(Closed) My fiance said he only proposed because I want a wedding

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Please don’t feel guilty, greedy, or old-fashioned for wanting to be married to your man. Declaring your love and intention to be together for life in front of your family and friends is a very big deal, and IMO, it’s incredibly important. So don’t fee llike you’re making some unreasonable request! 

I know that not everyone sees it this way, and that’s fine–so I wouldn’t worry about your guy and his lack of enthusiasm for the wedding. The fact that he’s willing to do it for you shows how much he loves you. 

Post # 5
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Oh hun, I am so sorry. You aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to get married. To you, that’s a way of committing yourself to the man you love, and that’s okay.

Sounds like you had a romantic proposal that your fiance put a lot of thought into. And he did that because he loves you and knows it’s important to you. That’s pretty great. His views on marriage don’t make him any less commited to or in love with you—so try not to fret!

Post # 6
Member
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I think that your fiance will be pleasantly surprised by the meaning of the ceremony, once he actually experiences it himself.  It sucks that he feels how he does but it sounds like you are both ok with differing opinions, so I don’t think you should worry about it!

But my hunch is that when he looks back on the wedding, he’ll be happy that he did it…

Post # 7
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t know that I would marry someone who only wanted to get married because I wanted a wedding. I see that as a red flag and a big problem down the road….I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, but I do think that not matching up on your goals is a really big deal. Have you tried discussing the other benefits of marriage with him? I feel like so many people get hung up on “marriage as a way to validate a relationship” (which it should not be, and is kind of pointless in and of itself), and forget about all the legal benefits bestowed (the really important stuff to me, and what separates marriage from just living together in a committed way for the rest of our lives).

Post # 8
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i think more men than would carry to admit it feel this way.  if he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then i wouldn’t worry. 

Post # 9
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to marry the man you love and marriage is not just about a ‘piece of paper and party’. I’d be completely disappointed as well in this situation.

While some of his points seems valid the whole point is that he needs to have faith that you are not trying to screw him over – and after 8 years it should seem obvious! I just dont understand where this whole ‘men not wanting to get married’ thing came from but I think it may have something to do with not wanting to be domesticated.

Post # 10
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I second what trailmix says! I had the same conversation with Darling Husband during the course of our engagement and got pretty much the same answer – that we were getting married because I wanted to be married, but he was happy with how things were and he loved me but he was doing it because it was important for me to have a wedding. Turns out that on the actual day when it hit him that we were actually getting married he realized just how important that step in our relationship was.

Don’t feel selfish, and don’t be upset that he thinks it’s just cause you want a wedding – he just doesn’t get it yet. And if he’s helping you with decisions that’s great – because he knows that it’s important to you.

Post # 12
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It sounds like he does want to be with you, he just doesn’t see how being married grants him any benefits above and beyond what you have as domestic partners.

This is totally a misconception on this part – you will not be recognized as legal partners across state lines, or with the federal government.  Sure, some jobs will let you you share health insurance that way, but not all. 

I’m pretty skeptical of the whole marriage thing myself… I am probably just a grouchy free spirit on this stuff, but I find it weird and annoying that we’re expected to pair off two by two in opposite-gender pairs.  BUT there are very real benefits, financial, legal, and societal, to being legally married.  THIS is why same sex couples are fighting for those rights… domestic partnership is pretty robust in California, but it’s not the same.

 

Post # 13
Bee
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna

I understand where your Fiance is coming from. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mr. M. to death but getting married was never really a priority for me.  We had the house and our dogs and I was perfectly content. I am SUPER practical and didn’t really see much difference other than a piece of paper and a couple rings.  Mr. M. though is VERY traditional and he wanted to get married. Your right I saw this as a big party centered around us and I was happy to do this for Mr. M.

Now that the wedding is just a couple months away *gulp* it is really hitting me. This is us declaring to the world that we are team. IT IS HUGE! I think as you get along in your planning your Fiance will come to the same realization I did of how much this means. I am now excited on so many levels for so many reasons I can’t name them all. 😉

Post # 14
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Youre Fiance sounds like he loves you a lot and still wants to commit to you forever. He seems to understand what a big deal FOREVER is.   I know it can be disapointing that he says its not a big deal but he still wants to marry you.  Guys just arnt that into weddings.  I thought my Fiance would be on board planning the wedding but he really really doesnt care.  Its just a guy thing. 

Post # 15
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My FH and I aren’t always on the same page about what marrige means, either. In fact, he told me that he doesn’t expect the ceremony/”piece of paper” to change anything about our relationship other than legal protections, next of kin, etc. But emotionally, he’s already 100% invested in me, and I in him – he wasn’t waiting for marriage to be fully committed, if that makes sense. He also didn’t like the “cheesier” aspects of some wedding ceremonies, but we managed to create a ceremony that we’re both happy with.

I can totally see why your feelings would be hurt with his comments, but I think in this case, his actions speak louder than words – he’s enthusiastic about the party, he’s helping you make decisions, etc. Also, he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life, which is kind of the definition of marriage.

Also, I really think some guys just don’t “get it” – for men, there’s really no social stigma attached to having a long-term girlfriend that they don’t marry. Women who are in long-term relationships that are not marriage are sometimes judged by married women, and that sucks. Also, for all the talk about men getting “screwed” by divorce, women are usually the ones that end up in poverty or with a lower standard of living because of divorce. So sometimes the legal protections of marriage *are* more important to women.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have a good man. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. And, like you say, he may be surprised by the emotion of your ceremony, who knows.

 

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