Post # 1
I’m writing this as a lost man. My fiance told me two days ago that she wanted to call off the engagement and spend some time apart. I was blindsided.
We have fought three times since she moved in and none of it major. We always made up and kept an open line of communication, telling each other everything. It was only this past week that I noticed that she was acting different. I’ll try to give as much detail as I can so any advice you have will come knowing everything.
She is ten years younger than me and in college. We met online and have been together for three years now. She moved in with me just over a year ago and we’ve been engaged since the beginning of June.
When we sat and talked, she told me she was tired of doing the same things over and over. That she knew what I was going to do and say before I did it. Knew how her day was going to go before she even woke up in the morning. She wants to go out and meet new, different people so she can have stories like her coworkers and I do. I tried explaining to her that I’d trade all my stories to just be with her but she doesn’t understand. I get wanting to go out and explore, make memories, but when that comes at the expense of leaving the one you love (she told me numerous times she still loves me and it is nothing I’ve done), I cannot grasp that. She wants to go on dates because it sounds exciting and I’m almost all she has known. I think I am only her third relationship.
She has no where to go. She moved out from her mom’s house to live with me and her move picked up and moved back to her home state. So she is currently living in the guest room here. It hurts so much seeing her but I can’t kick her out because she has no where to go and I don’t think she could afford anywhere with her salary.
I moved here to be with here and I’m a thousand miles away from any real friends. She only has a few friends despite growing up here. I always said that we needed out personal time to do the things we wanted but we never really did that due to the lack of friends.
I know the old saying “if you love something, let it go. If it comes back…” but I’ve done that before when we had a lull in our relationship. But that was early on when we were not engaged and happily living together. I was a mess that time because I knew she was the one. She has called me her person for the past two years now. Said we were made for each other. I’ve never had a connection with anyone as strong as this. I know I can’t make her stay. I just love her so much and don’t want to lose her and what we have. We’ve talked about our future. Getting married in 3-5 years. Moving to another state to set up our new life together. Starting a family. Even naming our future babies. I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 2
Sorry this happened to you, it sounds like she is just too young and immature for a serious relationship. The fact that this is the second time you are breaking up in 3 years should be a sign that this isn’t actually the perfect relationship you think it is.
Maybe it would be best for you to move back to your previous city where you have a support network?
Post # 3
Honestly, I think she’s making the right choice. You said she’s in college… so it sounds like she’s young (under 25?) and she wants the experience of dating around, meeting new people, having that freedom to become a self-sufficient person. You say you’d trade your stories for her but you got to have those experiences. I wouldn’t trade that time in my life for extra years with my husband – it wasn’t always fun but it was formative to who I am as a person. Living with a guy ten years my senior with some vague idea about getting married in 3-5 years would have felt like a dead end to me at that age, too. If you’re renting and she’s been paying rent, you can’t kick her out without notice (this might be true even if she isn’t contributing – check the eviction laws in your state). Either way, she sounds determined and I bet she’ll figure it out on her own.
I don’t think you should take this personally but just be happy that she figured out what she wants before you actually started to plan a wedding.
Post # 4
I’m in the get her out of your house and life camp.
Post # 5
She sounds way too immature to be getting married and honestly I think she’s doing you a favor. Count your blessings you didn’t marry this girl and THEN she pulled this stunt.
I would honestly want her to move out, unless you plan on moving back to your previous city. (I know you said you moved for her.) You cannot continue to live under the same roof and honestly, if she has nowhere to go, that’s not your problem. You’re only hurting yourself more by living with her and you’re sabotaging your ability to move on; plus it sounds like she’s getting to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to “explore life” AND gets to continue to reap the benefits of having someone around who loves her enough to look after her well-being and support her financially.
She’s taking you for a ride, my friend, and you need to nip that shit in the bud right now.
Post # 6
I think she just wants to go out and live life and she is obviously young and so there is some value to that. I don’t know why she feels that can’t be done together but she obviously feels she has settled down too young. This is not awful, it happens, she probably has and I am sorry for you being caught in the crossfire. This is sadly not the perfect relationship you felt it was and that sucks.
That said – if she wants out – she ought to get out. The fact she has nowhere to go is no longer your problem. She wants to get out and experience life – go for it – it is not all sweetness and flowers and giggles with your mates, the life of a single woman. It is unfair on you her still being there, absolutely. She has made her choice and she should follow through on it.
I wish you all the best.
Post # 7
I have zero sympathy for this girl. Life is what you make it, she is making choices DAILY to not go make new friends to not find an exciting hobby, to not travel or join meet up groups. She is then blaming her lack of an exciting life on you. Oh hell no! If my boyfriend tried to pull that shit I would tell him he is an adult and I am not solely responsible for his happiness. This girl is responsible for having a life that makes her happy. She choose to not make any changes and now thinks she will change her life simply by not being in a relationship?
Something is fishy here. She is perfectly capable of being in a relationship and going out into the world and creating a life, a social life she enjoys. If she doesn’t understand that than she is incredibly immature and not marriage material at this point. Or she is straight up lying to you and she really does specifically want out of the relationship she just isn’t mature enough to come clean about that.
