Post # 1
My fiancé (33) and I (32) have been together for 18 months (engaged after 9) Before “the incident” we had normal relationship problems, def not perfect. One Saturday night, my fiancé went out to a bar alone. I later found out, he had not gone alone, but had met up with a 25 y/o girl friend (an ex student of his brother-they adjunct teach) After I became suspicious, I asked to see his phone and saw he had asked her out. I asked him about it, but he continued to lie. Only when I told him I saw the texts did he come clean. Since then, I found out they saw each other 8 additional times (in a group) in 3-4 weeks, including a time she picked him up from the train station at 2am and drove him home. I know this sounds bad, but i strongly believe he was not cheating with her. I’m sure he loved the attention, but knowing him, he didn’t take it too far. BUT, he lied. Since then, I’ve checked his phone records, looked in his phone, driving myself crazy playing detective (bad) About a month after this happened, he had a 3 hour text convo with his 24 yr old ex and deleted the entire thread. Shady. He has no excuse for any of it. Claims he “didn’t want to get shit for hanging out with a new friend” and has apologized endlessly. Overwhelmingly remorseful.
We are going to counseling today for the first time. I just want to make sure I’m not overreacting if I plan to end the engagement. I just don’t know how I could possibly trust him again, I feel like I don’t even know him.
This is my first time writing, thanks so much in advance.
Post # 2
You are definitely not over reacting. This was not some isolated incident where he bumped into someone and spent the evening catching up. He deliberately set up these meetings and snuck around behind your back. I think you’re overly optimistic about him not cheating on you. Even if he didn’t physically cheat, this is the epitome of emotional cheating and breaking your trust. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Post # 3
I think the term you are looking for is “bye Felicia”. ….
Post # 4
Sorry you are going through this. However, I am not sure how you are 100% he didnt cheat. This screams that he cheated on you. The lying, the sneaking around, just everything about this is bad. So no, i do not believe you are overreacting at all,quite the opposite actually. I would have left him asap.
Post # 5
I would end the engagement. If you want to work through this, go to counseling as boyfriend/girlfriend and see if you can move past this together. Take the engagement off the table. Work on your connection with each other and improving your relationship. If it works out you can get engaged later.
Post # 6
adios amigo. dude sounds shady AF. Don’t sign up for a lifetime of this bullsht….save yourself!
Post # 7
I’m usually a ‘work it out in counseling’ Bee but I wouldn’t bother going to counseling with a habitual liar who frequently seeks the attention of other (younger) women, I’d move on. You were engaged after only 9 months, obviously before you knew who he really is. There are plenty of great guys out there–why sign up for a lifetime of uncertainty and mistrust?
Post # 8
I’m not trying to turn this around. Him lying to you is wrong. But I have to ask are you a jelous person? Has he previosuly told he was meting a female friend and you were not ok with it? Does he flat out lie or just doesn’t tell you things? When he went to the bar did he say “I’m going to a bar alone” or did he just say “I’m going to a bar”?
Hope you get to figure things out at the councelling.
Post # 10
The thing is there doesn’t have to be sex for it to be cheating. What does this woman know about you?
Post # 11
To me, asking another girl out on a date IS cheating. Whether something sexual happened or not… he cheated.
Post # 12
I second bye Felicia – my previous fiance was a dickwad like this. Even if he never physically cheated, he emotionally cheated on me (loving the attention of other girls), I found myself in a similar situation to you, and wasted an entire YEAR of my life trying to piece our lives back together, but NEVER trusted him again, I constantly wanted to look at his phone etc etc….. Here I am 2 years later with my new partner, who is absolutely amazing, and we are trying to have a baby. This was not a “one off”, this was numerous incidents that he premedidated. Beginning of a relationship should be the absolute easiest, add on 10 years of marriage, stress, kids…..
Post # 13
It’s a horrible idea to go to couples counseling with a cheater. At minimum they need at least 6 months of individual counseling to see what’s broken inside of them that makes them betray their Fiance and seek attention from a 3rd party [repeatedly].
But more than that, your Fiance has NOT shown you true remorse at all and went back to his sneaking behavior after the first time you caught him. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you but fool me twice…. that’s on you girl.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
My opinion is that you both didn’t even fully know each other when you got engaged. I’m sorry, but I firmly believe that you cannot know a person 100% in under a year. So maybe now that the rose colored glasses are off, he’s just showing you who he really is. How do you know he wasn’t doing this from the beginning and only fessed up to the things he was caught for? I think I’d walk away.
Post # 15
Only consider counseling when a relationship is worth trying to save. Sorry, but this one isn’t.