(Closed) My “fiance” just called off the wedding :(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well the reality is he can’t afford it and has decided not to pay for it. So if I were you I’d talk to him about what he wants to do as far as actually getting married.

Post # 4
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with moderndaisy. Ask what he wants to do, even if it’s a small courthouse wedding. He’s obviously stressed out over the money issue and it’s not fair for either of you to spend that much money if you just don’t have it–so ask him what’s up and where you’re going from here.

Post # 5
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know it hurts and you are probably dreading telling your family, but he IS being really responsible! It’s a much better idea to enter into a wedding/marriage debt-free or close to it rather than shouldered with $25,000 in debt like he says he has. He doesn’t seem to be saying he doesn’t want to marry you, just that right now he can’t afford a wedding. Your best bet is not to blow up at him or try to make him feel guilty, but just explain to him that this caught you off guard and is there anything you can do to help? Maybe he’d go to the courthouse to get married and then, in a couple years when his debt is paid off, have the “grand” wedding your family expects?

Post # 6
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Sounds like there’s been a lot of pressure on him from your family with respect to his paying for the wedding.  I don’t blame him for getting a little resentful.  If your parents won’t shoulder even a little of the cost of a wedding then they really have no say in how “grand” the wedding is or isn’t.  I would talk to him right away.  It doesn’t sound like he’s breaking up with you, it sounds like he’s increadibly frustrated at the situation and very resentful of your family and has reached a bit of a breaking point.  It sounds like if you want to marry this man you are going to have to compromise.  Maybe a small, intimate ceremony as planned and a “grander” reception/party at a later time when the two of you have saved up enough money?

Post # 7
2739 posts
Sugar bee

It’s a wedding. You know, you can do it in three years after he’s out of debt and now has the money. If you were only having 50 guests I don’t know how much more you can cut it if your family is a lot already. Why don’t you guys get married in a courthouse, I know it will be a blow to your family but as it is, it seems he feels some sort of resentment towards them, and then later do a bigger wedding? That’s my take. Trust me, when it comes to money, job etc, that’s where a lot of guys get their egos from. It seems his is pretty down right about now.

Post # 8
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your family needs to understand that he obviously can’t pay for what your family is asking for. A courthouse wedding could be the way for you two to go right now. I wouldn’t necessarily say he is breaking up with you, but just that he’s trying to let you know he can’t pay for this and then end up in bigger debt.

Post # 9
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Hmmmm, he keeps mentioning your family and their ‘wants’.  What do YOU want? 

Post # 10
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

he sounds pretty angry about pressure from your family, etc… and he doesn’t seem too apologetic, so I think there may be more than just the financial aspect here.  maybe he feels overwhelmed by the feeling of disappointing you.

Post # 11
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i don’t think he’s sounding like he wants to break up at all. i think he’s just trying to let you know the pressure he’s feeling and honestly i commend him for thinking forwardly about what the cost of the wedding is going to do for your future. it sucks that he has debt with bad interest rates but he’s doing his best. you need to be there for him and do what you can to help shoulder the burden – i don’t know your situation but it seems pretty unfair in this day and age for him to have to foot the entire bill for some super grand affair that YOUR family expects. even if you didn’t tell your family you were helping, and paying for part of it on the sly it would help. this is just one day, and should be treated as such. we all get wrapped up in the fun and stress and expenses of this one day but the reality is, you’re making a commitment and this “one day” is hindering what he sees as his ability to keep his commitment to you. i think you guys need to rehash the budget and possibly the timeline so that you both have more time to save up and it will take off some of the pressure. 

Post # 12
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State



I’m still stuck on the part about seeing each other twice a year?  How does that work?

I guess I don’t know how a relationship can really build with so little in person contact.  Do you feel like you really know him well enough at this time to marry him?

I do agree with the others, he sounds angry & it sounds as if he feels pressured & manipulated.  I think if I were in your place, I’d be working on arranging an in person meeting with him to hash this all out.

Post # 14
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

To me it sounds like postponing the wedding, not breaking up or completely cancelling it.  I understand him wanting to pay down his debt before getting married and possibly having more debt.  Is it possible that you two could have a small inexpensive wedding first and then have a big bash later when you can afford it?  I think the two of you just really need to talk.  Long distance is hard enough and with poor communication, it’s nearly impossible.  Good luck.

Post # 16
2495 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

My Fiance and I did not get engaged before we did for similar reasons, and while we decided to wait and postpone our wedding, I am REALLY glad we did.  It took a LOT of pressure off of us to pay for a wedding we really couldn’t pay for at the time.

I would definitely talk to your Fiance right away and ask him to clarify things for you.  Is this breaking up?  Is this postponing the wedding?  Would he be open to a courthouse wedding?  Would you move to be with him/him to you if you did go forward with an inexpensive wedding when you had originally planned on getting married?

Whatever you do, try to be as supportive as possible!  He sounds very stressed out and under a lot of pressure.  I agree with whoever said that a lot of men find their egos/identity through working and providing.  Make sure he knows that you are willing to help however you can to get through this!

Good luck!!  Keep us posted… we’ll be here!

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