Either way You are better off moving on from her. She needs to learn from her choices. That’s basically what she is saying right? I need to break up with you so I am free to go explore and make bad choices and party. So tell her she needs to get out in a month. She complains? Tell her you are giving her that life experience she so desperately wanted! don’t let her keep living there with you. You’ll be fine, plenty of fish in the sea.
Post # 8
“This girl is responsible for having a life that makes her happy.” – exactly. That’s why she’s breaking it off with this guy, who doesn’t make her happy. She told him specifically that she wants to date other people – it’s pretty clear that she is “mature enough to come clean about that.”
If she posted on here about how she moved in with her fiancé who wants to get married in “3-5 years” and she feels like it’s a dead end, she doesn’t have the life she wants even though she’s in a relationship that seems fine, I bet the consensus here would be that she should leave.
Post # 9
Let her go. You deserve someone who wants to marry you.
Post # 10
So sorry you’re hurting but apparently she’s changed her mind and it was very immature and wrong to lie to you to your face about her feeling for as long as she did. This wasn’t a sudden act on her end. She’s felt that way for a while and she wasn’t going to tell you until she made her mind up that it was over….that was probably when you noticed the change in her behavior.
Let her go. Obviously she isn’t the right one for you. However, you won’t be able to move on while she’s living it up in your place so give her a deadline (60-90 days is generous). She’s grown enough to want to date and live the young life, she’s grown enough to find another place to live. She wants out…..she needs to be OUT! That’s for YOUR well being. To allowing her to live there indefinitely is to do yourself a disservice plus she’s using you at that point. Good luck.
Post # 11
I’m sorry, but at least this didn’t happen after you married. She’s very immature and it’s not your place to raise her. She needs to go back to her mother’s house, otherwise you’re going to find yourself welcoming her dates to your home.
It’s over. Don’t try to save it, she’s too young and inexperienced.
Post # 12
It sounds like she isn’t mature enough for a serious relationship.
Is she on the lease? If she is then you can’t make her leave until the lease is up. You may be able to find someone to sublease for you, though. If she’s not on the lease then she needs to find another place to live ASAP. It’s not your problem that she doesn’t have anywhere else to go and it’s certainly not your responsibility to support her financially. Don’t allow her to use you like that. Look up the eviction laws for your city and send her written notice according to the guidelines.
Post # 13
She is too young to be married and settled as a college student and she has realized that. Frankly, I don’t blame her. I would also have found it confining to be in a serious relationship with a man 10 years my senior as a what? 20 year old? You are in very different places in life and the differences are pretty stark at your ages. That said, you don’t have to provide her with housing while she figures things out. That’s not good for you and will prevent you from moving on. It would be kind of you to give her a hard deadline for moving out — say, a month. She will probably need to move back in with her mother, but, at this point, that’s not your problem.
Post # 14
I think the bees here are being a bit harsh on her. If she is in college, she’s what? Somewhere between 18 and 24? You’re 10 years older than her. You’ve been together for 3 years… so she was somewhere between 15 and 21 when you met… How exactly did you think this was going to play out? You, a grown man who has lived enough life to figure out who you are and what you want in life started dating someone who was barely out of childhood and are expecting her to feel ready to settle into forever with you. Sounds to me like reality is hitting her and she has realised that she isn’t anywhere near ready for “forever” right now – nor should she be. She needs to go out and live life for a while…
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2019 - Premier Ballroom
You say you haven’t had a connection as strong as this and that is why it is so hard to let go. But she doesn’t feel the same way, you can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. You need someone who will value you and love you the way you do them. She is not in love with you anymore. She might want to see you do great and feel great but she does not want to take you by the hand to experience that. She wants to leave and experience life. You might say, who says you can’t do that with the one you love and want to be with forever? But the problem here is she doesn’t want to commit now or maybe not to you, she wants to be single and date whoever she wants, whenever she wants. Sometimes age does matter, especially with a 10 year gap. She is in college, they go to parties and get drunk and kiss everyone (just an example, obviously not everyone does that) and maybe that is what she wants to do. You are years older and maybe you never did that and maybe it never appealed to you but if it ever did you already outgrew it. Hun, she wants out of your life, out of the commitment and you still have her living at the house? No sir. Immature. If she doesn’t want you as a partner, she should not get to pick and choose what she does want from you only because it benefits her. It does not benefit you. You guys aren’t friends, you were engaged and now she wants to break it off, there’s no friendship after that. Give her a month or two to move out! Then if you have the money to move back, I would do that if you feel too lonely. If not, you can go out and make new friends, as hard as it might be but it will be worth it. It is easy for me to say this because I am not in the same situation, but I hope you take all this advice everyone gives you and really think about it. If she really wanted to marry you, she would. I am 20 and I am getting married next year, he is 4 years older. We have been together for about 4 years. I went through college and everything being with him and would not change anything about it. It’s about finding the right person for marriage and she ain’t it.