Post # 1
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
My fiance never came. It was the shower. He went to his sister’s a year ago though! At the end to have cake and help carry out the gifts.
Since his mother and sister are loony, they were odd from the start. They never came up to me to say hello, I had to go to them… none of them came over to me for pictures… just acted weird and fake.
My fiance decided he’d come at the end, so I called him at the beginning of cake! But his mother and sister left and so the rest of their family followed. It was really weird. They had nowhere else they had to be. It was weird.
So I called my fiance and said cake and coffee is starting, do you want to come now? He said yeah in a minute he’ll be on his way.
Then he calls me back angry saying his sister just called him saying she left and why would I call him after his family left? They left the moment I was done unwrapping gifts!!!
So, tell me, why didn’t his mother or sister call him to come? I called him when I said I would… was I supposed to interrupt gifts and say “everyone, excuse me, I have to call my fiance to come here now!”
They rushed the hell out of there before the end… it was just weird… it’s like, I didn’t even have a chance. And I am so so upset… he never went and now we’re in a huge fight over it. He just keeps saying he can’t stand me, I suppose that’s rather than him saying they weren’t wrong. All my relatives thought it was so weird, even ones that had no idea his family was loony.
I just feel so upset… why’d it have to be this way? Everyone was asking when he’d come, even the waitresses!! I don’t even know why he couldn’t just come on his own…
Post # 3
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
Two things.
First off, I feel for you. Merging families can be tough. Different families have different expectations/traditions. Maybe it is just a simple matter of both of you expecting what you are used to but neither expressing and agreeing upon what you expect.
I notice your wedding date has passed. Are you talking about a bridal shower or baby shower? The reason I ask is that it is my suggestion to work on communication and understanding/accepting differences and compromising. I was going to suggest you do that at premarital couseling or something similar.
Post # 4
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
He’s saying he can’t stand you? That’s mean.
Post # 5
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m not sure of the specifics of everything you are dealing with but I will say him telling you that he can’t stand you is not ok. You had no control over them being the way they were and how he is treating you is unfair. Good Luck.
Post # 6
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
I honestly think I need to call up his mother and just confront her about this but I’m really nervous.. never could have foreseen myself confronting her. wish I didn’t have to, shouldn’t he? I don’t think he ever would though. Or should I really give him a chance to do this? I can’t imagine him saying anything to her though.
Post # 7
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
@yassim: im sorry, but shouldnt you be confronting your fiance as well? he said some very mean things to you…
i think you should speak to him, and he should tell his own family how badly they behaved..
Post # 8
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
@Evie19: oh I’ve been confronting him alright… I’ve let it alllll out to him. However, the dust has not yet settled. I wonder if I should hold off on any confronting of his mother until that point?
Post # 9
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
@yassim: is he unwilling to speak to his family on your behalf?
Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
It’s like he avoids the subject of whether he would or wouldn’t. I doubt he would though, they have him so wrapped around their fingers, they can “do no wrong.” He just throws words at me when I ask him if/when he’s going to. He has even gone as far as offering to put his mother on the phone, which is weird… that is not the way it is to be done. To me that’s the equivalent of saying “I’m not on your side.”
Post # 11
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
@yassim: im sorry but i would advice you to deal with these issues with your fiance before marriage.
ive known many wives having very serious problems because their husbands were so influenced by their families. YOU should be his priority once you are married…not his mother and sister. It doesnt mean he doesnt love them, or has to cut off ties with them…but they should not be in control of him either.
when you get married and have kids…all these issues will just become worse.
Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
Yeah definitely this has to be settled NOW… I just wish I knew how to do it the best way. Because right now I’m very hurt and upset, it’s hard to speak with him calmly, and like I said the dust has not settled yet so we haven’t spoken since last night when I laid it all out for him.
This is also, well, since the engagement, the first time I’ve ever really confronted the issue of his family (as before we were engaged I felt it was not my place), as him siding with them always is not new. I don’t know if this is something that typically has hope or not but I’ve got a couple more months to try and work on things… it just does not seem fair, all the stuff that’s been going on with them.
Post # 13
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
@yassim: Im glad to hear that you are determined to resolve this.
It is a good idea to let some time go so you can speak more calmly. But I cant stress it enough how important it is for you to work on this.
I hope you dont think I am being bossy or telling you what to do…but I have seen first hand how difficult it is for a wife dealing with a husband who is controlled by his family…I really don’t think any wife deserves that…don’t put up with it!
Post # 14
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
It’s you’re place to confront him about being verbally abusive toward you (b/c any time he’s degrading with his words it’s verbal abuse)
And it’s his responsibility to deal with his family…. but it’s very important that his allegience (so to speak) is now with you and not his family. <– this is very very important to be able to create a marriage foundation.
He should always stick by you and side with you… atleast in front of them.. and then talk with you about whatever could have been different on your part.
It’s like my mom told my DH (then FI) when this kinda stuff came up with his family….
“Justin… you could be wrong as the day is long and she’d stand by you… Now she may say different when you two leave and talk about it but infront of me no…”
Have you thought about pre-marital counseling?… even if a relationship doesn’t have “problems” I always think that it’s good… it really gets some open communication open and boundaries of expectations so things like this can get hashed out pre-huge problem =)
Hope all gets worked out soon =)
Post # 15
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
Why didn’t he just come sooner.. as in ..attend like a NORMAL person would, from the beginning of the shower.
It sounds like he is being really irresponsible for his own actions. Like come on dude get your shit together you are a big boy.
Sorry, not trying to be harsh, but I just cannot wrap my head around ADULTS acting like CHILDREN. If he wanted to be there when his family was there, then HE should have taken the adequate steps and made efforts on HIS OWN to ensure that. Now he is just blaming you because he is pissy that he missed his family and his family is pissy because they think that he didn’t attend.
I hope you two can work things out, but this just screams ridiculous (not on your part, but his and theirs).
Also the fact that he would say that he cannot stand you does not sit well with me.
Post # 16
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
@missmouse29: I agree. This seems very silly.
Family is a deal breaker for me, I may not LOVE my Future in-laws but they are nice enough. I couldn’t deal with werid. Imagine yourself leaving your chldren with his mom…
Something else must be wrong, leaving before cake is werid.