(Closed) My fiance never came…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 19
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like there are things going on that need to be talked about. I’m curious about the timeline because you have you wedding date as Jan of 2011?

Post # 21
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m very sorry you’re in this position.

Something that I always suggest doing is writing out a “list”… the breakdown, out in front of you, on paper needs and desires you have in your spouse.

**mine was 2 pages front & back.. my friend laughed & thought I was crazy when I did it 5 years ago…. DH has EVERYTHING on it… so it IS possible to find/have the man that really  meets your needs & desires.

If this man is not the man on your list then this is not the man to marry.

It’s hard enough to have a lasting marriage in this day and age where both parties start out seeing eye to eye and on the same team…. What you gotta ask yourself though is how are you two supposed to stay on the same team though lifes trials if you aren’t even starting on the same team.

Here’s a link that a friend sent to me a few weeks ago… It’s very eye opening to the importance of a man and woman making their allegience to each other as husband and wife to be able to withstand the life long marriage we all hope and work for.

http://www.marriagemissions.com/leaving-your-parentsx-to-cleave-to-your-spouse/

He is going to be married to YOU… not his mother, sister, or any others that make up his family.

I might make it very clear that some things NEED to be taken care of before you’re willing to walk down the aisle and if he’s not willing to do what’s needed to take care of them (counseling… working on communication… etc) then you aren’t willing to marry him…. not b/c you don’t love him but b/c you know that a life time like this is not one that you want for either of you and divorce is NOT something you’re willing to “expect”

I hope you can get some common ground with him on this soon. (((hugs)))

Post # 22
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would not marry someone without doing premarital counseling, and I made it clear to my DH that that’s how it was. Luckily, our church required it, so it was a nonissue.

In any case, if this is a common issue (actually, just him uttering the words “can’t stand you”) would make me put the breaks on the wedding ASAP. I wouldn’t step a foot on the aisle. It’s so much easier to break an engagement than a marriage.

I think you two seriously need pre-marital counseling. If it’s not an option, you two need some serious discussion. Things that need to be considered. You are marrying him – and his family will be apart of your lives. If either of these are causing issues, they won’t stop when you’re married. They’ll intensify. And the results won’t be pretty.

Post # 23
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

re: amnystik‘s advice is sound… I’ve read so many from her on these boards and she is always right on the money.  Well-said.

I have a family where sometimes I do take discussion of some relationship issues to my Mother. (She doesn’t always side with me btw.)  There IS a risk of getting a non-objective opiion or putting her in the middle, or just confiding things that are none of her business… BUT for some things, her advice is invaluable.

It’s up to you whether you have that kind of relationship with your Mother (or another elder aunt or experienced female relative who was there that day.)  Pick someone who has shown objectivity.  Maybe you can talk to her/them about the behavior and ask her/them to give you an honest opinion from an outside non-emotional perspective.

The reason I suggest this is that maybe others can help interpret and explain possibilities for the “weirdness”.  Perhaps, it isn’t customary in your fiance’s family for the man to attend the shower (were there other men?)  In my family, the men only make a brief appearance (if at all) to thank the guests for coming, then he leaves LOL!  Maybe if you call your Future Mother-In-Law and thank her personally for being there, and ask if everything is ok… maybe she will open up to you about anything that made her feel uncomfortable…. 

Sorry for this in your life.  Other than that, amnystik really said it better than I ever could.

Post # 24
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@yassim: This was the best thing you said, imo:

“I figure, I’LL go to counseling… see if he wants to go… but I’ll be going in the meantime to gain confidence and “survival” tactics in case this does not work out.”

When things were falling apart with an ex-FI a few years ago, I did exactly that. It was a safe space for me to explore what was going on for me and to process through my feelings. I hope you will find a good therapist and get started soon. * HUGS *

Post # 26
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

A couple of things:  there is no “normal” in terms of who comes to a shower and how long they stay.  A fiance doesn’t necessarily come to a shower at all.  And with my first engagement (ended up in a failed marriage), my ex-MIL boycotted the shower (said she didn’t believe in them but what she really didn’t believe in was losing her son to another woman) and dragged all the other women in the family with her – threatened to break her relationship with them if they came to my shower.  It was awful, I tell you, but we got through it; former husband didn’t come but I hadn’t expected him to under any circumstance.  He was torn throughout our brief marriage between us and his relationship with his family.  It was a big problem.  To tell the truth, my current husband is similar, so I’m beginning to think it’s a plague on the House of Men! Including from what I read on these boards.

So, forget about normal.  But your Fiance sounds like he is pretty directly telling you he is and is going to continue putting his family ahead of you two.  And he’s threatening you that “it’s off”, what ever that means.  you have a choice — call his bluff.  Say, okay, that’s it’s off for you as well if he can’t put you first or if he can’t (says he’s “not interested in counseling) muster an “interest” in premarital counseling.  tell him you’re going ahead to get counseling on your own to explore whether this is in fact a marriage you want or can handle.  His choice is a rich life with you, the two of you, or a lonely life with his family, missing you.  By choosing his life with you, he doesn’t have to forego his family – at least, not from the sound of how fair and nice you seem.  But at this point, I’d tell him that moving forward is conditioned on counseling and that you’ve taken very seriously his telling you “it’s off”.  Imagine him saying that every third night to you when you have kids to feed and school to get them ready for! An impossible existence.

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