.  It’s not that someone doesn’t lov eyou enough – heck no one offered to help us!  I’m not upset about it because my expetations are “you’re old enough to get married, then you’re old enough to host your own wedding.”  Perhaps a change of expectations are needed?

I’m sorry you feel like they are favoring his ex.  What gives you this indication?  Do you think you could be exaggerating it based on your unmet expectations of them paying for certain things?  Or do they say other things?  Is it simply a language barrier?

Post # 5
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Maybe in your country or your culture certain things are paid by the grooms family, have you checked to see if that is the custom in you Fiance family, country or culture. Also I would recommend you take another approach if you want to establish a good relation with your inlaws, it seems you do not have the best attitude towards them.

Post # 6
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would love if my fiancee family would just covered they’re own expenses nvm all that traditional bull. Have you thought of taking a Spanish class so you can bridge that gap instead of just getting mad at them.

Post # 7
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 1994

Even staying with “tradition” if the tables were turned and you were being married for the second time, your family wouldn’t be expected to pay for the wedding.  I realize that they aren’t for the first either (other than your ex step mother) but if they did pay for a first, it wouldn’t be for a second.  Perhaps his parents already did this once for their son.  I’ve always been under the impression the first time people do what they can and the second you are definitly on your own.  Although, I would say it doesn’t dismiss the fact they won’t be at the wedding.  However, will their attending the wedding cost them travel expenses?  I don’t mean to pry into personal money situations, but considering the economic problems many are facing maybe they can’t afford it.  They should at least tell you that though so you don’t take it personal.

From my own personal experience I can tell you… been married twice.  First time in 1987, big wedding, but my parents paid for the reception and that was all.  I paid all other expenses, dress, service, flowers, photographer, invitations and anything else that I needed to pay for etc.  His parents paid for nothing, not rehearsal dinner even.  I felt a bit wierd not having one for my party, but at that point I was tapped out, making minimum wage at 21 well it’s hard to put on a party at that income level! hah  Well as it turns out the marriage didn’t last long, and looking back wish I had taken up my fathers offer of the cash and eloping! 

I married my second, current and last husband in 1994.  It was his second wedding also.  Sure we would have loved to have had a big wedding like we both did for our first, but we could barely afford a set of rings and the minister.  We had less than 20 people, outside in a park with a nice fountain on the 4th of July.  No invites, no photographer other than those with 35 mm cameras in the family, no dress or tux.  We both wore shorts and I dressed up a white top with some applique’s from the fabric store.  We refused to “go into debt” for one day, and that is something that has served us well by being financially savy.  We reap the rewards of it 18 years later!

Post # 8
Member
3501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Personally I would be more worried that your Fiance isn’t telling you the real reason his family are not coming. I’d prefer to know the truth even if its hurtful than to have someone make up excuses. At least that way I can work out my options.

you need to talk openly and honestly with your Fiance about the situation with his family. If they don’t like you find out why….and do whatever is in your power to make it better…not just for you but for your Fiance as well.

His family situation may seem a smallish problem now…but can turn into something  big further into your marriage. Whatever you do….don’t make your Fiance feel he needs to choose between you and his family….that causes lots of resentment. You need to support your Fiance and let him know you are on the same page when it comes to his family.

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