(Closed) My fiance left me last night, over the phone [long]

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Since you explicitly asked for no comments all I have to say is that I hope everything works out for the best.

Post # 4
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

*hug*

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

First I’d say to take it day by day.  If you know you want to be back with him, keep the lines of communication open.  That said, it seems to me that he’s been pulling away from you for a long time now, so I’m not so sure that he’s willing to get back with you.  You said he said he’s not sure if he loves you or not anymore.  Two years into our roughly 4 year relationship, my college boyfriend said the same thing to me – and never really changed his mind back.  Perhaps it will be different for you.

I think he needs to work through his issues he has before he considers getting married again.  I don’t think it’s that he needs to have those issues fully resolved, but it sounds like they are affecting a lot of things and that needs to be his priority now.  I would not rush to get married, buy a house this summer as you suggested.

I hear you that you made a huge effort from him and wanted to see something back from him in return.  Unfortunately, the reason he needed that effort was because he was incapable  of making any effort for you – or that’s my read of your story. 

Lastly, I’m totally confused how you save money by moving out of the home with his family.  To me it really seems backwards.

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I hope that however you eventually decide you want this to turn out it does.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think he’s a jerk or anything like that… but he is INCREDIBLY broken. The life he’s experienced to this point as just damaged his heart so much. With that though it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to love you with the kind of love that makes a marriage work.

I would definitely advise to not marry him at this point.. but continue loving & pouring into him who he REALLY is.. who he was MADE to be and not who the enemy is telling him he is!

I am so sorry you’re experiencing this.. I know the feeling of a broken engagement… and the fact that your heart physically aches for that person… but I couldn’t ever advise to work out a relationship headed for marriage with someone that needs a heart healing of their own before they could ever even truly love another.

I will definitely add this to my list and keep you, your heart, and your former Fiance in my prayers.. That Jesus would invade you both and show himself true to being Jehovah Shalom…. leaving yours and his heart whole and healed to a state that you two may never have even known… Him for sure, that he would be made whole into the man that God made him to be and not who this world has made him through what it’s done to him! Jehovah Shalom = “nothing missing nothing broken”

((hugs))

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m so sorry 🙁

I definitely don’t think he’s an asshole, I feel like he has some demons he needs to work out. If you two do end up staying together couples counseling would be something to seriously consider. Again, I’m so sorry.

Post # 8
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

🙁  I’m sorry hun.

Post # 9
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am very sorry! I wish I could fix this for you. I know you are hurting. I don’t think he is a bad man just broken. I know from experience that broken people aren’t emotionally safe people to be in a relationship with. Your heart takes such a beating and the sad part is I don’t think they even intentional try to hurt you.  It sounds like he has been dealt a rough hand thru no fault of his own.  My heart really breaks for you both.  I will pray for his healing and that God will ease your pain. HUGS*

Post # 10
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

First, he’s not an asshole. He has problems that run so deep he cannot separate them from his feelings for you, and the relationship. It sounds like he has a lot to sort out, and the best advice I can give is to give him space. Don’t disappear from his life because I think that could be disastrous for him. I’m not a shrink but I cannot help but wonder if the time you were living together, if he was struggling with his inner demons and somewhere inside felt that putting up a small wall would serve him better?? I don’t think he meant to make you feel the way you did when you were together.

Second, I can see why he is telling you that he doesn’t want to keep the relationship going and that you would be happier without him. In his eyes, he probably sees himself in a much darker view, that he most likely would not admit to. He has a lot to deal with and maybe letting him know that while you may not be together as a couple for now, you’d like to be there for him and offer support, but you’re going to also be giving him some space to think things through. To know that you are loved, and wanted even when you push people away, it can mean a lot to someone who has a lot of inner demons to deal with.

I will keep you and him in my prayers. Know that what is meant to be and what is not, will not. Prepare your heart for the worst, but hold out for the best.

Post # 11
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

One of my friends married a very broken man and he is doing a lot better now. It took MANY MANY years for him to be whole enough for it to work, but they have a lovely marriage and life now.

 

So, it is possible for it to work out.

 

All the best to you.

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

::hugs::

Post # 13
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m so sorry that this is happening, but as others have said it’s better that it’s happening now. I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 5 years total. We got engaged after 2.5 then I broke it off after almost another year (after all the deposits were made on the wedding) then we went back to dating for another 1.5 years before I broke it off for good. He had some mental baggage and was bipolar, had tried to commit suicide a few times, depressed, etc. He had hit me, come after me with a knife, got a DUI, threatened to kill himself any time I tried to end it, He was a genuinely good guy, but he had emotional problems when he wasn’t taking his meds. but there was just too much for me to deal with.  I had many of the same thoughts that it sounds like you are having. You don’t want to give up on it, you want to care for him, etc. I can tell you that I was 100% happier when I broke it off. I too worried about wasting so much time and having to start from scratch, but not too long after I met my current bf and realized what love was really like and how a relationship should be. I feel like an equal and like he could emotionaly take care of me instead of always having it be the other way around – that is what you deserve. I thought my ex was the love of my life too – there is a better man out there for you!

Post # 14
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

All Im going to say is Im so sorry your hurting!! Hes not an ass and I sincerely hope that things for the both of you work out for the best!! *hugs*

Post # 15
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@Former Future Mrs. C:

Is he actively getting help for his mental issues?  Therapy? On a good medicine regime?

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like he has issues that need to be worked through before he can be in a stable relationship. He owed it to you to try to work them out first and you can’t be his therapist. Hopefully he will realize this and feel motivated by the possibility of a future with you, but please don’t get your hopes up just in case. If he isn’t willing to work on this then trust me you don’t want to be with him anyway.

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